Communication Nation

Wedding Thank Yous

I have been married for almost two years, and it has only been within the last few months that I have really started to feel like a wife.  It’s true—until recently, I felt like just Poor Kyle’s girlfriend and not his wife at all.  It was very bad for my conscience—there was a part of me that felt very wicked because I wasn’t actually married to Poor Kyle, but instead just some hussy living in sin.

Isn’t that bizarre?

I suppose part of the reason I never felt like a wife was because we’d dated for longer than we had been married.  We dated for two years, and now we’ve been married for nearly two years, but before this, we’d been boyfriend-girlfriend [hello, seventh grade terminology!] for longer than we’d been husband-wife.  In my mind, because of some nonexistent formula I made up, years dated and years married add up to zero, so now it’s like our lives can actually start.  [What?  That doesn’t make perfect sense to you?  Meh.  I have always been lousy at math.  It’s high time I make up my own equations, don’t you think?  Can’t stand Algebra?  That’s okay, go ahead and create a different kind of math.  Don’t worry if it is logical or not—just wing it!]

Aside from my Marriage Theorem, it seems like it’s taken two entire years just for us to figure out how to communicate with each other.

For example, I have come to realise that I expect—require, even—clear, straightforward conversations with Poor Kyle.  I don’t understand him when he beats around the bush, because Hi, I’m Camille And I Overthink Everything.  So when he says, “What are your plans for dinner tonight,” I’m all, “Why is he asking me that?  Is he wanting to hang out with friends?  I don’t really have any plans, but I’ll make something up if it will keep him at home tonight.  Or maybe he wants to go out to dinner, just the two of us!  Awww…so sweet.  Wait—he’s only sweet on my birthday, and that was days ago!  He’s probably just checking to see what’s on the menu so he can brace himself if it’s something he can’t stand, like cream of mushroom soup.  Such a jerk.  Doesn’t he know that I work hard to plan meals around what’s in season and what’s on sale so that we can eat frugally and healthily and not blow our entire paychecks on fast food and wasted produce?  He might think it’s easy to plan meals, BUT HE HAS NO IDEA HOW HARD HE MAKES IT, AND WHY CAN’T HE—JUST ONCE!—EAT LEFTOVERS FOR LUNCH?!”

And what I say is, “You know what?  I don’t care what you do!  You don’t appreciate me—you never have—and you can eat your OWN MOTHERLOVING DINNER TONIGHT!”

When really all he was wondering was what we were having for dinner.  What he should have said, then, was “What’s for dinner?”

So I need straightforward communication.  Obviously.

But for Poor Kyle, when I am blunt and to-the-point, he interprets it as being abrupt and unfeeling.  Like when I say, “I hate it when you leave for trips,” he feels like I’m saying, “I hate YOU when you leave for trips, and I’ll never get over my angst, so you might as well not even bother coming home!”  What I need to be saying, in a more gentle manner, is “I hate feeling so sad and lonely when you leave for trips.  I wish you didn’t have to go.”

I’m glad that now, two years into our marriage, I can finally feel like a wife instead of a brazen harlot from Madame Mimi’s House of Whores.I’m so glad we’ve finally approached (note I said “approached” and not “reached” {because we’re still working on it}) this point of open communication.  It has been very helpful to our marriage.  Really, it was only a matter of time before Poor Kyle innocently announced he was going out with friends and I would freak out because HE’D TOLD ME HE DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE AND HIS FRIENDS MAKE BETTER COMPANIONS THAN I DO OR EVER COULD!

I’m really glad we never got to that point.

And also, in re-reading this post, I’ve come to realise just how deserving Poor Kyle is of his prefix.

Poor, poor Poor Kyle.

What about you?  Let’s all take this Monday to reflect…  What breakthroughs have you reached lately?  Have they been a long-time coming, like mine, or were you lucky to be a quick learner?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in change, It's All Good, looking back, Married Life, mondays suck, Poor Kyle and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Communication Nation

  1. Anonymous says:

    It isn’t officially two years yet, so I guess you’re still a brazen hussy living in sin.

  2. Emily says:

    My most recent breakthrough? Deciding that I need a few more years to work on my own communication with guys (or just give up for a while.) And I thought when you get married it all magically works out. ;)

  3. malia says:

    It’s not really a new breakthrough, but a confirmation that marriage is like a living organism, evolving and changing as it adapts to life’s many stages.

    Boston turned our lives upside down, but now I can’t imagine moving back to our life the way it was (Arizona and all)
    As hard as it was at first (and still is), I don’t think we’ve ever been closer.

  4. malia says:

    ps. I feel you on the whole “girlfriend” thing.

    sometimes I look at David and say, “are we seriously married or just playing house?!”

  5. Jenn says:

    Haha, funny formula! We dated for 12 years before we were married, and have now been married 1 1/2 years, so I’ve got a while to go!

  6. “a brazen harlot from Madame Mimi’s House of Whores”
    FAVORITE!!!

