None of this would have happened if I had just said “No.”
The negative repercussions of going out of town for 12 hours times eight:
1. Massive piles of dirty laundry to tackle when I get home.
2. Unloading the vehicle in the kitchen and pretty much heading straight for bed—leaving the mess for tomorrow morning (which is now today {go figure}).
3. Worrying briefly about my abandoned garden, until I remember I never planted a garden this year.
4. Mourning the tomatoes I won’t be growing and won’t be canning for the upcoming winter. I hoard food, you know—at least, I would if I had grown any to hoard.
5. Realising that I need to phone in a refill for my prescription contraceptive medication, like, NOW.
6. Getting accosted by the lady on the phone at the doctor’s office:
Lady: When was the last time you had a PAP?
*Gulp.*
Me: Ummm… What?
Lady: A PAP? A PAP smear?
Me: Ummm…2007.
Lady: 2007?!?! Well, Dr. So-and-so wants all his female patients within childbearing range to have a yearly PAP…
Me: I’ll bet he does, lady. Great. This is just great. Ummm, okay. I guess I need one, then.
Lady: You can come see him or you can go to a female, if you’d prefer.
Lady: I choose female. I stick with my own kind, thankyouverymuch. [Also, Poor Kyle's family doctor happens to be a lifelong family friend, who I see at church socials and town parades and everything else imaginable {curse Mayberry and other small towns throughout the world!} which is just awkward for me, knowing he's looked up my girly bits.]
Lady: All right. How’s tomorrow?
Me: Tomorrow? Heavens to Betsy, I need more time! Time to prepare! I need at least a week to blog about this! I need to work up a solid, frenzied panic! Okay, that will be fine.
Lady: We’ll see you at ten o’ clock, then.
Me: Okay. But, ummm…
Lady: Yes?
Me: …Can I still have my birth control?
Oh, dear… The things I do for my lifeblood pills. Next thing you know, I’ll be an honest-to-goodness crack whore. A Yasmin™ whore.
So you see, my friends, bad things happen when I go out of town unexpectedly. Tomorrow morning I’ll be getting a metal CONTRAPTION shoved up my crotch, and while she’s at it, she’ll go ahead and scrape out the inside bits. The last time this happened, I cried. Real, true, giant, wet tears. Streaming down my face. My makeup was ruined. My entire body was shaking—literally, quivering. All over. Every joint.
Lovely.
And how was your week?
Posted: June 25th, 2009 under Married Life, fiascos, health and vitality, oh brother what next, what a nightmare, woe is me.
Tags: ob/gyn, pap smear anxiety
Comments
Comment from Anonymous
Time June 25, 2009 at 12:53 pm
While she’s in there you could get something more permanent than pills… Just an idea.
Comment from Joel
Time June 25, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I sure am glad that my man parts don’t require the effort that your girly bits do. PAPs have always sounded like such an uncomfortable ordeal. That thing looks like a duck bill. That’s what they use to see, huh? Looks comfy!
Comment from Molly Rawlins
Time June 25, 2009 at 1:46 pm
hahaha. I have never been very bothered by these exams. And you know how you hear about pregnant ladies being FREAKED out by their “EXAMS” when they are only a few weeks away from delivery? Those never bugged me either… lol…. but i think i is more of a mentally scary thing…
I also always have man gyno’s. For me, having another woman look at my parts actually disturbs me more… At least a man doesn’t have one of his own to “compare” it to… lol.
I guess this comment just shows how different we are… im a weirdo. (which is why my avatar has three eyes and 3 curly hairs coming out of its head).
I tried to figure out how to change it, and still cant figure it out… *sighs* i guess I will just embrace its strangeness…
Comment from jacque
Time June 25, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Eek! I have to schedule that appointment too and I’ve been putting it off for.. well a long time. I share your pain in going out of town and coming home to a mess. I haven’t done laundry for almost 2 weeks and I’m surprised I even have clothes to wear!
Comment from Whitney
Time June 25, 2009 at 2:37 pm
OH its not that bad! After doing the nasty you cant even feel it anymore. Wait till you squeeze a human out your lady bits and then it wont be a big deal at all… by then everyone has seen your lady bits.
