I Will Survive (I hope I hope I hope)

***UPDATE: 11:21 a.m., MST. I am eating Meal #2 of my last day on Earth.  It’s delicious {I went with a wrap instead of a sub, but I’m doing my best to open my mouth as wide as humanly possible}.

Say "Ahhh."

Straw!I’ll miss straws when I’m dead.

And, just to clarify, Poor Kyle was out of town, but now he’s back.  He did not leave me to fend for myself.  He’s a good man.  That is all.***

You might recall how terrified I am to get my wisdom teeth removed.  Actually, it started out being that I was only afraid of the post-op, and the ensuing massive holes in my face (holes the perfect sized to lodge a pea—gross!).  But I’ve now officially worked up a solid dread of the entire process.  It’s going to be bad, from beginning to end.  I’m sure of it…

First off, I have to starve myself 12 hours prior to the surgery.  Starting at 7:30 p.m. tonight.  Then, my surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. Friday morning…as in…Friday the 13th.  Seven a.m. is bad enough on a normal day, but Friday the 13th?  I’m going to die.  Moreover, I am now afraid of anesthesia, because, get this:  I’m worried I’ll lose control of my faculties and pee myself while I’m laying unconscious on the operating table. Is that even possible?  If it is, it will happen to me.  But of course I don’t want a catheter, because who in their right mind wants a catheter?

I’m pretty much in hysterics all the time these days.

In an attempt to get a hold of myself, I went out and bought lots of mushy food for my recovery—apple sauce, anyone?  I’ve also decided that tomorrow, being my last day on earth, I am going to eat all the things I won’t be able to after the surgery (should I live through it, that is).  For breakfast I’m having crunchy granola and an ice cold fruit smoothie (eaten by straw).  For lunch I’m having Sun Chips™ and a 6″ tall sub sandwich (because they say I won’t be able to open my mouth more than a finger’s width after surgery), and an ice cold Diet Coke™ (via straw).  Snacks will be anything crispy I can find, and for dinner (at 7:00 p.m. [gotta make it last]), I’ll have a burger and fries.  Not because burgers and fries are contraband post-op; but if it’s my last meal on earth, I want it to be a burger and fries.  Make it a large order of fries.

The only good thing I see out of all this is that, should I make it through alive, I’ll probably lose a good five pounds simply by subsisting solely on apple sauce and mashed potatoes for a week.  And I’ll lose at least 1/16 pound in actual tooth tissue, according to this lady.  It’s not much, but I’ll take it.

Oh well.  I keep telling myself that I will survive.  I say it all the time.  In fact, I’ve said it so often, I decided to make a movie of it for you.  But then I remembered Poor Kyle has my only means of motion-picture filming, and he’s out of town, so I couldn’t do a movie.  Bummer.  Don’t worry, though:  I did a slideshow instead.  Here’s what you do:

Step 1: Push play on the embedded YouTube™ video.  Wait until the band, Cake, introduces the song.  Proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Scroll down and read the lyrics along with Cake’s song.

Step 3: Feel sorry for me.  (That’s all I really want in life, you know.)

Enjoy!

How To Survive a Wisdom Tooth (or Four) Removal
By: Me {and Cake}

First I Was Afraid/PetrifiedFirst I was afraid, I was petrified

I Could Never Live Without YouKept thinking I could never live…

I Could Never LiveWithout you by my side

Ouch.But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

I Grew StrongI grew strong—I learned how to carry on!

From Outer SpaceAnd so you’re back from outer space;
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

Should've Changed My Stupid LocksI should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me

Walk Out The DoorGo on now go walk out the door; just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore…

You Hurt Me With GoodbyeWeren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I’d crumble?
You think I’d lay down and die?

Oh No, Not I!Oh no, not I!  I will survive!
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive

I've Got All My Love to GiveI’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive!

CAST
Me…………………………………………..Me
Wisdom Tooth…Himself (image from here)

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in oh brother what next, spin cycle, what a nightmare, woe is me and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to I Will Survive (I hope I hope I hope)

  1. Bwahahaha! Love the rendition! You completely stole my Spin! Well, actually, no you didn’t since you posted yours first. Brilliant! You’re linked!

  2. Cristin says:

    Good luck. I had dry sockets. It was awful. Even worse is that they made me sign a disclaimer before I had mine removed that said I could “possibly die” while I was put under.

  3. jethro says:

    I give you my magical blessings. By the strength of youth, you will indeed survive.

