If This is Life, I’m Off to a Real Bad Start

Some of you might be aware of the fact that I live my life, overwhelmingly, through guilt.

I eat what I eat (or don’t eat what I don’t eat) because of the guilt I know will invariably come when I’ve made a poor eating decision.

I write thank you notes because it eats away at me if I don’t (which doesn’t explain why I still haven’t written my 500+ thank you notes for the wedding gifts we received over two years ago, but I digress).

I shower because I know I will feel guilty if everyone I see during the day has to suffer for my hygiene malfunctions.

I exercise (occasionally) because the guilt has niggled at me for so long that it can no longer be ignored.

I apologise for lashing out at people because I live in fear that they will suddenly die and my harsh words will be the last thing they remember, and I just can’t live with that kind of guilt.

I can only imagine what this guilt is going to do to my life as a mother. I have read post after mommy-blogging post of mothers whose child-rearing guilt is threatening to drown them at any given moment; who are so overwhelmingly riddled with insecurities about their deficiencies as mothers that they can hardly bear to wake up in the morning; who, more often than not, can’t even enjoy the good experiences they do have for fear that a meltdown moment is just around the corner, waiting to ruin everything.

These kinds of mothers make me feel so sad—sad for them, because I know, and they know, that it’s no way to live—and sad for myself, because I have a feeling that, given my relationship history with guilt, I will be a mother like that.

To be quite honest, I already am a mother like that. Of course, I don’t have children, so I am not a mother like that; I’m a pre-mother like that.

Over the past few months, I have been almost constantly harassed about having children, whether by ill-meaning semi-strangers, close friends and family, or just my own mental workings. It seems that, at least once a day, I find myself pondering motherhood and all that it entails.

No, this is not an announcement, unless that announcement is to say “Stop waiting for announcements because none of this has gotten me anywhere.”

The point of the story, inasmuch as what I’m getting at can actually be considered a point, is this:

I do not, as of yet, have any positive inclinations toward childbearing or child rearing whatsoever. And I live in fear that I will never reach the point in my life where I wake up and fall asleep to the thoughts of longing for a child; that I will never feel that burning, make-me-crazy-with-emotion desire to have a child or children of my own; that I will never actually want to have children, and therefore never will have children.

And that fear is not the fear that I will miss out on something amazing, because that would imply that I think children are amazing and motherhood is amazing, and if that were the case, I would hop on that bandwagon right now, or when Poor Kyle comes home from work (imagine his great surprise and delight, coming home from work to that). No…it’s the fear that there is a flaw in my genetic coding, the part that most women seem to have, the part we generally know (much to my distress, because I abhor the phrase) as being “Baby Hungry.” I’m not Baby Hungry—I’m Baby Fed. Fed, fat, and happy.  I do like babies, other people’s babies, when I can hold and jostle and cuddle them and give them back after an hour; but I’m not “hungry” for babies of my own.

I live in fear that I don’t have that gene, or worse, that I don’t even have the potential to develop that gene, and I will eventually just be guilted into having children because my husband wants them or the world tells me it’s time, but that I will never feel that itch to have them for myself, AND THAT’S NO WAY TO LIVE A LIFE, EITHER.

See, I firmly, FIRMLY believe that children should be anticipated, desired, and loved even before conception. It seems to me one of the most basic human rights, to be born by people who want you to be alive, and I am committed to waiting to have children until I feel that for myself, because how could I live with my old friend Guilt if I did it any other way?

I couldn’t.

But then there’s this Other Guilt, one that whispers into my know-it-all ear, saying, “But someday you will want children, and your attitude now will come back to punish you later, and you’ll probably be barren by then (if you aren’t already), and you will be very sorry that you ever thought you didn’t want to have children, so chew on that, and live with it.”

And that’s no way to live, either.

Anyway, the point that I said I was going to get at but failed to actually reach is this:

How can I ever be a mother? I know for sure that now is not a good time for me to start that journey—I know for sure I want to graduate from college first, and that’s nearly two years away. But when the time finally does come that it starts to get ridiculous that I haven’t had children yet, how will I know if I am having them because I want to have them; or having them because I feel guilty about all the poor kids who are born to crazy crack-head moms, when I could be perfectly capable of raising a few fairly healthy children myself; or feeling guilty that Poor Kyle saddled himself with a wife whose screwed up maternal instincts are forever depriving him of the children he would love to raise, and living in fear that one day he’ll realise his terrible mistake, only it’ll be too late for him to divorce me and find someone who could better fulfill his fatherly potential, so instead he’ll build up and harbor boatloads of resentment toward me, AND THAT’S NO WAY TO LIVE, EITHER; and oh, the guilt.

