A Fate Worse Than Death

We’re out of milk today. See?

It’s a miracle!

Well, we weren’t out of milk this morning, but by the time I made a batch of miserably under-cooked pancakes [yes, I fail at pancakes every time, even though I use a mix from a box from a store], we certainly were. Out of milk, that is. This is the first time in our marriage that we have used up an entire gallon of milk just by drinking it, before it went sour.

“What else do you do with your milk, Camille…besides drinking it?”

Good question. We like to fill up water balloons with it and have neighborhood reconnaissance parties with our homemade grenades.

No, not really. What I mean is, usually I use more than half the gallon of milk just in baking projects during the week. Only lately, I haven’t been baking much (on account of we’re fat up here at our house) and so I didn’t think we’d be able to get through an entire gallon, sans goody-baking. [“Sans” means “without” in French. It’s pronounced “sahn”–it’s a very chic word to use, I’ve noticed. “Chic” means “trendy” in French…]

Anyway, we drank a gallon of milk all by our grown-up married selves, and now Poor Kyle has to eat his Cinnamon Toast Crunch–the only cereal my husband will ever endorse as worth his energy to eat–sans milk.

“Why is he eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch if you guys are fat at your house?”

That is also a good question. About two weeks ago, we decided we’d go on a couples diet. Isn’t that quaint? Couples, dieting together, like we love and support each other or something.Well, it would be quaint if we were actually dedicated about it. The following things are contraband on account of our diet:

-sugar (not the natural kind from fruit, just the kind in candy. And cupcakes. And fruit snacks.)
-fried anything
-carbonated beverages.

Unfortunately, between the two of us, we’ve blown every aspect of our couples diet, and I think we may have actually gained weight since committing ourselves to “the cause.” Poor Kyle refuses to work out (and by work out I mean walk–walk–farther than the house to the truck) with me, and I’ve decided a life without Diet Dr. Pepper is not a life worth living.

I’m pretty die-hard, where DDP is concerned.

On top of that, Poor Kyle swears he never committed to stop eating sugar–just soda and fries. I don’t want to call my husband a liar or anything…but…I think he’s lying.

At any rate, our diets are blown all to heck; we pretty much failed before we started. And since we’re miraculously out of milk this Sabbath morn, Poor Kyle is now forced to eat dinner–yes, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, beacuse I don’t cook on Sundays anymore, since I like to rest too–bone dry. Parched. Arid. Moistureless. Dehydrated.

A guy I used to date once told me that he felt sorry for the poor fool who got suckered into marrying me.

I wonder if this is what he meant?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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11 Responses to A Fate Worse Than Death

  1. Anonymous says:

    i am cracking up! nice to have you back, camille. have you guys ever tried eating cereal with water? it’s not too bad…

  2. Anonymous says:

    That was hilarious. Glad to have my “Archives of Our Lives fix back. Love the descriptive pictures of Kyle looking so pathetic eating his dry cereal. It really added that special something.

  3. Cristin says:

    Yeah, this has happened to us on numerous occasions and I have to ration it out. Pretty pathetic.

  4. Kristy says:

    My husband and I are on a “couples” diet as well. Well its more of a competition as he would not do it unless there was a good incentive in the end. The spouse who looses the most gets a prize. He gets a large flatscreen tv. The end is american thanksgiving. we’ll see if it works.
    In our house we buy two gallons of milk and need to replace it after 3 or 4 days. That is just by drinking it as I don’t bake. I just can’t bring myself to bake as there’s just 2 1/2 of us to eat it. I have to admit i’m a milkaholic. At least I can say I only like skim milk.

  5. Anonymous says:

    What a funny funny story. You’re such an entertainer, Camille. You should get paid for your blog. (You could buy more milk.)
    Those pictures are hilarious. Kyle seems to be enjoying himself, lucky devil.

  6. lindser-lou says:

    oh the honorary shelf of DDP…those were good NY times indeed!

  7. Raygon says:

    you are funny…love the music to go along with the post too. When is your next trailer-fetching trip thru Idaho? I am dying to see you and your cinnamon- toast- crunch eating- husband.

  8. RatalieNose says:

    Oh, Camille. I feel your pain. If I were in Canada I would walk with you. Also, that guy you dated was a J-E-R-K!!! PK should call himself LK LUCKY KYLE!!!!!!

  9. Anonymous says:

    i’m kookoo for cocoapuffs.
    camille, you’re making me go out and buy ELO. haven’t had it since the last car break in. thanks for the reminder.

  10. Kim & Jason says:

    I was wondering why I was randomly craving Cinnamon Toast Crunch – Noowww I remember! I totally went out and bought milk and cinnamon toast crunch for lunch today, see the sublimal messages your sending out? And the DDP on the cabinets, so hilarious. Love it. You should get like a year supply for the free advertising.

  11. Joel says:

    Hmmm… Aimee and I buy six gallons of milk at a time. For us. Our kid drinks whole, so we have to buy him a gallon of his own, as we drink skim. Oh, and we always use all of the milk before it expires. And no baking. Drinking and cereal. And it blows chunks that milk prices are going up and up and up. Killing us.

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