    Pretty plush, 12 hours of fasting, i did 24 for the anaesthesia, old school. This would be a lovely timeline story regarding your recovery, and all the treats one can get in such abject misery.
    Hey, i had a BigMac within hours of the procedure, was too hungry to taste the blood from the sutures. Simplest surgery i’ve ever attended. Though the impending Lobotomy could be a bit of an adjustment.

  4. OHMYGOSH!!!!
    YOU ARE MY FREAKING HERO!
    I LOVE THAT SONG
    AND I ADORE YOUR PICS!!!!
    GOOD LUCK GIRL!
    LOTS OF LOVE
    (and look on the bright side, a friend of mine is getting his wisdom teeth removed over spring break)

  5. Anonymous says:

    It is not that bad. I swear. You are working yourself up way more than necessary. Good grief, Mill. It’s going to be fine! You are not going to get dry sockets. You are not going to pee yourself. And you most certainly are NOT going to die. Relax. You’re totally stressing yourself out about this, and it’s going to be a big no big deal. I was eating Outback loaded cheese fries three days after I got mine out. You’re going to be just fine!

  6. linda rae says:

    Do.NOT.suck.through.a.straw.after.surgery.

    Trust me. And I am SO sorry that I am not there to share poutine with you for your last meal.

    dangitanyway… I miss you.

  7. Camille says:

    Sprite’s Keeper– I’m sorry! I thought I was okay, since I read through the posted posts (posted posts?) and nobody had used it yet. Whoops.

    Cristin– When I had my consultation, I asked about the possibility that I might die, and the lady was like, yeah, but it’s never happened…at this location. Comforting.

    jethro– Thanks! That was, I think, my favourite comment of yours, ever! For some reason, the mention of a Lobotomy just really resonates with me. Thanks for the laugh! : )

    EverybodyNose– WHAT???? I’m YOUR hero??? You’re MY hero!!!!!! What are the odds? : ) Thanks. It wouldn’t be shirt boy, by any chance, would it?

    Anonymous my sister– For once in our lives, I am freaking out more than you. What about the BLOODY RAGS that will be in my mouth, that I’ll have to look at every time they need changing? What about the BLOOD, sister? The BLOOD! There, NOW are you freaking out?

    lindarae– I’m sorry, too. I bet you’d feel so sorry for me that you’d even pay. That will teach you to buy a winter home and abandon your DIL for all your fellow snowbirds. In fact, I miss you, too! I was wondering what would happen if Kyle didn’t make it back in time to take me to the surgery, and I honestly don’t have anyone else in this country who loves me enough to wake up at 6:30, drive me to the city, wait for an hour, drive me back home, and watch that I don’t die for the rest of the day. So thanks a lot. You’re my only backup, and you’re gone. : )

  8. OMG! Your post is perfect timing for me. I’m having my wisdom teeth removed on Tuesday. Wish we lived closer so we could wallow in each others misery!

    Everything will be fine…I just know it. Enjoy the applesauce and save some for me!

  9. Me says:

    It really isn’t as bad as you may think. Once they put you to sleep, you won’t remember anything- you’ll wake up the next minute and be done! Poor Kyle better be back by tomorrow- they won’t let you drive yourself home. Like the others said- DO NOT DRINK FROM A STRAW AFTER SURGERY (until you heal, that is). I enjoyed the song. About the peeing, to put you at ease, just wear a pair of Depends!

  10. Katie says:

    I think I just peed my pants. And I can’t blame the anesthesia.

    God speed, my friend.

  11. HeatherPride says:

    Camille, are you having a nervous breakdown? Do you need me to come up there and slap you? Just let me know. I’d at least share a burger with ya.

  12. Camille says:

    Nothing Fancy– I’ll still wallow with you, even if you don’t live close to me. BUT…you have to survive first.

    Me– Why didn’t I think of depends?? Thanks!

    Katie– I’m sorry; I hate when that happens. Thanks.

    HeatherPride– A slap in the face probably couldn’t help, but if we’re gonna have burgers, I want my own—I don’t share. Oh, you just meant “share an afternoon together whilst eating burgers?” Oops. Sorry. I tend to get territorial when I think it’s my last day on earth…

  13. Geneva says:

    So hilarious! I love Cake so it made it even better. And just keep thinking best case scenario. I was back to eating real food in two days. And Poor Kyle is out of town? Who is going to take care of you?

