I Would Be Such a Bad Bulimic

Whenever I feel like there’s the slightest possibility I might throw up, I start to shake.  My pulse races, I perspire profusely, and try to talk myself out of it with happy thoughts…

“No, Camille, you aren’t sick.  You aren’t sick.  It’s all in your head.  You aren’t going to throw up.  You can do it.  Just be strong.  Come on, self!”

And you know what?  It usually works.  I would rather have an upset stomach all day—as long as I’m in bed—than throw up even once.

Throwing up takes a real toll on my emotional well-being.

When I was a little girl and I’d have to throw up, I would camp out in the bathroom by the toilet [because the only thing worse than throwing up is not making it on time, and then someone having to clean it up] until it came.  I never would gag myself…just wait.  Sometimes it took hours, and during that time, I’d gone over every way I could avoid feeling like that in the future:

1.  Never eat meat cooked in barbeque sauce—pork, chicken, beef…  It’s a very bad idea.

2.  Never wash down a bowl of milk and cereal with a glass of orange juice—something about the dairy and acidic o.j. is bad for me [I’m convinced of it even to this day].

3.  Never eat spinach souffle.  Ever. Even if my mother threatens groundation.  [We were raised to eat what we were given.  Picky-ness was against the rules, and as a result, my sister and I will basically eat anything, at least once.  One day when I was little I wasn’t feeling well and we were having dadgum spinach souffle for dinner, and my mom was excited to be broadening our eating horizons, but I didn’t have a good feeling about it, and begged not to have to eat it…shortly after dinner, it all came up, and I’ve never had to eat it again.]

Image from Wiki.

4.  Chew my ramen noodles. Because on the off chance that they’ll make me ill, I really don’t want to see them coming up whole again.

5.  Never get pregnant.

Those were my rules, and I’ve followed them to a “T” my entire life.  I’m not one for self-discipline, so this is really quite monumental {or just plain mental…who knows?}.

Image from here.

If, however, my positive thinking couldn’t get me out of the fact I was going to throw up, I would get really worked up about it.  I can’t vomit quietly—I don’t know how—and so the entire house would be awake while I was paying my alms to the porcelain gods.  Even as a teenager, my mom would always come sit with me—just in case I passed out, she reasoned—which was embarrassing but comforting nonetheless [in fact, another reason I’m terrified to get pregnant is because I’m not convinced Poor Kyle will be nearly as supportive as my mother would be.  He’d probably let me puke in lone misery, and not hold my hair back at all].  Since I had the company, in between pukes, I would lament:

“I’m never getting pregnant!  I hate this!  I hate FEELING like this!  I don’t know how anybody could knowingly get themselves into something like this!  It’s the worst feeling I could imagine!  I HATE it.  And I could never be bulimic, either.  They’re idiots, all of them.  I hate the world!  [Interruption for puke] I hate this.”

Me back then: Camille.  Kid hating, life loathing, nilly-willy teen.  Like, totally. Whatever.  Photo circa 1999.

I know I make myself sound like a prima donna, but let me say that even as a teen, I tried not to use the word “hate” too frequently.  Throwing up, however, is something to which I am passionately opposed.

Fast forward a few years:  I was quite ill yesterday.  The same shaky, sweaty, positive-thinking ill I’ve been talking about today.  I was sitting in the chapel with my fingers on the keyboards of the organ, and I honestly considered trying to find someone to cover for me.  It seemed much less embarrassing than spewing up-chuck all over the organ console and then finding a replacement.  I decided to stick it out, but not after running my mouth off to several people who came to say good morning.  I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well.

A girl my age, in my religion and culture, mentioning she’s not feeling well on any particular morning…well…it sort of looks suspiciously…pregnant.

So I would like to publicly announce that yes, I am ill.  Yes, I hate throwing up.  And no, I am not expecting anything in nine months except a lovely birthday present from Poor Kyle, and perhaps a schwackload of homework.

