Barefoot in the Kitchen

Last night, I was cooking corn-on-the-cob in a pot of boiling water on the stove (as opposed to on the grill, which turned out to be an epic failure the last time), and in a twist of unfortunate circumstances, I splashed a smattering of boiling hot water on my right foot.

See, normally, when cooking, I wear socks and slippers so as to avoid the old stereotype of being “barefoot in the kitchen.”  Last night, however, I had misplaced my slippers, so instead I donned only one thin pair of socks.  When the boiling water came gushing down upon my tender little foot, you better believe my first thought was, “One more reason never to be caught ‘barefoot in the kitchen.'” {Actually, that was my second thought; my first thought was “SHIT!”}

I really can’t count the times my feet have been saved by a pair of slippers while in the kitchen.  A lumbering oaf like me really doesn’t belong in la cuisine—it’s a miracle I still have my toes!  Just last week, I dropped a butcher knife on the floor; the week before, I had a very close encounter with a tragic bit of eggshell; not long before that, I shattered a cup when it slipped out of my wet hands.

Perhaps a better bit of advice (better than “Don’t be caught barefoot in the kitchen”), is “Don’t allow clumsy idiots within ten feet of one.”  A kitchen, that is.

Julia Child would not approve, I’m afraid.  But the corn-on-the-cob was delicious—some of the best we’d ever eaten.  Must have been the sacrifice of blood, sweat, and tears that made it so tasty.  I wonder if that qualifies as a recipe? Step 1: Boil water.  Step 2: Insert corn, plus a dash of blood, sweat, and tears {to taste}.  The more you hurt, the better it will taste.  Step 3: Enjoy, if possible.

After I’d gotten over the shock of my burned foot, we watched a movie and I soaked my foot in a tub of cool water (giving myself charlie horses in my calf because the bucket wasn’t big enough for my foot to rest flat {the charlie horses thereby reminding me of my high school volleyball days, which was disastrous [both the days themselves, and the remembrance of them]}).  As I was sitting there with one freezing foot that was both numb and painful at the same time, it occurred to me that this must be what amputees feel like.

May we never know their suffering.

I always thought that if I were an amputee, I would be the bad kind.  You know what I mean?  There are good and bad amputees—the good ones get fitted with a prosthetic (or not) and go on to run marathons, climb mountains, and become poster girls for Roxy™.

BethanyHamilton1Inspiring, the whole lot of them.  Image from here.

The bad ones let their lives wither away to nothing until they one day wake up and find themselves in Arizona, sitting on the corner of a freeway exit holding a cardboard sign, mumbling to themselves about the good ol’ days.

I’d probably be that kind.  I never have been very good at seeing the bright side of things, but I do try.

Anyway, as it happens, my blistered foot is turning out for the best.  I don’t own a single pair of shoes that won’t irritate the battle wound, which means I have—at long last—a solid excuse to stay home, in bed if I want, because where would I go without shoes?

Nowhere near the kitchen, that’s for dang sure.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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14 Responses to Barefoot in the Kitchen

  1. Camberley says:

    Boo! Burns are the worst. I hope your corn turned out good this time since you suffered such a horrendous battle wound.

  2. lindsay says:

    hahaha, i’ve always thought that same thing about myself…not in way of amputee, but as someone that goes thru some kind of major trauma. I’d be the one who turned bitter and angry and locked myself away in my house – not the kind to go out and be positive and write a book about it and move on with my life. I’d hold a grudge….that’s one of my talents actually. Major grudgeholding.

  3. Ow! Lavender oil, amazing for any burns.
    Feel better.

  4. Cristin says:

    Do you think you’re dramatic? Maybe just a little?

  5. Granmama says:

    Did you know Maxine Updike, Susan’s mother. got her foo† amputated?

  6. malia says:

    Summer corn is so good. The burn, not so good.

    You are much better than me though, I cook barefoot all the time. I should be more careful.

  7. Alexa Mae says:

    first of all, ouch! im so sorry you got hurt.
    second, this made me laugh alot. gosh, i love your writing but i love you more!!!

    p.s. let me know where those bums are in mesa. haha

  8. Whitney says:

    I suggest you eat out more. I would sure hate to hear that you have no feet.

  9. RatalieNose says:

    Ow ow ow ow!!!!
    Bless you!

  10. niki says:

    would you believe me if i told you i’ve never heard that rule before…

    but it’s a good one, i will admit.

    tonight i was cooking barefoot in the kitchen and pearla came up and bit my big toe. hard. it hurt. she must of thought it a carrot or something…or maybe she was trying to teach me about that barefoot in the kitchen lesson…

    thank you for spelling it out so i could actually understand what she was trying to say.

    i think i’ve learned my lesson.

  11. Rachel says:

    Ouch! I hope it feels better. When I was pregnant the first time I made the mistake of trying to fry bacon while not wearing a shirt (yes, I know that’s weird). You can imagine how that went. Basically any kind of nudity, even if it’s just your feet can get you into trouble in the kitchen.

    And I bet that corn was delicious! That’s the only way to make it! Yum.

  12. ann marie says:

    I feel your pain! I have almost stabbed my foot a few times with the knife.. but never the hot water “yet”. ( knock on wood. ) But I am ALWAYS barefoot in the kitchen. :)

  13. Anonymous says:

    To the pool.

  14. kat says:

    I used to see a giant billboard with Bethany on it as I drove out of the McDonald’s drive thru. I’m really happy about her faith, her family and her fighting to get back on the board but it doesn’t really scream, “Yummy, chicken nuggets”.

    I thought this would be a great Drive thru deterrent. No, I just switched McDonalds.

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