At what point in life can I rationalise a maid?

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Something Poor Kyle and I have been discussing a lot lately is when can we hire a maid.

Seriously, though. WHEN CAN WE HIRE A MAID?

I guess the all-caps make it look like our situation is dire here, like we’re suffocating under giant piles of filth and excrement or something.

Don’t worry; we’re not.

But it’s just that our house is never really clean. Never spotless. Never floorboards dusted or windows washed or blinds wiped down. It’s generally livable and tidy-ish and sort of presentable but it hasn’t been cleaned–really, deeply cleaned–in so many months that I’m too embarrassed to speak the number.

No I’m not: 10. 10 months.

I stay on top of washing the dishes and wiping down the counter every day (so Christal when I bring you your dinner you can rest assured my kitchen was clean when I made it), but I really don’t remember the last time I mopped the floors.

I stay on top of the laundry but only every 2 weeks. (Thankfully I have enough underwear to last me that long, barely.)

I stay on top of emptying the garbage but it’s one of my bigger challenges in life.

So truthfully, before you start thinking I’m some kind of hoarder-level slob, just know that it’s not that bad.

But it’s not that good, either, is what I’m saying.

You can eat dinner with us but you can’t put away the leftovers in our haphazard fridge.

You can use our bathroom but you can’t see yourself in the mirror.

You can come over and visit me in my fairly straightened up living room but if you are allergic to dust you will die.

The other day Poor Kyle said to me: “Imagine if our house was perfectly spotless all the time,” and after squelching my immediate defensiveness long enough to imagine it like he asked, there was no going back. I was completely mad for the idea: a maid!

I had never before entertained the literal notion of having a maid (though I pretty much daily dream about it in the maid/butler/personal hairstylist sense [and who doesn’t, am I right?]). But actually paying for someone to spend an hour or two every other week dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing my toilets? I honestly never even considered it a possibility.

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I guess the reason I never thought about this is because…well, why? Why do I deserve a maid? I’m not wealthy. I’m not important or famous or the president of any nation, developing or otherwise. I don’t get special treatment anywhere–I barely convinced Fry’s to give me a VIP card. I don’t have a ______ person on speed dial (think “hair person,” “pool guy,” “nail lady,” “hit man,” etc.). (Although I do have a snow man which if you could please not judge me for, thanks.) There’s really no reason for me NOT to do my own housework, except for the fact that now I work full time plus part time and I really don’t want to do chores in the few spare hours I do have.

Which up until now has worked for me. Not doing chores I mean. I am one of those people who gets along just fine in a constant state of semi-clean.

But then Poor Kyle mentioned how nice it would be to come home to a clean–REALLY clean–house every day after work and I chose not to feel personally attacked by that statement and instead took it for what he meant: that both of us work really hard and neither of us feel like working even harder on housework.

And why shouldn’t I have a maid? I mean, aside from the mounds of socioeconomic guilt that would surely haunt me for it? But guilt is so easily ignored it hardly seems a real argument against anything anymore.

After awhile I did what I always do with quandaries of adulthood and called my mom for advice: Mom, at what point in my life can I rationalise hiring a maid?

Her answer: When you both work full time and you earn more money than you will pay the maid.

Check and check. (Though Poor Kyle and I have added being debt-less to that list because we are getting SO close and we can’t rationalise paying for housecleaning when we still have car payments.)

That was all it took for me to become a full-fledged convert of the idea.

The more I thought about my maid the more I grew to love her.

“What do you think she’ll look like, our maid?” I asked dreamily. “Do you think she’ll wipe out the fridge? Do you think she’ll scrub the grout in the shower? Do you think we can get one who uses eco-friendly cleaning solution? Would it be rude to ask her to do our laundry? How much should we give her for a Christmas bonus? Should we send her kid a graduation present?”

I looked down at the dinner table to see that I’d used the tines of my salad fork to carve a giant heart with the initials CPSF + M inside it.

“That’s okay,” I sighed, drawing my pinky finger lazily through the wood shavings, “the maid will deal with it when she gets here.”

You probably think I’m joking but I’m not: I’m getting a maid and I’m getting one soon.

And now to address the question I’m sure has been eating at you:

If you’re so busy that you can’t sweep or mop then how did you have time to write this post?

My answer?

Shove off.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in awesome., change, Cutting Back, failures, I hate change, It's All Good, kitchen failures, Married Life, mediocrity, what I'm about and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to At what point in life can I rationalise a maid?