How many lives am I ruining by not wanting to be a mother?

How many lives would I be ruining by choosing motherhood for the wrong reasons?

I know myself—I know me, and I know that if I have children before I really feel that motherly need to have children, I will probably end up in a straitjacket in an emergency room with bloodshot eyes and black charcoal paste crustifying in streaks down my chin, which, yes, would make for a really powerful blog post, but again with ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in failures, in all seriousness, introspection, Married Life, Poor Kyle. Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to If This is Life, I’m Off to a Real Bad Start

  1. chelsie says:

    My dear friend. . . I know this guilt you speak of. I have it too.

    As I read this, I thought of addison. She has worse guilt than you. (yes this is addison from greys anatomy). She was pregnant three times in her life and had them terminated because she wasn’t ready. Then, when she was ready she couldn’t get pregnant. She even ran over to her best doctor friend who so happens to be a baby making specialist and she couldn’t even help.

    So think of it this way, if you wait till you are barren, at least you haven’t had three abortions. . .

  2. GRANMAMA says:

    Am I the cause of this???????????????????????????????

  3. jamie says:

    Boy, Camille, I think you’ve expressed honestly what a lot of women, myself included, think and feel concerning both guilt and motherhood. I recognized the do-I-actually-want-a-baby conundrum in November 2008 and have been thinking about it ever since. For what it’s worth, here is what I think I have discovered:

    –I always thought that I had to be like my mom to be a mom. I do NOT want to be like my mom, therefore I didn’t want to be a mom. But I can be any type of mother I damn well please, because there is no one way to parent correctly except to teach good principles, and that can be done in loads of different ways. I don’t have to be my mom or anybody else’s mom. First sigh of relief from unnecessary guilt.

    –Second, the point of this life is to have joy. Instead of being a slave to the baby or child, I can have fun with him or her. Who says that I have to clean the house and vacuum the drapes before I sit down and laugh at the weird things children do? My mother might, but she is ultimately unhappy and guilt-ridden, so I choose to have fun before I do housewively things. Joy first. Furthermore, it has been my observation these past months that children can actually bring joy and not ultimate misery and horror stories like I have heard all my life. Sigh of relief number two.

    –Third, I have been honestly and angrily afraid of being pregnant and giving birth. How is it fair that women are cursed with pain in order to have children? And if they don’t want pain, they can elect instead to have multiple needles thrust in them to deaden any sensation and possibly cause other problems like a spinal tap headache and emergency c-sections. For someone who hates needles and feels like women often get the raw end of the deal in life, I was stuck on this for awhile. I randomly ordered “Childbirth without Fear” by Grantly Dick-Read from Amazon and was impressed by 1) his ability to express himself in a very intelligent manner and 2) to debunk a million bajillion birth myths that I have grown up with, including that first one I mentioned. Major sigh of relief number three.

    –Fourth, I absolutely agree that you should only have children when YOU (not your husband, not your grandmother (no offense, granmama), not your bishop, not the naggy woman from church–you) are ready to have a child. I don’t agree that you have to LOVE the child before he or she is born–how could you? You haven’t met it. You haven’t played with it. Many women might have this really natural feeling of love for children that makes them crave babies, but at least you and I (and I suspect, many silent or faking others) can’t fabricate this mystical sense of love for something that you don’t know. So finish college! Work for awhile! Enjoy your life! Relax! And once in a while, pick up a book and learn more about children. It took me almost a full year of active (but not obsessive!) thinking and studying various books and asking questions of my friends (like “what do you like best about having children?”) to resolve my concerns. Then I consciously chose when I was ready (I’m still pregnant). I chose–used my God-given right to say when I was prepared to have child. That is a good feeling. Sigh of relief number four. A side note on this: I think most women are actually already pregnant or with a newborn before they work a lot of these issues out–and better to work them out before than after, says I!