  7. Kristen says:

    I happen to like the marriage theorem but of course, I was also bad at math….Anyway me being single my greatest accomplishment right now is cleaned the house. Oh, I don’t mean with a little lysol and pledge(even though I did that too),I removed junk and useless items. I purdged myself of trivial things and it was glorious : ) Hope you have a great week!

  8. Tisha says:

    I’m impressed that it only took you 2 years to approach being able to communicate. James and I are coming on 5 years and we’re still trying to get there! And, on a side note, I’m dying to know which shoes you picked and who won!

  9. You sound like you’re amazingly smart for your age. It took me forever to realize men see every comment made as being about them in some way. They’re like little kids (and I don’t mean that as a dis), needing constant praise and reinforcement. Kyle’s lucky!

  10. Kelly says:

    I’ve been married for 2 years, together for almost 9. Sometimes I feel like we are just playing house. I woke up about two weeks ago and realized that I was in fact 27, married, a home owner, have a career, and am smack bad in the middle of my Masters. Then I went back to watching cartoons and eating Trix cereal.

  11. Kelly says:

    dab, not bad that’s what I meant.

  12. Maureen says:

    Thanks for this post. It has made me feel better about my relationship. Matt and I will have been dating for one year (!!!) this Thursday and what I’ve realized is we still have a lot to learn about each other and how to communicate in a more effective manner. I’m the same as you. I overthink things WAY too much. Perhaps sometimes we all just need to calm down, take a step back, and deal with it.

  13. Katie says:

    How insightful you are on a Monday morning, Camille! I hadn’t actually paid attention to it before, but it took Chris and I about a year or two into our marriage before we communicated well. And we’d been together for SIX YEARS at that point! I think communicating as husband and wife is very different than communicating as girlfriend and boyfriend. There’s so much more on the line and so much more context, I think.

    Our recent breakthrough has been about the baby (of course). I am learning that I shouldn’t wait until I’m on the brink of tears to ask him to help me. I should be open to help and not see it as a criticism from him.

    Whew! I feel better already! Thanks!

  14. DeAnna says:

    Marriage is hard, after nearly 7 yrs of it that is still so true. My hubby and I still have moments of miscommunication. I think it is, learning to get past those moments by not taking things so personally & learning to agree to disagree, that really makes a good marriage. Because honestly no two people are ever going to always agree on things. Just something that I’ve learned over that last 7 years.

  15. mameelynn says:

    My biggest breakthrough is that sometimes the best way Brad can help with the house chores is to just keep the boys out of my hair and do them all myself… I really hate to do the dishes and when we first got married we made a deal that if I cooked he would wash the dishes…. Well 3 years later I have found that the best way to not have a fight about it all the time is to just wash the dishes myself… if not he will just let them sit until all of the dishes in the house are in the sink…. trust me I have left it just to see and it was pretty gross!
    Communication is a hard one… We both can pretty blunt and it can hurt feelings a lot. We both try and now 3 years into it we seem to be able to think and edit before we speak and offend!

  16. TeamHaynes says:

    I totally feel like a hussy sometimes too. Now I know I’m not crazy, and YOU can know you aren’t crazy. The first six months I would wake up and think, “Oh my gosh! Taylor is in my bed! He’s not supposed to be in BED with me.” But then I realized we said some very important vows and the ring on my finger = I’m not a slutbag. Nice.
    One of the breakthroughs that I have been faced with are my own issues that can’t affect our marriage. I know Taylor can’t be with me all the time helping me with every task at hand. I want him to, but we have lives. There’s work and school and I need to do things on my own. I have a lot of things in my past that changed me today, but working on them strengthens me and our marriage. I would say it has been a long time coming, which isn’t the most fun but at least I realize it now! Looking inside and finding out what is holding me back is only making things better and letting me heal.
    Well, there’s the psych freak in me talking but its true. There is much more to learn about each other. Especially when we have kids!
    PS- are you going to answer more random q’s from people? Do you have more q’s to answer?

  17. Jessica says:

    Funny…my husband and I just hit the 2 year mark in September and I felt the same way: I AM ACTUALLY A WIFE.

    Why did that take so long…I have no idea

    http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

  18. kat says:

    LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Your dress!

  19. Alexa Mae says:

    I was laughing so hard tears were streaming, then C asked me what was so funny so I read it to him and he was laughing. I think this might be my fave post of yours. I completely agree with you on the whole girlfriend/wife thing. We dated for two years also, and I remember feeling that way for a while.
    Answering your question, I feel like everytime you have a breakthrough, that breakthrough will require another one in the near future. Marriage is work, not a given. And as you each get older and wiser {hopefully ;)} you have to adjust once again. It’s a neverending process with a very very rewarding gift if you are willing to work for it.
    love ya girl!

  20. anna says:

    Breakthroughs? I’ve relaxed. I am one of the most high-strung anal people I know. But lately, I’ve learned the art of relaxing and not yelling at my husband for spending $1.07 on a soda. :)

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