Did You Hear the One About the One-Finned Sea Turtle?

My fish was complaining about his tank all day today—he said he was sick of swimming around in circles  He kept telling me how tired he was of swimming clockwise, and that all he really wanted to do was torpedo in a straight line like the other fishes in the sea.

I told him to be quiet or I’d bite his other fin off.

Okay, I don’t have a fish, and if I did, I wouldn’t bite any of its fins off; furthermore, it probably wouldn’t be talking to me {although I won’t rule out the possibility completely, because I was taught never to say never, and I totally fell for that life lesson hook, line, and sinker}.

But today I heard the story of Allison, the one-finned sea turtle, and it reminded me of that lame-spice wisecrack.  I sort of couldn’t resist sharing it. Allison’s plight is certainly no joke, however—sea turtles lose fins all the time in the wild.  Allison became one lucky duck {sort of} when she was introduced to Sea Turtles, Inc. in South Padre Island, Texas back in 2005.  I bet she never dreamed that one day, four years later, she’d finally be able to swim in a straight line (some sea turtles take that for granted, you know…).

allison-sea-turtleImage from here.

Allison was given a wet-suit prosthetic body armor sort of thing…it looks pretty cool, but even if it didn’t make her look like a super-chic version of go-go-gadget-aqua, it would still be life-changing, because it helps her swim straight.

CAN YOU IMAGINE? Swimming around in circles like that for half your life, never reaching any destination, around and around and a freaking round, and then suddenly one day you get a wetsuit and you have a destination!  A purpose!  I think it must be very liberating.

After years of swimming in circles, she can finally head in a straight path.  Does anybody else see some parallels here?  Through Allison, I can now relate to a sea turtle 100% more than I ever thought I would.

I need a wetsuit with a prosthetic brain attached.  I need it like I need Lasik™.  I want it.  And when I get it (as I surely will), I can imagine how this article would read a little differently:

SOUTHERN ALBERTA, CANADA- Camille, a young aspiring blogger who lost half of her brainpower in a recent kerfuffle with a tragic semester at University, has been rambling around and around and around ever since, never reaching any breakthrough of brilliance on her website, archiveslives.com.

Thinking in tight, intelligent circles has been tough for the 22-year-old writer whose blog expectancy, after the latest semester, is about 2 months.  With her brain matter only half as productive as that of her peers, the cheeky blogger’s website was basically beat when it was born.

That is, until Camille was {finally} set straight Wednesday, when disgruntled AoOL readers researchers strangled her down and outfitted her in a black neoprene suit with carbon-fiber brain matter on the top that allows her to glide gracefully through witty thought processes.

“That’s a blogger doing what a blogger does,” said Poor Kyle, proudly.  Poor Kyle is Camille’s husband and tech guy, who watched the blogger’s new, astounding thoughts take flight at Blog Brain Inc., a nonprofit group that rehabilitates injured bloggers’ brains.

brain-matterImage from here.

The brain matter on the suit, which resembles—well, brain matter—acts like a rudder for her thoughts, providing direction, stability, airtight arguments, earth-moving rhetoric, and impeccable grammar. Camille’s thoughts can change direction by varying the intensity of {what’s left of} her old brain matter, the lone survivor in what rescuers believe was a near-fatal semester of University.

Blog Brain Inc. CEO Goog Googler said bloggers with only half-functioning brain matter are usually obliterated from search engines because they struggle in the competition against more prolific bloggers. 3/4-brain functioning bloggers can be adopted by Google AdSense™, and full-brain functioning bloggers are usually sponosored, and paid real money, and wildly successful.  Now, after the ground-breaking new innovation, Camille might have a chance among other bloggers.

Camille’s blog arrived on the internet in July of 2007, and was given a slim chance of survival, but it clung for life for the next year and a half and wormed her way into the hearts of a solid group of choice readers, who rallied to find a way to help the thought-prohibited blogger.

Ow My Brain MatterCamille’s brain matter has been on a slow decline since January 2009.

“The whole reason we’re doing this is to improve her quality of blog,” said Camille’s anonymous sister, a faithful reader of Archives of Our Lives since the very first post.

The sister said a team of dedicated bloggers spent months trying to develop prosthetic brain matter to counter the inhibiting nature of Camille’s school-addled mind, but there was not much of a brain stem remaining to attach the prosthetic.

The breakthrough idea applies the science of physics, philosophy, chemistry, mathematics, Newton’s Law, and English 101, in an attempt to give Camille the best chance at a new life. According to Goog Googler, scientists at Blog Brain, Inc. have developed more sophisticated equations that will allow them to tailor new suits and brain matter because Camille’s thoughts could grow so vast they might take over the world, and “that’s something we need to be prepared for.”

Vacant Look in Eyes

Even though Camille will never return to her pre-collegiate self, and she will probably never be rid of that vacant look in her eyes, the groundbreaking technology will make her an “ambassador” for university-butchered students worldwide.

For now, the triumph that the young blogger can think right along with the others is enough for those at the rescue center: Googler said readers wept the first time Camille dove into her first new blog post…  “It was just such a relief to finally have something funny to read again.”

***This post is submitted in coalition with Jen from Sprite’s Keeper.  See, Jen, what happens when I’m allowed to run free with no topic?  Things get a little crazy.  For more of this week’s spins, visit here.***

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in blogger finger, It's All Good, mediocrity, my edjumacation and me, oh brother what next and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Did You Hear the One About the One-Finned Sea Turtle?

  1. You. Complete. Me. I loved this! Sprite keeps running over and asking why I’m crying and doesn’t understand when I tell her I finally found someone crazier than me! You’re linked and there is NOTHING you can’t do!

  2. HeatherPride says:

    I totally agree with Jen!! Are you in any creative writing classes next semester? Because good things are in store for you there, Camille. I feel it down to my prosthetic fin!

  3. raygon says:

    HAha! Too funny! If only there were a way to suppliment lost brain matter. After seeing what it did for you, I would be in! I agree with Heather! You should do something with creative writing!

  4. Lauren says:

    I feel sad for that turtle.

    But I feel happy that my word made your blog! “lame-spice “

  5. Jami says:

    it sounds like you are as smart as ever. Your writting is beautiful..even if you think you are going crazy.

  6. Geneva says:

    HA! I love it! Still chuckling.

  7. Bah hahahahahhaha!!!!
    I ADORE the Crazy Camille!!!!!
    C Squared.
    Hey you always said you wanted a nickname….

  8. Granmama says:

    Oh, Camille…..You need some sunshine. I can’t wait for you to get here.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Well, I don’t want to be the one to give you/advocate for the prosthetic brain. I think your brain is perfectly wonderful just how it is. You just need to be done with school for awhile. A trip home is just what you need. I can’t wait!!! 10 more days…

  10. Rachel says:

    hee hee hee. I like it when you run amuck! And its always nice to see a turtle get a happy ending. Living in Florida I see a lot of tortoises that have had unhappy encounters with trucks.

  11. anonymous says:

    haha i love this blog

  12. jay-ro says:

    Aye, the brain matter matter.
    I know it well.

  13. anna says:

    What’s funnier, a sea turtle with ONE prosthetic fin or the thought of you with a partial prosthetic brain?

  14. jethro says:

    I can’t swim, so i can’t relate to swimming in circles.

    I very much think in circles. I don’t think it’s helping.

  15. jethro says:

    I know most of you might not care for my blog, but check out my last post. There’s a pic of Camille looking forlorn and burnt out. That college thing really does seem to sapping her will to live. She’ll be better after exams are over.

  16. Pingback: Time Flies When You’re Trying to Cheer Up. | Archives of Our Lives

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