    –Fifth (and this shall be the last, but it has been good for me to articulate the things I’ve learned), I hereby debunk the myth that you have to become a totally different person once you have a child. I like me. I like the relationship I have with my husband. Why would I want that to change? I also refuse the notion that your whole world turns upside-down and “things will never be the same.” I can still love graphic design, hiking, and reading. I can still eat the things that I love to eat. I don’t have to start loving cute little baby clothes (because I don’t) and speaking in diminuitives and talking constantly about my children when people ask how I am. I don’t have to color-coordinate a nursery according to gender stereotyped colors. People can tell me their opinions but I don’t have to follow them. I do believe that having children can expand my soul–joy will do that to you. Sigh of relief number five.

    So that’s been part of my personal journey as I’ve struggled with the same feelings. Most of it has been realizing that I don’t have to fit a mold–that whatever mold I think there is for mothers is only a social or cultural perception, and I have so much more freedom than people let on.

    Thanks for your post, Camille. I applaud your honesty.

  4. Kelly says:

    Once my husband and I got married, we too were harassed by people about having kids. Two years in and we still don’t have any. It’s OKAY!! Right now we enjoy other peoples kids…because we can give them back.

  5. Well said. My mind has gone to that place more than once.

  6. Lisa says:

    I love your honesty and I couldn’t agree more. I am also constantly harassed about when I will have children. I feel like so many people get caught up in “what’s next” and don’t take the time to just enjoy life as it is right now. I recently got married and the last few years of my life have been “when are you getting married? when are you going to buy a house? when are you getting a dog? when are you going to have children?” Drives.Me.Nuts. So, enjoy life with your husband until you decide the right baby timing for yourselves :)

  7. Debbie H says:

    I’ve got three girls and from little we alway told them, “If you have to get married before you finish college OK, but DON’T have kids before you’re out.” So don’t even worry about it yet. I didn’t even get married until I was 27 and had 1st daugher at 30. But don’t get lazy about birth control in your 40s — I was 43 when baby boy came….

  8. Bethany says:

    I think its good to enjoy your spouses company before having kids…when you do have kids you’ll remember the years you had alone with your husband and cherish them!

  9. Jeff L. says:

    Hmmm….

  10. Geevz says:

    I almost wrote a rant about this but chickened out. I’m glad you did it. I deal with the same fear that if I finally do figure out someday that I want a kid, I’m going to be totally infertile and cry every night because I don’t have a kid and completely forget how happy I am without any.

    I’m pretty much afraid of commitment all the way around. The whole “no take backs” business bums me out. I had to thumbtack my wallpaper up because I couldn’t commit to glueing it. The wallpaper I got because I couldn’t commit to the subway tile.

    Now committing to losing my body, sleep, money, and sanity is something I just plain can’t comprehend.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Well. What to say to this? Have I ever shared how I knew it was time for me to get pregnant? If I haven’t, I need to. Not that you’ll have the same experience; you couldn’t. But I just think I should tell you all the same. And if I already have, ponder what I told you. Key word: ponder.

    Second piece of [unsolicited] advice: If you truly feel like you want to know the answer to this, go to the temple.

    Observation: You seem very confused and at-a-loss about this. Maybe you should wait until you feel calm and peaceful about it.

    Personal note: I agree with much of what you said. I commend you for having the courage to say it, even when you will (and you will) be ridiculed and condemned for having said it.

    And lastly: IT’S TIME FOR A NEW BLOG THEME. I’m sick of this pink. It was good while it lasted, but now it’s making me feel like I’ve eaten too much cotton candy at the fair.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Oh, and I wanted to say this but forgot (Probably because my previous entry was so long.): Don’t be too hard on those people who keep asking you when you’re going to have children. Sometimes they’re just trying to make conversation. I know. I know. It’s none of their business, they should talk about the weather, they don’t even know you, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know. But give them a break. I can’t count the number of times I asked people this pre-marriage just to have something to talk about. I didn’t ask after I got married because I understood then how it felt to be on the end of the asking. But I’m sure most people mean no harm, and are honestly just trying to think of something to talk about with you. Give them a break.

    And for the record, I have tried very hard not to broach this subject because I know how it irks you. Kudos to me.

  13. Oh Camille, you are so sweet. You are hard on yourself. I think you are still so young (aren’t you? I actually don’t know how old you are) and I’m sure that you won’t be “baby full” forever. You’ll get that desire to have children and I don’t think it will be too late. Keep doing what you are doing, living your life the way it should be, and things will fall into place.