How was your weekend?  Did you set off any false alarms?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in fiascos, oh brother what next, self-actualisation, this little girl, what a nightmare, woe is me. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to I Would Be Such a Bad Bulimic

  1. Holly Decker says:

    ha!
    you are so funny my dear.
    i truly hope that you feel better :)
    and i truly hope that one day when you DO decide to be pregnant that you have NO morning sickness whatsoever. i wouldn’t wish it upon even my worst enemy (well, that’s not true- i would actually love to see my enemies face such a horrific event).
    but just for the record i, too have barfed up ramen noodles whole- but that wasnt my favorite. my favorites include the following (all during my morning sickness era)
    1. pickles- when you throw them up, they look like relish. seriously. just can ’em up and save ’em for food storage! YUCK!
    2. vomiting via my NOSE. i had my mouth open, but NO- it just wanted to escape via nose instead! it was so PAINFUL!

    and just for another straight record, i too, in order to lose weight would probably opt for ANY other option before vomiting on purpose. i seriously had no idea that’s how you spell bulimic. thanks for educating me!

    ps. yes, got the dino footy one-sies at target… good luck- i hope you take pictures! :)

  2. I’ve been sick for like a month (I’ve got an eternal cold or something… yes I need to go to the doctor). I can’t even count how many people have asked if I’m pregnant, or have TOLD me that I’m pregnant. It’s like….really??

    So annoying.

    Feel better!

  3. Lindsay says:

    yeah, apparently you dont even have to feel sick anymore, you just have to be clutsy. after my post about being particularly spazy one day, i got 5 texts and 6 comments telling me that i was pregnant. what the?!

  4. DeAnna says:

    I just love reading your blogs! I remember when we first got married, every time I ran into anyone from Mayberry the first & second questions were always, Are you guys pregnant yet? Followed by when are you guys going to get pregnant? Freak it drove me insane. And that wasn’t even when I got sick!! After the first few times of being sick and getting the whole, oh you must be pregnant line, I just stopped telling people when I was sick or just feeling icky. I am a strong advocate of get married and wait a bit before having kids so you have more of that hubby & wife time. Our third anniversary was right after our son was born. Good luck on the avoiding puking!! I find non-drowsy Gravol works for me, especially when I have things that need doing while I am feeling ill.

  5. anonymous says:

    One day in the future when you do get pregnant and you decide to break it to the world in this blog I’m just gonna……… scream.

  6. mikelle says:

    I throw way, way too easily. I should have kept track when I was pregnant with Hallie. I think it would be close to a 100. I find it seriously annoying when people assume you are pregnant. Can’t a girl just be sick and tired sometimes? Hope you feel better!

  7. HeatherPride says:

    Poor Kyle? This time it’s Poor Camille!! I hope you are feeling better! The only false alarm I had this weekend was the one that got my dream self out of bed and to work while my real self was dreaming about getting out of bed and off to work. I know, it doesn’t really make that much sense to me, either.

  8. Kimberly says:

    OH girl, sometimes I think we are kindred-spirits. There is nothing, absolutely nothing worse to me either, than puking. I will hold it down come hell or high water. And everyone always tells me, you’ll feel so much better if you just get it over with. Nope, not gonna happen. I have the same fear, I want babies, but I’m praying to God I don’t get sick like some women do. I just don’t think I would get off the bathroom floor for the remainder of a pregnancy.

    And oh my little two cents…I had mentioned at our office breakfast that I was craving fruit. The next thing I know, my office manager is asking if we need to have a talk. Note to self, NEVER say the word crave :-)

  9. Camille says:

    Holly Decker– Out your NOSE??? Oh. Gross. I’m so sorry for you. And thanks for the sympathy. That’s all I ever want, really.

    Angela Hardison– I hope you feel better, too. May we both be healthy by Christmas!

    Lindsay– It’s really ridiculous, isn’t it? I’m clumsy and sick, so I guess it must be twins…

    DeAnna– It’s a phenomenon that’s taking over the world. It’s not just Mayberry—it’s EVERYONE! Ugh. And it’s ridiculous.

    Anonymous– And when that day comes, my friend, you’ll be the first to know.

    Mikelle– If I ever become pregnant, I will fight it to the bitter end (the morning sickness, that is. not the child). I’m just not ready to spend that much time heaving over a toilet every day.

    HeatherPride– Ha! Sympathy! That’s the whole point of this post…at last, it’s Poor Camille instead of poor, poor Poor Kyle. Sweet victory.

    Kimberly– I think we are kindred spirits too. There’s nothing wrong with hating the taste of food coming up the wrong way. Crave all the fruit you want—it’s good for the soul!

  10. NoseLess-inMesa says:

    Well the other day I was asked how many kids I have and when my next one is due. I’m fifteen years old. Yeah. I feel your pain.

  11. raygon says:

    You crack me up. I thought you were breaking some kind of news….

    Feel better soon!

