I Will Survive (I hope I hope I hope)
***UPDATE: 11:21 a.m., MST. I am eating Meal #2 of my last day on Earth. It’s delicious {I went with a wrap instead of a sub, but I’m doing my best to open my mouth as wide as humanly possible}.
I’ll miss straws when I’m dead.
And, just to clarify, Poor Kyle was out of town, but now he’s back. He did not leave me to fend for myself. He’s a good man. That is all.***
You might recall how terrified I am to get my wisdom teeth removed. Actually, it started out being that I was only afraid of the post-op, and the ensuing massive holes in my face (holes the perfect sized to lodge a pea—gross!). But I’ve now officially worked up a solid dread of the entire process. It’s going to be bad, from beginning to end. I’m sure of it…
First off, I have to starve myself 12 hours prior to the surgery. Starting at 7:30 p.m. tonight. Then, my surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. Friday morning…as in…Friday the 13th. Seven a.m. is bad enough on a normal day, but Friday the 13th? I’m going to die. Moreover, I am now afraid of anesthesia, because, get this: I’m worried I’ll lose control of my faculties and pee myself while I’m laying unconscious on the operating table. Is that even possible? If it is, it will happen to me. But of course I don’t want a catheter, because who in their right mind wants a catheter?
I’m pretty much in hysterics all the time these days.
In an attempt to get a hold of myself, I went out and bought lots of mushy food for my recovery—apple sauce, anyone? I’ve also decided that tomorrow, being my last day on earth, I am going to eat all the things I won’t be able to after the surgery (should I live through it, that is). For breakfast I’m having crunchy granola and an ice cold fruit smoothie (eaten by straw). For lunch I’m having Sun Chips™ and a 6″ tall sub sandwich (because they say I won’t be able to open my mouth more than a finger’s width after surgery), and an ice cold Diet Coke™ (via straw). Snacks will be anything crispy I can find, and for dinner (at 7:00 p.m. [gotta make it last]), I’ll have a burger and fries. Not because burgers and fries are contraband post-op; but if it’s my last meal on earth, I want it to be a burger and fries. Make it a large order of fries.
The only good thing I see out of all this is that, should I make it through alive, I’ll probably lose a good five pounds simply by subsisting solely on apple sauce and mashed potatoes for a week. And I’ll lose at least 1/16 pound in actual tooth tissue, according to this lady. It’s not much, but I’ll take it.
Oh well. I keep telling myself that I will survive. I say it all the time. In fact, I’ve said it so often, I decided to make a movie of it for you. But then I remembered Poor Kyle has my only means of motion-picture filming, and he’s out of town, so I couldn’t do a movie. Bummer. Don’t worry, though: I did a slideshow instead. Here’s what you do:
Step 1: Push play on the embedded YouTube™ video. Wait until the band, Cake, introduces the song. Proceed to Step 2.
Step 2: Scroll down and read the lyrics along with Cake’s song.
Step 3: Feel sorry for me. (That’s all I really want in life, you know.)
Enjoy!
How To Survive a Wisdom Tooth (or Four) Removal
By: Me {and Cake}
First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live…
Without you by my side
But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong—I learned how to carry on!
And so you’re back from outer space;
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door; just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore…
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I’d crumble?
You think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I! I will survive!
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive!
CAST
Me…………………………………………..Me
Wisdom Tooth…Himself (image from here)
Posted: March 11th, 2009 under oh brother what next, spin cycle, what a nightmare, woe is me.
Tags: weight loss, Wisdom teeth
Comments
Comment from Cristin
Time March 11, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Good luck. I had dry sockets. It was awful. Even worse is that they made me sign a disclaimer before I had mine removed that said I could “possibly die” while I was put under.
Comment from jethro
Time March 11, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I give you my magical blessings. By the strength of youth, you will indeed survive.
Pretty plush, 12 hours of fasting, i did 24 for the anaesthesia, old school. This would be a lovely timeline story regarding your recovery, and all the treats one can get in such abject misery.
Hey, i had a BigMac within hours of the procedure, was too hungry to taste the blood from the sutures. Simplest surgery i’ve ever attended. Though the impending Lobotomy could be a bit of an adjustment.
Comment from EverybodyNose
Time March 11, 2009 at 9:13 pm
OHMYGOSH!!!!
YOU ARE MY FREAKING HERO!
I LOVE THAT SONG
AND I ADORE YOUR PICS!!!!
GOOD LUCK GIRL!
