Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

I’m such a hypochondriac.  Any time I feel the slightest bit of discomfort, I immediately diagnose myself with some horrible—and incurable, obviously—disease.  It’s a real problem.  My doctor had to start screening his calls because of me.  I’m not kidding.  Typed below is a transcript of a call I made on Thursday morning.  (Calls may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance, you know…I figured, “Why not?”)

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT: [09/10/09 8:02 a.m. MST]

Good morning, Mayberry Medical Clinic, this is Monique speaking, how may I help you?

Hi, Monique.  How are you this morning?

I’m pretty good, and yourself?

My self is lousy—why else would I be calling the clinic? Do I sound like a telemarketer?  Are you an imbecile, Monique?

No, I don’t think so…

Well, I certainly hope you’re just the receptionist and not the nurse.  I can’t be having a daft nurse looking after me.  I’m very sick, you know.

Oh, I’m sorry.  I hadn’t heard.

Well, you’re hearing it now.  Yes, Monique, I’m very sick.  I’ll probably be dying pretty soon.

My gosh, that’s awful!  What is it you’re suffering from?

What is it from which I suffer, you mean?  (Under breath: I guess they don’t teach proper grammar in secretary school anymore…) Well, it’s really bad.  It’s…CTS.

CTS?  As in…Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

Yes.  (Deep sigh.) Yes, that’s it.  I can hardly bear to hear the words.  Isn’t it horrible?

Well, yes, it is horrible, but…well…

What, Monique?  Don’t ramble on so—I have very tender nerves, and you’re irritating them!

I’m sorry.  It’s just that…I didn’t realise Carpal Tunnel Syndrome was fatal.

Well, it’s highly uncommon.  In fact, I am the first person in the history of the world to die from it.  But that’s typical of me—if it were possible to meet my maker because of an ingrown toenail, I would probably do it.  I have very bad luck, Monique.

Yes, it sounds like it.  Well, is there anything I can do to help you?

As a matter of fact, there is.  That’s why I’m calling.  I need to speak with Dr. Meade.  Is he in today?

Yes he is.  What can I tell him you’re calling about?

Oh, I have this terrible pain in my wrist, and I’d like him to take a look at it.

…  … … But…isn’t that caused by your CTS?

Well, naturally it is, Monique!  For heaven’s sake—I know I said I’m unlucky, but do you really think I would have two wrist problems coinciding at the same time?

Well, all I’m wondering is…  Well…

What is it, Monique?  Weren’t you listening when I told you my nerves can’t handle dawdling receptionists?

I’m sorry.  What I mean is…if you already know you have CTS, and there’s nothing that can be done to save you from certain peril, why do you need to see Dr. Meade?

Oh.  Well…I haven’t been diagnosed yet.  But I’m sure it’s a fatal case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome—I looked it up on WebMD and I am suffering from all the most extreme symptoms.  And I’m positive I’m going to die before I see the age of 23.  Is Dr. Meade in?  It’s urgent that I speak with him.

Umm…[muffled voices] as a matter of fact, he was here, but now he’s not.  He…  He’s gone.

Gone?

Yes.

Well, where did he go?  Can you fetch him?  Does he have a cell phone?  What kind of small-town physician doesn’t have a cell phone?  It’s urgent that I speak with him as soon as possible!

Ummm…well [muffled voices]…he…he quit.

HE QUIT?  As in…he quit his JOB?

Yes.  He says…he says it’s just not worth it anymore.  He says if he wanted to deal with shit all day he would’ve been a plumber.  That was a quote—I don’t normally swear in front of patients.  I’m very sorry.

Oh.  Are you sorry for swearing or sorry that he’s abandoning me on my deathbead?

I’m sorry for swearing.

Oh.  Okay…well…thanks.  Thanks anyway.

***CALL ENDED: 09/10/09 8:07 a.m. MST***

Does anyone have a good home remedy for the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?  It looks like I’m on my own.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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18 Responses to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

  1. Jacque says:

    I love that conversation. It made me laugh… I hope thats okay… :/ But, I do not have any cures for CTS, the only person I ever knew who had it really bad had surgery I think… Oh that is probably not going to help you. I’m sorry. :(

  2. Alyssa says:

    It’s greatly affected by your posture in daily activities- you should check out a book on ergonomics, I learned a bunch of stuff I never thought of before.

  3. Maureen says:

    haha, is really an actual conversation?

  4. kat says:

    Nicely done.

    However, you might be the very reason he quit! Just kidding!

    I feel your pain however I’ve never been on my deathbed from CTS before. Mine is mostly minor and anoying. My MIL had surgery on both wrists. Now, TMJ…. I’ve been on my deathbed. Wisdom teeth. Yeah, those too.

  5. Alexa Mae says:

    oh the tears are running down my face {cause you are hilar, not that you think you may die}. oh this was the best so far….
    doctors dont know much anyway. hehe. do you really have cts? if so, my mom does a little too, i mean shes 42 but still, she wears a little wrist band when it hurts….
    still laughing……and trying to type. xoxoxo you made my day. srsly.

  6. mameelynn says:

    hahaha… I got pretty bad CTS when I was pregnant with my first baby. My whole hands would go numb and fuzzy. the Dr gave me some wrist band things to wear and it worked to get the fuzzy to go away but then I couldn’t move my wrists so it was six of one and half a dozen of the other…. But I could type still so I guess you will just have to work through the pain to blog so all of us readers can have the joy of reading them…..

  7. Camberley says:

    Love the dialogue.

    In my previous life I worked as a massage therapist doing deep tissue massages. If you were in AZ I could help cure you.

    I guess this really didn’t help – sorry.

    ~C

  8. DeAnna says:

    Wearing one of those magnetic bracelets might help, but then again that could be just for arthritis. I know there is some surgery to fix CTS, at least so I have heard. A great Monday post!

  9. Molly says:

    I always just wrap my wrist really tight with an ace bandage for a few hours, or all day, the next day it is good as can be.

    hope that helps.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Did you make up that bit about a plumber, etc, or did you read it somewhere? That is freaking hilarious. Please use that in one of your books someday! Love it.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Oh, and why don’t you tell everyone about your rheumatoid arthritis, too, while you’re at it?

  12. Rachel says:

    I too am a victim of the CTS so I share your pain. I wore wrist braces at night which sort of helped. I got a steroid injection in my wrist which didn’t help at all and hurt like @#$%!. I resorted to the surgery and haven’t had a bit of problem since. However, if you wanted to try an experiment (sort of like no ‘poo but not as fun), my chiropractor told me to try taping the bottom part of my hand to reshape the actual carpal tunnel and relieve the pressure on the nerve. Here’s a link to some tapes you can buy: http://www.mycarpaltunnel.com/ The pictures on that site are helpful to see where to tape. He said to use electrical tape and just wrap it around the bottom part of your hand to make it more of an arch and that the bones, tendons, and ligaments would remodel over time. You can e-mail me if you want more details. You too can survive CTS!

  13. Rachel says:

    traction (get Poor Kyle to take your hand in both of his and pull towards himself gently but firmly and then hold it, you should feel a stretch, and then do it again) or acupuncture (seriously). And there’s nothing wrong with having your doctorate from the University of Google.

  14. TeamHaynes says:

    I’m not very savvy when it comes to this stuff but would icing it help? You might want to try some herbs for the inflammation. You poor thing. At least you get free healthcare! :)

  15. GRANMAMA says:

    The cure for CTS is a mamogram.

  16. RatalieNose says:

    I like the sound of this Dr. Meade….

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