Happy Birthday, Canada.

Hand-drawn Canadian Flag

If you’re reading this post on Wednesday, CONGRATULATIONS!  It’s Canada Day!  (If you’re reading it a bit early on Tuesday night, go ahead and stop.  Just come back tomorrow.  Or stay.  Either way works for me.  I’m not bossy, right?  Say I’m not bossy.  SAY IT!  All RIGHT, then.)

In honour of Canada’s 142nd birthday, I would like to recognise this song (wait at least 10 seconds before you shut it off—it gets better {I’m not bossy}), because nothing gets me in the mood for a national holiday like a good, old-fashioned rap:

My favourite line:

Our national mascot’s a d@mn beaver, oh Canada, we love our beaver! He rhymed beaver with beaver, and I’m kicking myself for not thinking of it first.

I mean, how can this song not make you smile?  Plus, the horrible singing of the national anthem at the beginning and end of rap—that’s just endearing.

Also, I have a few things to say to this country that is not my own but has graciously let me marry one of its citizens…

Dear Canada,

First of all, happy birthday, you son of a gun!  One hundred forty-two—eight more years and you’ll be one fifty, and that’s when the party can really begin.

Canada Day Flag

I’d like to thank you for letting me live here, despite the fact that I’m an American by birth.  I know it’s hard for you, letting me across your border when you think I don’t respect you, but really, I do.  Respect you, that is, and I appreciate the fact that you’ve allowed me to live here so graciously.  (Although that one immigration officer in Calgary could have been a little sweeter, but he was probably just having an off day.  All’s well, eh?)  Actually, come to think of it, you haven’t really been gracious at all—I sort of get the feeling you think I’m beneath you or something.  I mean, making me jump through all these ridiculous legal hoops just so I can work here, and subsequently pay taxes to your government?  That’s just rude.  Canada, I’m an honest tax payer—I’ll pay!  I promise.

Plus, my status as an international student has caused me a lot of heartache—paying $1,000 per class, Canada?  Just to get my dadgum English degree?  Is that really necessary?

Canada Day Flag2

Ah, well, I’m sure that’s just the way things go.  It’s probably not your fault so much as it is the university’s, but if I could just become a legal resident…  Think about it, will ya, Canada?

I don’t mean to be only negative.  It’s your birthday, after all.  Oh, I know!  Thank you so much for the generous tax rebate you gave to Poor Kyle this year—we’re going to wait until your money is on par with the U.S. dollar, and pay off Tamra Camry!  What a great feeling that will be…now, if only she was still running.  Too bad your icy roads made me wreck her this winter.  She hasn’t seen the light of day since February, poor thing.

And what’s with that, anyway, Canada?  I mean, winter this year?  Were you for real?

Canadian Snow in April 2009

That was totally absurd.  It nearly made me lose my mind, going so many days driving soooooo slow down those snow-packed highways.  Even in Thor, it wasn’t any fun.  I actually yelled at you kind of a lot because of it.  Sorry ’bout that.

Spring Lawn CanadaI will admit, though, that you made up for winter with a glorious summer.  Just don’t let that snowy nonsense happen again, okay?

Another good thing about you is your willingness to pay me for recycled cans, since I can’t legally work for my money any other way.  That’s quite thoughtful, really.  I’m becoming one of those crazy bag ladies who wanders the street with a garbage sack, searching for cans (ten cents a piece!) under trees and rocks.  So thanks.

Canada Day3

Anyway, the point is, even if you are a frigid country who doesn’t like me much, I still like you.  At least, I like you enough to wish you happy birthday.  Happy birthday.

Sincerely,

Camille

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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15 Responses to Happy Birthday, Canada.

  1. Holly Decker says:

    i suck for not waiting till tomorrow… but i must say, you are indeed patriotic.
    i had no idea that Canada’s b-day was so close to the US of A’s…. neato freato.

    and um, sorry that i have been missing in action on comments… life has been, well… crazy.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Love the song! I hope people realize that you’re seriously tongue in cheek with this post. I don’t want to have to defend you to any naysayers again…

  3. Allison says:

    Cute and clever!

  4. Chloe says:

    Happy birthday, Canada! :D
    Hi Camille, I’m back!!
    I’m reading all your posts I’ve missed!! ;) See? I’m a good girl! haha!

  5. Jethro says:

    This reformed naysayer is totally getting (almost) the serious tongue in chic, and being the pigheaded dullard i am, i elect to be the first canadian commentor.
    (sorry, the ‘o’ is oldish english).

    My feelings turned on the second reading, when i noticed the wiklink. I read that last night, very informative, now that i know you read it, i get the humour.

    SO, HAPPY CANADA DAY TO YOU TOO, eh.

    (Does Kyle get the day off? I do. Woohoo!!)

  6. Jethro says:

    Oh, i hope you got it that i read the article before i read the post. I go to bed early.
    I liked the story about Windsor and Detroit having an “International Freedom Festival” from the first to the fourth. Neighbours, eh?

  7. Cristin says:

    Happy Birthday America Jr! (I know that Canadians LOVE it when we call it that.)

  8. RatalieNose says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    That is all I have to say.
    Oh and I love your red shoes!

  9. Michele says:

    That is so nice of you to wish a country that clearly is not as gracious as you a happy birthday.

  10. Kat says:

    I’d love to see you as a bag lady.

    I have a question for Canada: WTF is up with the bachelorette that you all gave us? She has a stupid phoney laugh that makes me so mad! Her stupid screetchy, lindsey lohan-esque laugh hurts my teeth.

  11. Jami says:

    On the bachelorette Canada seems like the best place in the world to live. I guess the filmed in the summer. They took this train ride though canada that was amazing.
    But I do think it is retarded that they won’t make you a citizen…doesn’t marrying a Canadian make that stuff work out?
    ALSO, you hair looks great.

  12. Jethro says:

    Wow, some of your commenters suck.
    Canada has a question for American a-holes, that by your nature you cannot answer, WTF’s your problem?
    Amazing, 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

  13. Haha. That song was awesome.

  14. Christal says:

    Happy Canada day to you too!!! It was a fun day eh! Loving the no “poo” hair it looked great on sunday so don’t mind the oldies! Thanks for you nice comment on my blog you are awesome.

  15. Maureen says:

    haha, nice. I like the song. Canada’s cool.

Comments are closed.