LOTS OF LOVE
(and look on the bright side, a friend of mine is getting his wisdom teeth removed over spring break)
Comment from Anonymous
Time March 11, 2009 at 9:32 pm
It is not that bad. I swear. You are working yourself up way more than necessary. Good grief, Mill. It’s going to be fine! You are not going to get dry sockets. You are not going to pee yourself. And you most certainly are NOT going to die. Relax. You’re totally stressing yourself out about this, and it’s going to be a big no big deal. I was eating Outback loaded cheese fries three days after I got mine out. You’re going to be just fine!
Comment from linda rae
Time March 11, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Do.NOT.suck.through.a.straw.after.surgery.
Trust me. And I am SO sorry that I am not there to share poutine with you for your last meal.
dangitanyway… I miss you.
Comment from Camille
Time March 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Sprite’s Keeper– I’m sorry! I thought I was okay, since I read through the posted posts (posted posts?) and nobody had used it yet. Whoops.
Cristin– When I had my consultation, I asked about the possibility that I might die, and the lady was like, yeah, but it’s never happened…at this location. Comforting.
jethro– Thanks! That was, I think, my favourite comment of yours, ever! For some reason, the mention of a Lobotomy just really resonates with me. Thanks for the laugh! : )
EverybodyNose– WHAT???? I’m YOUR hero??? You’re MY hero!!!!!! What are the odds? : ) Thanks. It wouldn’t be shirt boy, by any chance, would it?
Anonymous my sister– For once in our lives, I am freaking out more than you. What about the BLOODY RAGS that will be in my mouth, that I’ll have to look at every time they need changing? What about the BLOOD, sister? The BLOOD! There, NOW are you freaking out?
lindarae– I’m sorry, too. I bet you’d feel so sorry for me that you’d even pay. That will teach you to buy a winter home and abandon your DIL for all your fellow snowbirds. In fact, I miss you, too! I was wondering what would happen if Kyle didn’t make it back in time to take me to the surgery, and I honestly don’t have anyone else in this country who loves me enough to wake up at 6:30, drive me to the city, wait for an hour, drive me back home, and watch that I don’t die for the rest of the day. So thanks a lot. You’re my only backup, and you’re gone. : )
Comment from Nothing Fancy
Time March 12, 2009 at 5:00 am
OMG! Your post is perfect timing for me. I’m having my wisdom teeth removed on Tuesday. Wish we lived closer so we could wallow in each others misery!
Everything will be fine…I just know it. Enjoy the applesauce and save some for me!
Comment from Me
Time March 12, 2009 at 5:41 am
It really isn’t as bad as you may think. Once they put you to sleep, you won’t remember anything- you’ll wake up the next minute and be done! Poor Kyle better be back by tomorrow- they won’t let you drive yourself home. Like the others said- DO NOT DRINK FROM A STRAW AFTER SURGERY (until you heal, that is). I enjoyed the song. About the peeing, to put you at ease, just wear a pair of Depends!
Comment from Katie
Time March 12, 2009 at 6:20 am
I think I just peed my pants. And I can’t blame the anesthesia.
God speed, my friend.
Comment from HeatherPride
Time March 12, 2009 at 7:13 am
Camille, are you having a nervous breakdown? Do you need me to come up there and slap you? Just let me know. I’d at least share a burger with ya.
Comment from Camille
Time March 12, 2009 at 7:40 am
Nothing Fancy– I’ll still wallow with you, even if you don’t live close to me. BUT…you have to survive first.
Me– Why didn’t I think of depends?? Thanks!
Katie– I’m sorry; I hate when that happens. Thanks.
HeatherPride– A slap in the face probably couldn’t help, but if we’re gonna have burgers, I want my own—I don’t share. Oh, you just meant “share an afternoon together whilst eating burgers?” Oops. Sorry. I tend to get territorial when I think it’s my last day on earth…
Comment from Geneva
Time March 12, 2009 at 7:43 am
So hilarious! I love Cake so it made it even better. And just keep thinking best case scenario. I was back to eating real food in two days. And Poor Kyle is out of town? Who is going to take care of you?
Comment from Anonymous
Time March 12, 2009 at 8:09 am
The blood really isn’t that bad, Mill. Truly. And you know that’s saying a lot coming from me…
Comment from Holly Decker
Time March 12, 2009 at 8:24 am
so flippin funny. i needed that.
perhaps i shall copy you when it comes time for birth, eh?
anyways, thanks for the laugh. you will survive!