  1. Juli says:

    So when I first read the title of this post I thought oh please she does not need a maid. But after reading your post I am totally all for you getting a maid and want one myself. I feel the same way about my house. Its cleanish but never top to bottom Martha Stewart clean and the thought of coming home to some of those awful chores completed and the house just a relaxing peaceful haven sounds wonderful.
    Basically, I enjoyed this post.

  2. anna says:

    When you care enough about your house being “that” clean – unlike me – is when you should get a maid. :)

  3. Chloe says:

    I could be the maid…
    I could move to Canada, work for you and be your neighbor… whatcha think? ;-)

  4. irene says:

    i don’t judge you, i actually think it’s a good idea if you have two jobs and kyle is also out of the house the whole day. i totally understand your point and i think you can afford it once a week. i know people who can’t and who don’t work and who have a maid!

  5. Geevz says:

    So someone in my ward asked on facebook if anyone had a maid and how much they paid them. I was so surprised to see the sheer number of people who have housekeepers. And how the housekeepers made more an hour than I do substitute teaching.

    Whenever you time is worth more to you than the amount of money, I say hire it out! Whether that is gardening, cleaning, snow shoveling, cooking, etc. And don’t even feel bad because you are giving someone else the opportunity to earn money for honest work. In The Number One Women’s Detective Agency, they talk about how it is a moral obligation for those with enough money to hire a maid as a way to share their money with the rest of the village. And wealthy meant you had a two bedroom house. Of course this is a completely reliable source on African culture, but an interesting thought all the same.

    I hope the day of your maid comes soon!

  6. chelsie says:

    When the day comes that you can mop the floor while you are wearing pj’s and tucked in your beautiful bed I will then judge you for writing a blog post instead of mopping.

  7. Dutch girl says:

    I work from home and I have a maid. I adore her, but let me tell you one thing: maids don’t thoroughly clean your house. That’s a myth. They just clean, nothing special about it. At least, that’s my friends’ and my experience (disappointment). We got a maid about 1.5 years ago and suffered a whole year before we finally decided we had to get someone else. She smelled bad, belched and farted!! She was a nice lady, but she had too many flaws, and frankly, she wasn’t a good cleaner. So I ordered my boyfriend to call the cleaning service and ask for someone else. And then she came, our angel! A calm, friendly person, I hardly notice her when she’s working (while I’m working as well). She does the same in half of the time.
    If you want a spotless house, do as I did last week: reorganize your house, change everything, then you’ll have to clean all the dirt. I cleaned the windows and washed the curtains for the first time in three years!!! So embarrassing!!
    Anyway, my advice: don’t hesitate another minute, get that cleaning lady, she’ll make your life so much better!! Enjoy!
    P.S. please write more posts (I understand you’re busy though)

  8. Mindi says:

    This post has made me start daydreaming of a maid of my own. It is impossible to keep up with all the filth! I was thinking today about your book that you said you were going to write this month. Just wondering if you are writing it. I would totally read that book!

  9. DeAnna says:

    I have to say, I’ve had the same exact thoughts myself. I was raised in a house that was FULL of children, residents & non residents alike. So naturally it was a DISASTER most of the time! Now I can understand why we each had so many chores to do in that giant house! Mainly it was to save my mother’s sanity as she couldn’t afford to hire a maid.

    So now the argument in my house is that it isn’t clean ENOUGH! Really my MIL’s house is akin to a museum, so really no matter how CLEAN my house is, it will NEVER be as clean as hers, it will simply be normal clean. My logic is that my house has 2 children, 2 dogs and 2 adults living in it, so of course there will be SOME mess, after all we LIVE here!

    Anyways, so back to the maid, I would hire one in a heartbeat if I had the funds to do so.

  10. Get a maid. It will be the best decision of your life. It is worth every penny. Coming home to a clean house (that you had no part in!) is the best feeling in the world!! Do it, do it, do it!!

  11. Whitney says:

    We had housekeepers when I was younger who came once a week and cleaned. Are a maid and housekeepers different because the certainly didnt do our dishes or clean out our fridge. In fact my mom made us pick up our rooms before the housekeepers came so they could easily dust and vaccuum. Just something to take into consideration.

  12. Marilyn says:

    This post is awesome! I love that you’re day dreaming about what the maid would clean, etc. Just do it. I’m sure you won’t regret your decision.

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