Comment from Rachel
Time June 25, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Please accept my most heartfelt sympathies on the trauma of the annual Pap. I’d say bring some tequila for before and after, but you follow the WoW just like me so I would suggest chocolate.
Comment from niki
Time June 25, 2009 at 2:55 pm
man…those are two of some of the worst things ever…
coming home from vaycay is never fun.
and pap smears are true torture!
it was funny to read about the day before your very first one…i totally remember how freakin scared i was for mine.
they never get better i tell ya…i got a pap smear just before i switched ob’s and my new dr. was like, “well, i guess i don’t need to do another pap but i am going to have to check down there, just so i know what i’m working with.” i was pretty pissed. twice in like two weeks…oh, and let’s not forget the vaginal ultra sound i had that same week…pregnancy only makes those kinds of things more frequent…but never less awkward!
Comment from Cristin
Time June 25, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I heard a rumor that if you go Planned Parenthood, they will give you those pills without a necessary Pap. But maybe it’s just a rumor.
Comment from Jethro
Time June 25, 2009 at 3:09 pm
EEEWW! And, OW!
(Hey Joel, wait until you hit 40, if you have a yearly physical, you’ll have a yearly prostate check.)
Comment from Dutch girl
Time June 25, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I had my first pap smear last month – and I’m 32, can you imagine? (and I’m on the pill since ages.. I initially took it as a medicine for the excruciating pain every month) I was a bit nervous, but it only took a couple of minutes and the nurse was very nice. The key word is: relax! :-)
Comment from malia
Time June 25, 2009 at 5:43 pm
OH dear, those lifeblood pills! haha
My first pap was awful, i bled and cried. Wow, TMI much? My second was much much better…but still awkward. Niki’s comment up there made me cringe regarding pregnancy though.
Tell me about the vacation thing. Just got back from Mexico, leaving for Lake Powell in an hour, coming home for four days and then leaving to Vegas. And did I mention I’m packing our entire house to move to Boston in three? gross.
Comment from Lindsay
Time June 25, 2009 at 8:17 pm
i’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at 10. this is probably the first time ever that i’m actually glad to be me and not you….
Comment from Christal
Time June 25, 2009 at 10:15 pm
yuck thats all I have to say oh and i’m sorry that sucks!!! for real!
Comment from DeAnna
Time June 25, 2009 at 10:56 pm
If you have a high tech Dr. they have plastic instead of metal that they get to shove up yonder. I had one of those high-tech Dr. once upon a time. Too bad I still don’t. I am procrastinating getting my yearly one done, only two and a half years later..lol Good luck!
Comment from raygon
Time June 26, 2009 at 11:02 am
good luck! mind over matter, Camille. You can do this….
Comment from mameelynn
Time June 26, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Never much fun! I know how it is in Mayberry and having to see your Dr sitting on the stand at church…. Never any fun!! The exams have never bugged or hurt me (even during labor) but knowing how scary the idea of having a baby is to you I’m sure this is just a step towards hell…. I’ll never forget the terrified look that crossed my poor husbands face at our first pre-natal appointment when they pulled out the duckbill….He was like you are putting that where?! I laughed so hard I was crying!! Good luck!
Comment from RatalieNose
Time June 26, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I’m kinda glad I don’t understand any of this….
Comment from Hannah
Time June 27, 2009 at 12:21 pm
O boy… I really dislike going to the gyno… Just wait till you’re pregnant. I’ve never been on bc and hence why I’ve been pregnant or nursing our whole marriage. Good times. After you have a baby they have you schedule a pap for 6 months I canceled both of them, I mean geez they saw down there for 9 months do you think anything is going to change in 6 months.. I need a break.
Comment from Boy30
Time October 22, 2009 at 7:18 am
Peter Hedges wrote the screenplay adapted from his 1991 novel of the same name. ,
Comment from Shirley
Time November 18, 2009 at 10:15 am
I’m on my last month of my prescription…the darn doctor only gave me a year so I’d HAVE to come in again. I’m terrified. I cried last year. And the nurse held my hand.
Comment from Lindsey Layton
Time June 25, 2009 at 12:49 pm
First!
I’m so so sorry you have to go to the gyno… That’s NEVER fun. But at least you’ll get it over with and have a WHOLE year pap free.