    I like Anonymous’ comment. I think it’s your sister, but she is right about going to the temple for answers and also not being too hard on people who ask when you are having kids because they might not realize their question is so terrible. I have this HUGE thing where I hate silent moments. Sometimes I will talk about the dumbest things just to keep the conversation going. Then I go home at night and regret what I said and feel bad for talking so much.

    This is a personal question, so you don’t have to answer it, but I’m curious as to whether Kyle wants kids right now or if he is in the same boat as you?

  14. holly your fan says:

    my thank you note guilt is very confusing to my husband and we just had a big talk about it… i am hoping that it will die off with time, but for now it is strong and plentiful. it makes me feel more connected to you now that i know you suffer from the same guilt.
    as for your motherhood worries, darling… i have faith in you. i have faith that everything will work out for you and pk.
    everyone has opinions… EVERYONE. so why share mine? the fact of the matter is… its between you, kyle, and the Lord.
    i was very upset when people told me this past visit to Mesa that i was doing everything wrong in life- having two kids 11 months apart and raising Charlie to be a barefoot hooligan. but guess what? its none of their beeswax.
    so enjoy your own beeswax, and thanks for being such a talented writer.
    hugs.

  15. Maureen says:

    This makes sense. I think the part that I hate the most is just the thought of being “stuck” with either decision I make and not being able to go back for a do-over. Bummer.

  16. Alex says:

    I had similar feelings for the first few years I was married (I felt less guilt though, but more… indifference?). “Baby hungry”? Ew. Anyway, I agree with a lot of the comments people already made – basically, if you are living your life the right way & keeping yourself open to revelation, you’ll gradually be prepared for when the time comes. Prayer plays a big part. In the meantime, enjoy your life as it is! It’s not anybody else’s business, so just give a weak smile & a short answer if they ask about your procreation plans.

    By the way, I’m due with our first baby in June – 2 months after our fourth wedding anniversary. (Four years! The women in my mom’s ward must be just beside themselves). I couldn’t be happier and I’m glad I waited ’til I felt “ready.”

  17. DeAnna says:

    Love the comments to this post.

    Seriously you are right, when you are ready to have children then have them. I think every newly wed couple gets harassed about this, especially if you are religious. In the end I was ready to have children and so was my husband & we had pondered/prayed about it, so we stepped into it.

  18. Katie says:

    Camille. Darling. I adore you. And your ovaries.

    I never had the maternal instinct either. Frankly, I hated kids. Chris and I planned on eventually having them, but we were pretty shocked when it actually happened. And when Bean arrived, so did my maternal instincts. You sort of just go with it when its happening to you, I guess.

    As for the timing of it, well that’s all you ( and, of course, PK should probably be there, too…might be awkward and unsuccessful if he’s not). But I think the prayer advice is the best.

    To everything there is a season.

    But for right now, this is the season of ridding yourself of the guilt. Be guilt-free, my dear. You are doing a beautiful job creating a firm foundation for a baby, when and if one ever comes along in your life. The best way to prepare is to strengthen and enjoy your marriage. And you and PK seem to be pros in that department.

  19. Jen says:

    Funny you posted this… I kinda had this conversation with my co-workers today. I keep getting the whole “when are you getting pregnant?” question. I gotta say it totally puts a negative outlook to my day.
    Thanks for your honesty. A lot of people think this… and they dont say it.
    I, once, didnt want kids, now I’m ready… and its actually not happening… We’ll see what happens. Like other commenters said… only YOU will know.

  20. after three years of marriage, i just recently decided i want a baby. and kids. the only problem is: i soooo do not want to be pregnant.

    now that’s a conundrum.

    p.s. i don’t even know if that’s how you spell that word. or use it. but i’m tired, and i don’t care. i wanted to use it.

  21. Chloe says:

    You’re so right. Sometimes I feel the same guilt. Not about babies, but about taking other decisions.
    You’re not alone. I also live my life through guilt. You’re so brave to write about this. I adore you, Camille. If you ever have a baby, you’ll be a great mom, but meanwhile, you’re a great person.

