If It’s REALLY What’s On the Inside that Counts, I Guess I’m Doomed.

I think I’m going through a premature menopause.

Think about it: I already have granny arms. I’m saggy in places that 22 year-old girls should normally be perky.  I’ve got an odd smell about me (I skipped the shower today—I was too hot to bear it).  It’s so obvious.  Menopause.

The menopause is starting to affect my marriage.  Poor Kyle couldn’t get me out of the house quick enough when I was planning my departure for Arizona last week.  I had the choice of flying out on either Thursday or Friday (I was flying standby and there were five times more seats available Friday than Thursday), and when I asked Poor Kyle what he thought, he said, “Oh, you should leave Thursday.  Definitely.”

“Even though there’s only going to be three seats available for me?” I asked, stalling with the hope that he’d come up with something sweet to say, like, oh, I dunno…MAYBE YOU SHOULD WAIT ONE MORE DAY SO I WON’T HAVE TO MISS YOU AS MUCH, MY SWEET WIFE?

Instead he said, “Yeah.  Thursday.  For sure.  Where’s your suitcase?  I’ll help you pack.”

I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure that when I paused in the airport entry to wave a final somber goodbye to my husband, I caught a glimpse of him punching his fist in the air with glee.  He was thrilled to be rid of me.

I don’t blame him, really—I am going through premature menopause, after all, and I’m not that fun to be around these days.  I would want me to leave Thursday, too, if I were Poor Kyle.  See, lately I seem to get annoyed by the smallest of disturbances (translation: I’ve become a grouchy old broad thirty years before my time) and blow them way out of proportion.  Seriously.

Exhibit One: Trying to deposit a cheque from a Canadian bank into my American chequing account proved to be much more tiresome than I had planned.  Instead of taking it in stride like a young, vivacious girl ought to, I grumbled and growled and clacked my dentures at the poor bank teller who thought he’d entered some sort of geriactric twilight zone where all the crazy old hags look deceivingly like college co-eds.

Exhibit Two: Facebook has really gotten on my nerves lately (oh, my poor nerves!).  If I have to read one more Obama quiz marked “STRONGLY DISAPPROVE I HATE THE MAN’S VERY EXISTENCE AND EVERYTHING IS ALL HIS FAULT,” I will probably delete my account.  Not to be dramatic, or anything.  But yes, to be dramatic.

Exhibit Three: I’ve been replying to emails all day, but the Mail program is having difficulties sending them.  As it stands, there are twenty messages in my outbox that keep trying to send themselves every few minutes, but to no avail.  This is just the sort of thing Poor Kyle could fix for me if he knew I was having a problem, but he does not.  It makes me hopping mad.  Some people might simply delete the unsent messages and call it a loss, but I hate to go to so much work responding to comments just to have them lost in cyberspace.  So if you randomly receive an email next week (after I sort out my email issues) in response to a comment you made on yesterday’s post, please forgive me my trespasses.  I am but a lone girl drowning in a sea of technological advancement; all the lifeboats are full of first-class passengers, and I don’t have a penny to my name.

Exhibit Four: I just bawled through My Sister’s Keeper next to my (also bawling) dear friend in an empty movie theatre.  Who even does that?  It’s the menopause hormones; I’m sure of it.  After the film ended, I talked to my own sister on the phone and told her I loved her.  I always tell her I love her, but I don’t usually call to tell her that and only that.  She asked me if I was getting ready to commit suicide or something.  Nope, just covering my bases.

Exhibit Five: Today, while trying on clothes in the fitting room at my local JC Penny (menopause), I started sweating profusely.  I had to sit down on the little corner bench in the fitting room and fan myself with a crumpled up tissue I dug out from the bottom of my purse.  As sure as I’m typing this blog post right now, I was having a hot flash.  A hot flash. I, who wear closed-toe shoes to movie theatres and restaurants because I’m always so cold in public places, had my first hot flash!

Exhibit Six: I’ve been feeling a bit gassy.  A sure-fire indication of menopause, no?

This is all very disturbing to me, to be experiencing symptoms of menopause at such a young age.  But, as per my new take-charge attitude of “Get Over It,” (i.e. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em), I’m attempting to fight my way through the darkness.  Do any of my more life-experienced readers have suggestions for me to deal with these unexpected changes?

I would just Google™ it, but I seem to have misplaced my trifocal reading glasses, and you know I’m lost without them.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in change, health and vitality, I hate change, It's All Good, oh brother what next, woe is me and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to If It’s REALLY What’s On the Inside that Counts, I Guess I’m Doomed.

