Crowning Glory

This is a public service announcement.

Dear Readers,

I love you, but HAVE YOU GONE MAD?

I write one little post about premature menopause, and before I can say “Yasmin,” I’m suspected of pregnancy?  Mercy hell sakes alive.

Zoom in on ThisPoor Kyle and I are a two-person family.  There’s no room in the frame for anyone else right now.  Maybe it’s a little out of focus, but it’s a good picture anyway.  Cayman Islands, May 2009.

I was on the white pill week (menstruating, if you will {How unfortunate that I have sunk so low as to use that atrocious word in a blog post, huh?  I know.}) the day I flew down to Arizona for dear Great Uncle Henry’s life celebration.  My dwindling stash of Playtex Sport (regular absorbtion) proved I wasn’t pregnant then; I’m certainly not pregnant now, less than a week later.  Poor Kyle stayed in Canada, you see, and as far as it was explained to me during the Fifth Grade sex talk, making babies takes both eggs and sperm.  I might be dumb, but I’m nowhere near stupid enough to be a floozy while Poor Kyle waits patiently for my return to Canada.  His is all the sperm I’ll ever need.

How awkward.

So no.  I’m not pregnant.  I’m not trying to get pregnant.  I don’t expect to be any time soon.

Now that we’ve got that settled, readers, I would like to share one funny story with you about my weekend.  This is the one about me and The Comeback.  The Comeback, as in the single-most brilliant retort I’ve ever delivered with pitch-perfect accuracy and without missing a beat.  It’s almost as if someone had written the script for me…

After my Great Uncle Henry’s funeral was over, all the family members who’d attended the funeral congregated for an organised luncheon put on by our church (birth, death, baptism, wedding—we eat a lot in our culture).  As I made my way between tables full of family members I hadn’t seen in years, I paused to visit with some dear cousins and their parents.  My uncle, who I’ve always been a little scared of, began the teasing and good-natured ribbing almost immediately after I sat down.

“So, Mill-mill, where’s that Canadian husband of yours?”

“Oh, he’s back home enjoying his week as a bachelor.”  It was my formula answer to the question I’d heard a hundred times already that day from well-meaning relatives.  (My relatives are nothing if not well-meaning.  I love ’em all.)

Taking my response as a cue to prod into our family planning schedule, my uncle asked, “So when are you guys gonna get pregnant?”

And friends, I tell you, what I said next was inspired. I swear to you it was not pre-meditated:

In a moment of unadulterated genius, I replied with a straight face, “Oh, didn’t you know?  Kyle can’t.  Get pregnant, that is.  Never has, never will.  It’s really pretty sad.”

There was a split second of awkward silence while the table processed my frank admission; my heart almost stopped for fear that they wouldn’t get the joke, and instead think I was confessing some sort of medical problem with Poor Kyle’s manly bits.  Then, just as I was preparing to make a hasty retreat to the food table, my uncle started to chuckle.  And then laugh.  And then roar.  Soon, the entire table was positively in stitches.  I sighed in relief, let loose a little giggle, and then I left anyway to change the underoos I had soiled while waiting for them to catch on.

It was a crowning jewel in my sparsely decorated collection of clever and witty moments.

Forgive me for bragging, but I know it is unlikely to ever happen again.  I have to soak it in while the glory is still fresh in my mind.

I am not pregnant.  I don’t need a pee stick to tell me that.

This has been a public service announcement.

Thank you and goodbye.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in family, It's All Good, Married Life, oh brother what next, Poor Kyle. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Crowning Glory

  1. DeeMarie says:

    Wow… I never even through of pregnancy when I read the post. Maybe because I’ve been through all that before too and have never been preggers either.
    Your comeback was awesome. I never think of those quick enough!!!

  2. Cyndi says:

    Oh, that was a good one! My DH is quite the witty one, but I always think of the perfect thing to say a few hours after the moment in which to say it…ugh. Thanx for the morning laugh!

  3. Jenn says:

    A friend of mine used to respond to the question concerning family planning with this, “and how is your sex life?” Because that’s essentially what you’re asking about! Geesh!

  4. lindsay says:

    your wittiness makes me happy! do i have permission to quote you every sunday when 50 RS women ask me when i’m due? …i like jenn’s comment too. I definitely think that one is gonna have to get used. For shock value if nothing else.

