A has-been who never was.

Due to an unexpected death in my family {Great Uncle Henry was white water rafting at the beginning of July; two weeks later: dead}, I am visiting Mesa, Arizona, where I was born and raised.  It’s good to be back where everybody knows my name (Norm!).  Comfortable.  Familiar.  I love this desert place, more than my teenage self ever imagined possible.  {Back then, I wanted nothing more than to move far away and never come back to this land of heat and sagebrush.  Silly me.}

But being home is not all lollipops and daisies.  The bad thing about coming home after moving away is that I usually run in to people I haven’t seen in a while {whether by chance or by design}, and it’s very nerve-wracking to me.  One of my lifelong fears is that I’ll see an old acquaintance and he or she will immediately think, “Wow, she’s really let herself go.”

It is for this very reason that I have developed an unhealthy phobia of going out in public.  I mean, what am I?  I’m a 22 year-old college NONgraduate with no job, driving my mom’s old Ford Windstar (which is only because I flew down from Canada and am not old enough to rent a car, but old acquaintances don’t necessarily know that—for all they know, the minivan I drove on our group dates to the mountains our Senior year of high school is the very same vehicle I drive today).  And okay, image isn’t everything; it’s just that the Windstar is the cherry on top of the bran muffin that is my unfulfilled life.

“But Camille—you’re married! How can you say your life is unfulfilled?  Of course your life has meaning!”

I’ve never understood that logic.  Maybe for some girls being married is an identity, but not me—never me.  I never wanted to be the kind of woman whose entire sense of worth was wrapped up in a man’s presence (or lack thereof).  So yes, I love Poor Kyle and the life we have together, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I have DONE something with myself…you know?  I got married, and I’m happy I did, but it doesn’t change who I am.  Being married is not an accomplishment to me {in the sense that writing a best-selling novel would be}, because it was never my major goal in life.  (I hope Poor Kyle understands what I’m saying and doesn’t feel bad…I love you, dear.)

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion…that I am washed up.  Worn out.  Old news.  Past my prime.  Expired.  If I was a gallon of skim milk (who am I kidding?  I’m whole milk if anything), I’d be right sour.

I’m a dadgum has-been.

I haven’t graduated from college.  I’m unemployed.  I’m the image of failed domesticity, and to top it off, I have really flabby arms.

Flabby Upper ArmsTragic.

That’s the root of my problem, I think—my flabby upper arms.  It’s nothing new, of course; they’ve always been flabby, but it’s not really an issue in Canada.  I simply wear a lot of sweaters {a solution which is both functional and appropriate}.  But now, in Arizona in July, sweaters are neither functional nor appropriate.  On the contrary: a sweater in Arizona in July is like a BMW in an Amish town—totally worthless.

So while living in Canada, I can hide from the problem, or ignore it altogether; but here, I’m wearing short-sleeved T-shirts and feeling ridiculously insecure about my granny arms, all the while bumping into people at the grocery store who knew me in the glory days.  It’s pretty much awful.

But you know what I’ve decided?  Enough is enough.  It has to stop.  Over the past seven months, I have proven to myself that, in fact, I do have stamina.  I can work hard.  I can get As in all my classes.  I can lose 20 pounds.  I can go months without washing my hair I can, I can, I can.

I can either leave my arms alone and get over my insecurities (knowing that even if my arms were toned like Jillian’s, I’d just find something else to fret about), or I can buff up my arms and get over it.  Either way, I have to get over it.

I might as well try to build some muscle mass along the way.

After all, the miserable month of August is fast approaching, and it’s only getting hotter from here.  I’ve decided to fight the frump starting on August 1st.  I mean, August is such a worthless month, I might as well take on a quest and try to make the best of it.  So, in exactly four days, I’m going to begin a strict push-up routine.  I’ll stick to it diligently, providing (of course) regular photographic updates, and hopefully make some progress by the end of the month.

Who knows?  Maybe someday I’ll be able to bench press more than the super ultra-light bar at the gym that I haven’t visited in years.

Bring it, August.  I’ll punch your face.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in change, health and vitality, mondays suck, Overall Good Things, self-actualisation, woe is me. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to A has-been who never was.

  1. Rachel says:

    I think it’s weird too when people assume you have it ‘sorted’ just because you’re married. I just laugh when they say that because I often feel completely the opposite. Josh and I are bumbling through life just as much as the next person.