  1. Rachel says:

    Are you pregnant?!

  2. Jenn says:

    Dare I say it? Perhaps you are pregnant. Just the opposite of menopause, but probably some similar symptoms!

  3. DeeMarie says:

    From one pre-menopausal to another… wait until you get night sweats. Good times.
    I have hot flashes and moodiness too. I’m a bit older than you, but not enough to justify “the change!!”

  4. Jethro says:

    There’s anti-Obama quizzes on fakebook? Weird.
    I haven’t seen any, but all my friends are Canadian. Canada hearts Obama. Once you guys are SOCIALISTS, we can all be buds again.
    Just teasing.

  5. Jethro says:

    (Well, one of my friends is a Canadian in-waiting).

  6. Carmen says:

    Ha, your hilarious!

  7. lindsay says:

    hahaha, this is my favorite post in a long time….i cant stop laughing. and i read the whole thing thinking to myself “check…check…double-check…”
    which makes me kind of nervous. Especially when i reach your comments and the first few suggest it could be caused by pregnancy -that didnt even cross my mind! Mostly because i know there isnt a shred of possibility of that for myself.
    I like your conclusion much better. It must be some sort of mid-life-menopause phase.

  8. DeAnna says:

    Seriously I read that and said to myself, is she prego? So first suggestion, pregnancy test. Second, keep the Get Over It Attitude, but add in some positivity..that should solve the hagish behaviour & maybe the scaring your sister into thinking your suicidal when you say I love you. As for the hot flashes, maybe your body is finally adjusted to Canadian temperatures so being in Arizona is actually hot to you. Great post!

  9. Cyndi says:

    Thank you for the laughs – I AM menopausal, and it pretty much sucks before 50, I’ll just say that. I also vote for a preggers check, as long as you’re not taking any meds like Lupron. I’ve missed reading you and am so glad to have the time again…gassy or not ;-)

  10. Bethany says:

    Maybe you are pregnant! That would explain everything at such a young age!

  11. Anonymous says:

    Since I know you aren’t pregnant, let’s just chalk it up to AZ freaking heat. I swear I’m going to melt away sometime soon. Damn, it’s so hot!!! (And not with two t’s.)

  12. Holly Decker says:

    OH DARLING! i am sincerely sorry that life is rough as of late. and i do not delight in your sorrows, but i must say that i too get annoyed with everyone flinging their political opinions around via quizes… its annoying. and if it makes you feel any better… this pregnancy is taking its toll on me… i cried during BEAUTY AND THE BEAST yesterday. LAME. at least yours was a grown up movie about grown up issues.

  13. jami says:

    I think you should take saint johns wart. It will change your life

  14. Christal says:

    Sorry about your uncle firstly! Secondly menopause I feel like that some days too then I remember its probably a bad case of PMS!!!!!!! As for flabby arms as if —-mine are probably 400 times !! Oh well probably the heat have fun and see ya soon thanks again for the cutest little shoes ever can’t wait for his little feet to grow!!

  15. hi Camille,
    Premature menopause (premature ovarian failure/POF) does happen in about 1% of the female reproductive population. It’s characterized by irregular periods, lack of periods, hot flashes, vaginal dryness. Unfortunately, POF can lead to osteoporosis and often there’s an associated autoimmune disorder.
    If you really think you’re having a problem, go to your doc and find out! You need to explain your symptoms and have blood work done. At a minimum of an FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). If you’re still having your period it should be done on day 3 of your menstrual cycle and then another one a month later.
    Because of your age, your doc is first going to say “you must be pregnant.” It won’t be unusual for your doc to also attribute problems to stress.
    See pofsupport.org FAQs for a list of testing and questions you should ask your doc.
    Catherine Corp

  16. RatalieNose says:

    I balled through MSK too!!!!

  17. Chloe says:

    Hahaha! great post!!
    I love it!! …your “trifocal reading glasses”! BAHAHA! you made me laugh!
    I don’t think you’re pregnant! Sometimes I suffer the same “symptoms” as you, and I’m not pregnant. But here it’s hot! and I have bad days, and I’m stressed…
    (p.s.: I’m sorry for your uncle!!!)

  18. niki says:

    haha. i quite enjoyed this post. sounds like me…but surely its menopause for you and pregnancy for me. (Let us hope!)

  19. I cried during the PREVIEW of My Sister’s Keeper… If that makes you feel any better.

  20. Pingback: Archives of Our Lives » Crowning Glory

  21. anna says:

    Get over it.

    Ha ha… :)

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