  5. Yeah, it’s nobody’s business, but you can’t tell them that.
    Very funny.

  6. Leann says:

    *sigh* I really get tired of hearing that question. My mom held a baby at a wedding shower last weekend and looked at me and said “Hint, hint” even after she told me that my grandmother told one of my high school friends that hubby and I were trying for a baby but were having problems, which is completely false (she dreamed it up). I was so mad at my mother and just glared at her and said, “Now, look what you started” because my grandmother chimed in, “Yeah, it’s about time!” UGH. No one’s business. I sometimes feel like saying, “Well, how do you know that we’re able to have kids? Maybe we can’t.” Sometimes I want to step on someone’s toes to make them realize they’re being intrusive. But I usually just smile and say, “Whenever God wants us to.”

  7. jami says:

    good one! OK, so I am having the same problem as you…it seems that everywhere I turn people are asking me if I am prego (not just at church, although I do have a least 5 people ask me every week when I am going to get pregnant)??? before I had to get my pacemaker. They were wheeling me down the hall way and all of the sudden the nurse asks “are you preganate?”
    Me: “um, no”
    Nurse: “how can you be sure”
    Me: “I finished my period yesterday”
    Nurse: “that doesn’t mean you aren’t preganate”
    Me: …starting to sweat, and freak out
    Nurse: “do you want to be pregnant?”
    Me: “NO…HELL NO, I want to get a pacemaker…not a baby”
    Nurse: “calm down, lets just go and take a test…”
    Me: DYING!
    Nurse: “why are you freaking out if you don’t think you are pregnant?”
    Me: “b/c you just said that starting and finishing my period doesn’t mean anything!”
    Needless to say I took the test, and it was negative…THANKFULLY!
    Also(this is getting long). I had to get an X-ray last week, and they did it to me again. They freaked me out, and made me take another test. I told them that it would be an ACT OF GOD if I was pregnant!
    It was negative again. Such peace of mind!

  8. Camberley says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Loved every second of this post.

    Cheers,
    C

  9. RatalieNose says:

    Um me and Sabrina just read this and almost peed our pants reading this. I had a moment of brilliance the other day as well!
    L: I’m lucky
    Me: How do you know?
    L: I can just feel it inside.
    Me: Nah, I think it’s just gas.

  10. Jethro says:

    Dear writer:
    Yes. I have gone mad.
    Long time ago.
    Did someone mention the ‘P’ word again?
    When will they ever learn?

  11. Holly Decker says:

    brilliant. pure brilliance.

    so… i personally hate when people ask that question about “when are you starting… yadda yadda”… gross. ew. none of your business.
    and yet… sadly enough, i have indeed married a man who asks EVERYONE that question. i always blush when he does it…

    sorry it happened to ya, darling. and alas, i shall never ask or accuse you, never. and that is a promise.

    and um, remember that blog update i promised? um… i am struggling to find motivation to continue blogging. right now my life seems so crazy and i am so behind… i am overwhelmed and saddened. but never fear… even if you ban my blog for lack of updates… i will forever remain your faithful reader.

  12. Whitney says:

    I was going to say the same thing as Jami… Sorry to say Camille having a period doesnt necessarily mean you are off the hook for a baby. I knew a woman who had her period for the first 4 months of her pregnancy. Not to scare you or anything. Im sure you arent prego… But i did feel the same way as you have been when I was pregnant…….. are you still breathing?

  13. Anonymous says:

    Oh, dear. That’s all I have to say about that!

  14. Chloe says:

    LOL that’s brilliant!
    Love it!!

  15. Please let us know when you do try so that we can route for you (or is that root, I never remember which one to use).

  16. Granmama says:

    No child should come into the world unwanted. Please—-don’t even think about it unless you are 100% sure that you are ready for the eternal commitment it takes to reproduce, nurture, and raise a little one. They are just too precious to be treated as less than the treasure they are.

  17. Jeff says:

    Over sensitivity to harmless comments…yet another sign of pregnancy. :) Totally just bugging by the way!

  18. Rachel says:

    ahahahahaha! I’m in the group that thinks you’re very witty even if sometimes it doesn’t come out when you want it to. And yes, I have noticed too that our culture is into the food. You know, down here in Florida we don’t do the green jello thing you always hear about. We didn’t do it in Ohio either. How about Arizona?

  19. DeAnna says:

    Love it! Great rebuttal!!

Comments are closed.