Comment from jacque
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:05 am
eek! i’m scared to get my wisdom teeth out too. maybe after seeing how you survive it i will be brave enough to do it as well…
Comment from Kimberly
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:09 am
Hilarious post! I loved the music video/slideshow. I think the fear leading up to the whole ordeal is worse than anything else. The blood is nasty, but the pain wasn’t too bad. However, I only did one tooth and not all four. Sleep lots and have a good book picked out or a great couple of movies :-)
Comment from raygon
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:16 am
Best of luck to you! I will be thinking of you. Atleast you will get to catch up on a lot of sleep huh?
Comment from Whitney
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:40 am
Okay first, you crack me up. Second, they lied to you about not being able to open your mouth more than a finger for a week. Not true, its just not true. You will probably eat applesauce and mashed potatoes for maybe 2 days and then you will be feeling great because you will be on the “good” stuff. Other foods to keep in mind: scrambled eggs, sliced peaches, oatmeal, protein shakes( via spoon). All of these foods are soft and are easy to eat. Promise. Good luck tomorrow. Get the anesthesia. You will not pee yourself. If I didnt you wont either.
Comment from Whitney
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:41 am
P.s- PK left you to do this all by yourself!? WTF!
Comment from Lindsay
Time March 12, 2009 at 9:42 am
i think your last day of food choices sound wonderful!!!! possibly even worth the dread of wisdom teeth removal. You will be okay camille, i will pray for you.
And when i got mine out, i was so scared that i’d get food stuck in the gaping holes, and i never did. I think they just tell you every single little possibility to kinda freak you out so you follow all their rules to a tee – like with braces….”no gum, no sticky foods” yeah right.
Comment from DeAnna
Time March 12, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Having been put under twice myself, make sure you ask to pee right before you go to the OR. I’ve never heard of anyone peeing themselves while “under”, if that helps at all. Good luck!!
Comment from Camille
Time March 12, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Geneva– Best case scenario, my wisdom teeth magically disappear as I sleep tonight.
Anonymous my sister– Okay, I’ll try. Thanks.
Holly Decker– You’re welcome to copy me any time you want. I’d be flattered.
jacque– Yeah, it might be inspiring, unless I DIE.
Kimberly– Good advice. I’ll try to stop freaking out (but don’t hold your breath).
raygon– Oh, and you better believe I will SLEEP sleep sleep.
Whitney– Thanks for the advice. I know I’m a baby, but…I can’t help it. And no, PK did not abandon me. He’s back.
lindsay– Trust me, though: I intend to follow ALL the rules. I’m glad you never got food stuck in there.
DeAnna– They’ll probably laugh at me, but I don’t care. I’ll do it. Thanks for the advice.
Comment from Rachel
Time March 12, 2009 at 7:24 pm
That was hilarious. Of course that song is now stuck in my head, but at least its the version I like. Oh, and they put me out when I got mine removed and I didn’t pee on myself, and you won’t either. I had also worked myself up into a frenzy of impending doom (although I was not, sadly, inspired into such heights of creativity), and when I was done I was like “was that it?” Good luck!
Comment from Niki
Time March 12, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I haven’t blogged in days, and man… I’ve missed out on a lot!
Good luck to you and you’re wisdom teeth. I think you’ll be alright, only because of those pictures put to song. That oughtta bring you some luck! Boy, was that a treat!
My question for you is, who is your all time favorite blogger and why??
Looking forward to hearing back from you after you survive.
I wish I could bring you something soft and delicious.
Comment from Joanie
Time March 13, 2009 at 6:53 am
Great spin!
Keep ice on your face for the first day and maybe, just maybe you won’t get chipmonk cheeks! Good luck! You’ll be fine!
Comment from Laufa
Time March 13, 2009 at 10:44 am
Good luck with everything. Pudding, ice cream (sherbert), baked fruit – apples, peaches, berries, etc. Feel better soon and can’t wait to hear that you survived!
Comment from Shangrila
Time March 13, 2009 at 11:54 am
LOL-”your slideshow ” is great! I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed years ago and I didn’t pee or die or anything. Hang in there, and I’ll send healing thoughts your way!
Comment from anna
Time March 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Apparently you are extra funny when you’re nervous. :)
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Comment from EverybodyNose
Time March 13, 2009 at 11:39 pm
No it’s not Shirt Boy.
It’s The Boy.
Lots of stories about him…..
Comment from colepack
Time March 17, 2009 at 7:49 am
bwaaaahhaaahaaa!
That is ariot. love the song. I HATE THE DENTIST!
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Comment from Sprite’s Keeper
Time March 11, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Bwahahaha! Love the rendition! You completely stole my Spin! Well, actually, no you didn’t since you posted yours first. Brilliant! You’re linked!