    Having talked a bit about this subject with my friends I think loads of people secretly feel that they aren’t good enough and that they aren’t achieving what they should be in life. Like you, I have come to the conclusion that there is no point worrying about it. We need to accept that we are who we are, we are where we are, and get on with life!

    And anyway – you have a great blog which loads of people appreciate…that’s a great achievement!

  2. Carmen says:

    Can I join you? I too have flabby arms and want to tone them up. We can do it together, in the comfort of our own homes, but maybe if I have you to be accountable to I might stick with it.

  3. Carmen says:

    You are definitely not a has been. You have accomplished much more that you are giving yourself credit. I too feel that way though especially after moving back to Raymond, oh what will all these people think when they see me. Well, I have gotten over it, (honestly – well mostly) and always try not to compare. We do it too much and it doesn’t do us any good. So its an ever constant battle that I am trying to overcome and I think I have made a lot of progress since high school anyhow. Anyways, back to you, Camille you are an amazing person who has accomplished much in this life. Never forget it.

  4. Jenn says:

    Check out this site: http://hundredpushups.com/
    Some of my co-workers and my husband did this. It’s fun to challenge yourself – good luck!

  5. malia says:

    I agree about the marriage identity thing. I think that has a lot to do with an individuals motivation to get married…because it’s the next step or because it’s where their life has led them. I think it makes a big difference, really. You see so many people who get married, have kids, hoping that it will make them happy or give them some sort of purpose. While I don’t doubt that those things bring added purpose to your life, there is something to be said for finding that purpose within yourself first.

    As for your arms, even when they are toned they do the relief society trick. I’ve just learned to embrace it (sort of)

  6. jacque says:

    I totally feel you! I am going home (to AZ) in September and am scared to death of what people are going to think of me. I have many of the same insecurities!!! Granted I had two babies almost a year ago, I’m not like Kelly Rippa who has a baby then has an amazing body 6 weeks later. Plus, I too am not a college graduate and wonder if people look down their nose at me… But, if you can do it… maybe I can too?

  7. lindsay says:

    um, hello…FIGHT THE FRUMP!!?!?!?!
    BEST. TITLE. EVER. you should market that.
    and i think i’m going to do it with you. I was thinking the other day that it would be grand if i actually USED some of the trash ties I own, but i never do my hair anymore. I dont really put a lot of effort into making my outfits cute or matchy…i go for clean, that’s it. And sometimes i even fail at that.
    so definitely, August will be fight the frump month. hahaha, i’m excited for your updates already!

  8. Geneva says:

    Yay! I love your attitude! I really do think there are two options to flab arms (and most things in life) get over or do something about it. Way to do something about it Camille!

  9. Lori says:

    I can say that my life didn’t really start falling into place until I was 25, so give yourself some time and don’t be so hard on yourself.

    And you are FAR from flabby!

  10. Fearful Fatty says:

    Get over it.

  11. Has been? At 22?
    You are so funny.
    Get out of the heat. Now!

  12. afton says:

    i love fearful fatty’s comment. i laughed out loud. because in my mind she’s being a smart aleck but dead serious all at once. (which really makes the for the best comments). and coming from someone who is graduated (and getting ready to go back for the second round, someone should just shoot me now) and not married i’m pretty should i feel the same way. apparently the grass is never greener on the other side?

    good luck on the push-ups. man i hate those.

  13. lauren says:

    I’m with Afton, I laughed out loud at Fearful Fatty’s comment too.

    Sometimes I hate that I haven’t graduated yet when I have only had a semester to go, for a year now. But then I remember that I am working full time to support my husband so that he can go to school and support us. It’s all about giving, in our relationship. When I put it in that perspective, I am happy about working :)

  14. RatalieNose says:

    Loved this!
    Can I just say that this blog within itself is an accomplishment? You’ve made someone of yourself on the internet, if not in the real world.

  15. RatalieNose says:

    That sounded really rude but you know what I mean.

  16. I bet my arms are flabbier than yours.

    (Clint always mocks the way girls compare themselves, so I thought it would be funny to say that. Except it doesn’t really sound funny now; oh well.)

  17. Pingback: Archives of Our Lives » If It’s REALLY What’s On the Inside that Counts, I Guess I’m Doomed.

  18. Jamie says:

    I would love to run in to you one of these days:)

  19. Thanks for an idea, you sparked at idea from a concept I hadn’t thought of yet. Now lets see if I can do something productive with it.

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