Fox in Dog’s Clothing

So this one day, I was taking a walk through the streets of Mayberry (the town where I live), minding my own business (although I may or may not have been peeking into people’s uncovered windows as I walked on the sidewalk past their houses, so I guess technically I really wasn’t minding my own business…in fact, I’d venture to say that half the time I claim to be minding my own business I am actually nosing in on other people’s…) when I started to get chased by an unidentified species of animal.

It was really strange, being chased by an animal without knowing exactly what was chasing me.  Very Alfred Hitchcock.  Eventually, I decided it was a fox.  I’ll describe the animal for you, and you can tell me if you think I was right:

Smallish; its head reached the middle of my calves; pointy ears; golden fur; long, bushy tail with white fur on the bottom; sinister, beady little eyes; and a wide, toothy grin that said to me (if foxes could speak English, that is), “I am very sly, as foxes are, and I would like to eat you for a snack.”

See?  Totally sounds like a fox.

But then, I couldn’t be sure it was a fox, because one, I grew up in Arizona, where there is an abundance of desert coyotes, but a stark shortage of foxes, and I had therefore never seen a fox in my life; and two, Mayberry is a town located in the flat prairie land of Southern Alberta, Canada, and I was pretty sure foxes were more of woodland creatures than farm pets.  So why should a fox have been chasing me?

Nevertheless, the facts were these: I was walking home after picking up my mail at the local watering hole, and a few blocks away from our house, this FOX! sneakily approached me from behind a hedge.  He was following me with that sly, greedy look on his face, and he wasn’t at a very safe distance—when I say he was following me, I mean he was right on my heels, nearly in the same square of sidewalk as me with every step I took.  He was not very shy, that fox.  When I slowed down, he slowed down, acting all, “What, lady?  You’re walking slower, thinking I’ll get bored and chase somebody else for dinner?  Okay, I’ll just meander over to this tree here and act like I’m not picturing you dead in a bloody, dismembered mess at my feet…” When I sped up, he would have a mini-heart attack, thinking I was getting away, so he’d frantically run in front of me and stop, facing me on the sidewalk, just daring me to pass him.

He was menacing.

By the time I got in front of my house, I was really worried that he wouldn’t let me through the door.  Luckily, I made a mad dash for the garage, and since I had longer legs than him, I reached it just in the nick of time.  I hurled myself over the threshold and SLAMMED! the door behind me, almost smashing the fox’s wily nose in the process, but I didn’t care.  Because you know me: blogger by day; renegade vigilante protector-of-the-neighborhood-kids by night.  All the better to smell you with, Mr. Fox…

Anyway, when Poor Kyle got home from work that day, I told him how close I had come to being the main course for a fox’s feast, and he laughed.

“No way,” he said, “there aren’t any foxes here.  That’s insane.”

Smugly, I whipped out my cell phone, with which I had furtively photographed my perpetrator during the harrowing experience, because we all know that if we don’t take pictures of events, they never really happened, and here is what I showed him for proof {and I do apologise for the poor quality of these photos, but you know, when one is being pursued by a carnivorous beast, one can’t really focus the camera phone as well as one normally might}:

FOX18Totally a fox.

FOX7Right?  It’s a fox?

FOX8That bushy tail?  That hungry grin?  Fox?

And Poor Kyle looks me dead in the eye, and says, “Camille…that is a dog.”

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in failures, fiascos, It's All Good, Married Life, mediocrity, oh brother what next. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Fox in Dog’s Clothing

  1. Jordan says:

    good times. Even if it was a fluffy little dog that was following you, that’s still scary…

  2. HAHA. (that laugh deserved caps). totally something i would do, seeing as how i’ve never really seen a fox either. and i’m not a dog person. i was scared while reading the post..

    also, thank you for bringing comments back.

  3. Believe me, Camille, if that was a fox he wouldn’t be standing around waiting for photo ops. I saw one once, a magnificent red fox, crossing through our yard in Edmonton, in the early morning hours. He didn’t have a curly tail either.

  4. Bethany says:

    haha yeah that is definitely a dog, but still a little strange how it was following you I would have been paranoid too!

  5. kristy says:

    there’s DEFINETELY foxes in alberta, I see them quite often. That is a dog though, but has the same slanted eyes as a fox.

  6. Tisha says:

    I can’t stop laughing!

  7. Rachel says:

    Might as well have been a fox! He looks hungry. You were totally justified in your fear.

  8. chelsie says:

    I am crying right now, I couldn’t even read it out loud to hannah, every second I was hyperventilating on laughter!!!

  9. Molly says:

    A COMMENT LINE! a fox, in dog’s foxlike clothing!

  10. Chloe says:

    BAHAHAHAHA! Great!! When I was reading your post, I really thought it was a fox, according to your description… And then, when I saw the picture, I thought “Huh? That’s a dog!”. I think it’s one of your best posts!! Love it!

  11. Dutch girl says:

    HAHAHA! When I read your description I already thought: could as well be a dog…

  12. Sam says:

    That was hilarious! I thought it was a fox from your description, and with that picture- I thought… no. Haha!

  13. Meagan says:

    Hi, this is your friend Mikelle’s sister. I thought I should finally let you know that I read your blog every so often and am never disappointed. This entry had me laughing the whole way through. Thank you for brightening my day through a hearty laugh.

  14. Kelly says:

    Well, at first glance he looks like a fox, but yeah that’s definitely a dog!

  15. Bert says:

    HAHA. Oh Camille. You make me laugh.. i really enjoyed reading this

  16. Afton Willis says:

    bahbahahahhaha! i loved this. i totally laughed out loud at work (interior fabrics) and kevin thought i was talking to him. funny.

  17. jeff says:

    dogs are scarier than foxes. big dogs, and smaller (foxlike) dogs, can’t compare. though i’ve heard the foxes are clever. i like that. the clever. much better than scary dogs. spooky. eeeee.

    ( i don’t like any size of dog charging or barking at me. but i’m not the one that domesticated them out a perfectly fine existence as wild/slash/free, aminals. )

  18. Anonymous says:

    You can tell PK that I think that looks like a fox, too.

  19. Maureen says:

    Ohh, he’s cute!

  20. GRANMAMA says:

    I wish you could see Hershey. She is the cutest and so fun. Preston loves her. I hope she won’t frighten you when you see her.

  21. Carmen says:

    Oh, I forgot to say how glad I am that your comments are back. I don’t comment all the time but it is nice to have the option. Another good post to make me laugh.
    Is the post office always busy when you go? Everytime we go get the mail there are 4 other people in there and with me and my two kids we just add to the the cramped space. I enjoy getting it nonetheless. and my kids love it. Good for you for walking up there. We usually do too, but I think you are farther away than us.

  22. Kelly says:

    Oh I have to tell you, my mom made the same mistake today. The dog was going nuts at the door and my mom looked out and saw what she thought was a fox. My dad came down and told her it was just a dog, foxes don’t usually wear tags! So you’re not the only one!

  23. bahahahahahahaha!!!
    this is beyond awesome!!!

  24. Whitney says:

    HA HA HA HA!! So funny. Yes I would have to agree with PK but I probably( oh who am I kidding) I would have most definitely reacted the same way as you. I would have jumped to the worst conclusion just like you. And then ZAch would have laughed in my face when I recalled the horrific stalking to him.

  25. thanks for sharing this one!

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