  12. anon10 says:

    Okay… I too share the hatred of the repulsive act of throwing up as well. I despise being sick. Something about the “acidy” thick puke is not appealing. I feel your pain.

  13. anonymous says:

    hm. i beg to differ. i quite enjoy throwing up. only when i’m sick, of course. it makes me feel clean, like the icky is out of my body, and i’m not sick anymore. oh well. sorry you don’t like it. so did you end up throwing up or did you get out of it?

  14. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    That dang spinach soufflé! It got us both!!! Don’t you remember how we BOTH threw up that day? Oh, it was awful. I feel the exact same way as you do about throwing up. I was feeling bad this weekend, too, and I knew I needed to throw up, but I just kept holding it and holding it. Clint, on the other hand, loves to throw up. He thinks it’s silly to feel miserable forever when all you have to do is throw up. He has a good point, but I’m still not willing to up chuck if I don’t have to. And by the way, I think I only threw up once during my pregnancy, and that was because I took my prenatal vitamins without any food.

  15. Geneva says:

    See I would be an exceptionally good bulimic if I wasn’t obsessed with my teeth. I can make my body throw up anytime. I just say, “alright self, let’s go” and boom. I REALLY hate nausea worse than throwing up because it lasts forever and you don’t know when you’ll get caught unawares. Much better to do it on my own terms.

    I hope you feel better though!

  16. Okay, I get that all the time too! Everyone always thinks I am pregnant! But holy smokes, I cannot believe Holly threw up out her nose. That is so gross. Hahaha.

  17. Camille says:

    NoseLess-in Mesa— Ouch. Yeah, that’s worse. Please don’t get pregnant.

    raygon— Ha! Sorry to disappoint you. No, no news.

    anon10— Sympathy! Yes! Thanks.

    anonymous— Hey, whatever floats your boat, buddy. No, I didn’t vomit. I talked myself out of it and felt lousy all day, but at least I didn’t puke.

    anonymous my sister— Is that how the story ended? I must’ve forgotten that. All I remember is Mom saying, “Well, I guess if they say they don’t want spinach souffle, we oughtta listen to ’em.” Ha. Spinach souffle. I thought you had lots of nausea to deal with during your pregnancy?

    Geneva— I hate brushing, you love your teeth. I hate puking, you’re a master of it. You make it really hard to write nice things in a post about you; I’ve never been good at dealing with perfect people!!! Cut it out, would ya?

    Emily Merkley— It’s just part of the young married Mormon girl territory, I suppose. Just one of those things.

  18. Cristin says:

    I also think that not throwing up is a mental battle. If I sit by the toilet, however, it means that I have given up. One look at the inside of a toilet bowl, when I am nauseated, makes me want to vomit.

    Those 5 years before we had Luke, I never wanted to tell anyone I was sick, because they always assumed I was pregnant. It irritated me to no end.

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  20. I have always been impressed with these people who can just “make themselves” not throw up. I have no such skill. On top of that, I only have about a 10 second warning clock. If ignored, I will puke all over myself. This is true in all cases and settings. Luckily in a full on run with a clear path, I can usually reach a toilet in time, though some awful settings of misfortune have been:

    Age 10: Just outside of the stage at Carson JR High, before my very first Orchestra concert. anxiety + heat exhaustion = extremely embarassing puking in front of my peers :)

    Age 19: Inside A movie theatre, Though almost entirely all over myself, and my purse. The seats and floors were spared. (this did not take place while I was pregnant but when I was single, after my very first day of working at Americopy) For me Stress + untimely meals= uncontrollable vomit for the remainder of the day.

    Bad foods I have to avoid especially if I am pregnant:

    all Taco Bell

    Green Salad- the stomach acids do not break these down, and it looks exactly the same coming out, getting caught in your throat on the way up.

    Theater Popcorn- probably enough said on that one.

    And a note to Holly: To avoid vomit through the nose, make sure that your head is not angled downward. Gravity causes it to go up your nose if your nose is facing in a downward position.

    (I puked for 9 mos straight when pregnant with Scarlett, making myself somewhat of an expert)

    sorry for the long comment, and probably boring and will never be read by anyone else but you… which is okay with me.

  21. Thais says:

    Dude!!

    People at school so thought I was prego when I dragged my butt into class each morning with a sprite and crackers. Oh the rumors!!!w

    I also had another person ask me if I was expecting bc I was rubbing my belly after I ate. I was FULL!!!

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