{I Self-Medicate With Cardboard Pizza}

When one’s husband accuses one of being addicted to one’s laptop, there is nothing to do but eat really cheap pizza.

I don’t know what it is about being in a bad mood that makes me crave crappy food, but it’s as real a symptom of my life as periods are a symptom of not being pregnant (and thank heavens). At any rate, I have a bag of 5 flavourless pepperoni pizzas that I bought at Wal-Mart Superstore™ for, like, $3.00, on hand for just such an occasion.


Ooh, individually wrapped!! Unnecessary packaging. And I call myself “green.”

So when I woke up from my Sunday nap at 9 p.m. (bad idea, taking a nap so late), and went straight to check my email, only to be told that I am addicted to the computer [an accusation which hurt, if you want to know the truth], it was in the kitchen that I sought my solace. I even put some extra shredded mozza on top of the “pizza” before baking, as if I honestly expected that to make it any better; it didn’t.

It barely even resembles food.

But that’s the joy of it, I think. Imagine: food so deliciously lousy that not even an extra inch of the world’s simplest and most delicious cheese can make it more palatable–well, to me that is comfort food at its finest. No pretenses. No putting on airs. No making me feel inadequate with fancy French words like blanché or soufflé or tartelette. And that’s what this pizza is all about–making people like me feel better about ourselves by sheer comparison.

Yes, I might be addicted to checking my email to see if anyone commented on my latest post, but at least I don’t taste like dirty socks. Perhaps it’s true that I care too much about my online life–but at least nobody bought me at Wal-Mart for $3.00 plus GST. And so what if I open my laptop every morning before I even get out of bed? Eating this sorry excuse for food makes me feel so much better about it.

Buy a bag. You won’t be sorry. Another bonus? Cardboard pizza therapy is so much cheaper than other kinds of retail therapy (i.e. shoes).

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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10 Responses to {I Self-Medicate With Cardboard Pizza}

  1. Lindsey Burnham says:

    So what if you are addicted to your laptop… who’s to say that’s a BAD thing. Gregron and I are very near to being intimate friends, and what do I think of that, I think that’s just MARVELOUS! So BE ADDICTED, EAT CHEAP PIZZA; then you can have the best of both worlds. :)

  2. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    Gross. Gross. Gross. My arteries are clogging just thinking about it. Gross. PLEASE eat something with some sort of nutritional value. (Side note: Isn’t it wonderful that we have the Internet so I can nag you from this mode of communication, too? I thought you’d be pleased…)

  3. Melissa says:

    I understand your addiction completely. I love to check my email first thing when I wake up. I keep thinking someone is going to email me. I don’t know who. About cheap pizza, I have an addiction to totinos pizza (I think that’s the name). They are only 99 cents for an entire pizza. Yep, 99 cents. I’m sure it’s full of quality ingredients.

  4. Cristin says:

    YOu think your email addiction is bad? I take forever calling people back, but will answer an email within seconds… very pathetic.

  5. Kim & Jason says:

    I can relate. Bad moods make me crave sugar – hard core. I usually justify by reminding myself that I am truly an adult now and accountable to no one for the crappy food I put into my body. So if I want ice cream for breakfast or a cookie – so be it, it makes me feel better :-) Granted, I don’t make a habit of it for fear of the scale showing me scary numbers, but it does perk me up when I’m feeling low. Jason thinks its strange that yummy food makes me so happy. SO happy in fact, that he can tell from the wiggling in my seat from sheer enjoyment :-)

  6. A Letter To Kayleen says:

    but still not as cheap as “snapping at everyone who even dares to look at me wrong” therapy. that kind of healing is free.

  7. Geneva says:

    Our first summer of marriage John and I went out to dinner every Friday night. I was under the impression that that was what married people HAD to do. Of course, looking at the cost of that marriage requirement made it very short lived. Now every Friday is frozen pizza night. I love it. Sure it is cardboard with more calories, but, hey, at least you didn’t have to spend any brainpower cooking it. And don’t feel bad about eating junk. I just downed two packages of My Little Pony fruit snacks.

  8. Anonymous says:

    yum! i don’t care if it’s fattening cardboard- that kind of pizza is DELICIOUS!!

  9. angela hardison says:

    I’ve been accused of the same thing. I probably deserve it though, because checking emails on my iphone every morning is how I wake myself up and get myself out of bed. A little pathetic.

  10. Anonymous says:

    freshly made food i love
    cardboard bad
    don’t really get pizza
    likely bout the cheese

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