  14. Anonymous says:

    The blood really isn’t that bad, Mill. Truly. And you know that’s saying a lot coming from me…

  15. Holly Decker says:

    so flippin funny. i needed that.
    perhaps i shall copy you when it comes time for birth, eh?
    anyways, thanks for the laugh. you will survive!

  16. jacque says:

    eek! i’m scared to get my wisdom teeth out too. maybe after seeing how you survive it i will be brave enough to do it as well…

  17. Kimberly says:

    Hilarious post! I loved the music video/slideshow. I think the fear leading up to the whole ordeal is worse than anything else. The blood is nasty, but the pain wasn’t too bad. However, I only did one tooth and not all four. Sleep lots and have a good book picked out or a great couple of movies :-)

  18. raygon says:

    Best of luck to you! I will be thinking of you. Atleast you will get to catch up on a lot of sleep huh?

  19. Whitney says:

    Okay first, you crack me up. Second, they lied to you about not being able to open your mouth more than a finger for a week. Not true, its just not true. You will probably eat applesauce and mashed potatoes for maybe 2 days and then you will be feeling great because you will be on the “good” stuff. Other foods to keep in mind: scrambled eggs, sliced peaches, oatmeal, protein shakes( via spoon). All of these foods are soft and are easy to eat. Promise. Good luck tomorrow. Get the anesthesia. You will not pee yourself. If I didnt you wont either.

  20. Whitney says:

    P.s- PK left you to do this all by yourself!? WTF!

  21. Lindsay says:

    i think your last day of food choices sound wonderful!!!! possibly even worth the dread of wisdom teeth removal. You will be okay camille, i will pray for you.
    And when i got mine out, i was so scared that i’d get food stuck in the gaping holes, and i never did. I think they just tell you every single little possibility to kinda freak you out so you follow all their rules to a tee – like with braces….”no gum, no sticky foods” yeah right.

  22. DeAnna says:

    Having been put under twice myself, make sure you ask to pee right before you go to the OR. I’ve never heard of anyone peeing themselves while “under”, if that helps at all. Good luck!!

  23. Camille says:

    Geneva– Best case scenario, my wisdom teeth magically disappear as I sleep tonight.

    Anonymous my sister– Okay, I’ll try. Thanks.

    Holly Decker– You’re welcome to copy me any time you want. I’d be flattered.

    jacque– Yeah, it might be inspiring, unless I DIE.

    Kimberly– Good advice. I’ll try to stop freaking out (but don’t hold your breath).

    raygon– Oh, and you better believe I will SLEEP sleep sleep.

    Whitney– Thanks for the advice. I know I’m a baby, but…I can’t help it. And no, PK did not abandon me. He’s back.

    lindsay– Trust me, though: I intend to follow ALL the rules. I’m glad you never got food stuck in there.

    DeAnna– They’ll probably laugh at me, but I don’t care. I’ll do it. Thanks for the advice.

  24. Rachel says:

    That was hilarious. Of course that song is now stuck in my head, but at least its the version I like. Oh, and they put me out when I got mine removed and I didn’t pee on myself, and you won’t either. I had also worked myself up into a frenzy of impending doom (although I was not, sadly, inspired into such heights of creativity), and when I was done I was like “was that it?” Good luck!

  25. Niki says:

    I haven’t blogged in days, and man… I’ve missed out on a lot!

    Good luck to you and you’re wisdom teeth. I think you’ll be alright, only because of those pictures put to song. That oughtta bring you some luck! Boy, was that a treat!

    My question for you is, who is your all time favorite blogger and why??

    Looking forward to hearing back from you after you survive.

    I wish I could bring you something soft and delicious.

  26. Joanie says:

    Great spin!
    Keep ice on your face for the first day and maybe, just maybe you won’t get chipmonk cheeks! Good luck! You’ll be fine!

  27. Laufa says:

    Good luck with everything. Pudding, ice cream (sherbert), baked fruit – apples, peaches, berries, etc. Feel better soon and can’t wait to hear that you survived!

  28. Shangrila says:

    LOL-“your slideshow ” is great! I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed years ago and I didn’t pee or die or anything. Hang in there, and I’ll send healing thoughts your way!

  29. anna says:

    Apparently you are extra funny when you’re nervous. :)

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  31. EverybodyNose says:

    No it’s not Shirt Boy.
    It’s The Boy.
    Lots of stories about him…..

  32. colepack says:

    bwaaaahhaaahaaa!
    That is ariot. love the song. I HATE THE DENTIST!

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