  22. TeamHaynes says:

    I read this when you first posted but I wanted to think about my comments before I posted them. I also wanted to see what others said because I’m nosy like that.
    I think what you are experiencing is more fear than guilt. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong and my dear, you have done nothing wrong. Given your height and weight, you could go on an eating binge for a week and you would have no judgment from me. I know the next week you would pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go eat a salad. (Or fish, or insert favorite fruit!) If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t write a thank you note…you finish the story. Now I have never smelled you up close, but if you are that concerned about your smell that you probably aren’t offensive at all. Half the time I forget to shower AND put deodorant on and I have to ask Taylor if I reek. I know in my head I do, but he doesn’t even notice it. Knowing you at least put some effort into your physical health, you are throwing your life a bigger bone than most people. And you never complain about it either! That’s all I seem to do these days.
    In my opinion its actually a good thing that you don’t lash out at people because you’re right, they could die tomorrow! That could be the last time you see that person! Kudos to you because if you have that little voice inside your head tell it I want to borrow it sometime! On second thought I probably won’t because the voice would tell me to keep silent and then I would say something mean to it and then the voice would go home sad and get hit by a car on the way home.
    You and I both love mommy bloggers, but not all of them are stable people. Just look at the general population that have children. Some not married, some not making enough money to support themselves let alone a baby, some too young, some too old, most are unprepared and walking into it blind. But look at you! IF you had a child right now (only hypothetical trust me) you would have a happily married STABLE home for your child. Your thoughts here tell us you’ve been pondering the subject for a long time and that is so beneficial to a child. The world would be prepared for the child to come into it. How many people in therapy right now have been crying over never having that kind of life?
    Seeing other people’s experiences does not mean it will happen to you. It seems the negative rings louder than the positive these days. I remember more scary and horrible baby stories than the cute and adorable ones. But that does not mean there are not ones out there. I look at my husband and the parents he had, the childhood he had. It was blissful. He had the two best parents a kid could ask for, and those kind of stories would never make the morning news. Its the ones with the serial killer’s parents and what went wrong.
    I might just have a one up on you with these pregnancy questions. I look like I’m pregnant. I am NOT pregnant, nor do I plan on a pregnancy for a good while. So when I get asked that question, (it happens a lot) at first it hurts because all my weight is right where I would be carrying a child I don’t have. Then it becomes anger towards a person so ignorant that they would assume something before they know. (In case anyone is wondering, I don’t care if a woman is in the bloody delivery room, do NOT ask if she is pregnant. Just DON’T!) The last thing I feel is, “Well crap, I look pregnant, I might as well be pregnant.” Of course this is the idiocies in my head but these kinds of questions make me a little juvenile in my head. So when people ask me if I’m going to have kids soon, I’m more grateful they didn’t ask if I was pregnant instead.
    Although I do agree its annoying. It’s like all people think we think about is having babies. We’re still newlyweds! I still haven’t made bacon yet! Yes the food, yes I know its delicious but I just haven’t made bacon for Taylor yet. The problem is my sister had kids really young. My nieces are chomping at the bit for 1st cousins. Thank goodness both set of parents are cool with no grand kids because the other ones fill the void. I just think its odd when you’ve just met someone and they ask about it. Why is it important? Because if its small talk, please bore me with work stuff because I don’t want to talk about kids!
    I completely agree with Jamie. Most people don’t want to have children until they are with child. That poses a bit of a set back for you only because you want a child before that happens. I think, once again, you are just fearful. Fearful of the future and what it holds. You have so much concern for a child that does not exist, do you see how motherly that actually is? I know it sounds like you are doubtful, but you are actually hopeful because if a child came into the world, you would do everything possible to make it a wonderful place. You are way ahead of the game. Just think about how some women are riddled with real guilt because of a mistake they made with someone they didn’t even know in the back seat of a pinto. What a way to bring a child into the world.
    I think its safe to say I’m baby fed too. I’ve got my nieces and nephew to fill a void I might have baby fever if they weren’t there. I know a lot more about pregnancy, childbirth, and children than most women who want children so badly. That is mostly the reason I don’t want to have kids right now. Kids are expensive, they cry all night sometimes, labor HURTS, pregnancy is not all about glowing. But then again, I know how wonderful and rewarding it is. People talk about childbirth pain and it being the most wonderful day in their life in the SAME sentence! Babies do cry, but they also cuddle and giggle, and do things that make parents well up. Breast milk is free! People give so much to babies, and they in turn give so much more back. I totally see the dilemma you are having, do you see mine?
    If PK married you knowing you might not have ever wanted kids, than he signed into it. I believe he knows you more than you know yourself and he probably sees your potential for children is high on the spectrum of motherhood. I trust his judgment. He might be just as worried as you are on the inside.
    You are right, children should be loved and anticipated before conception. No arguments whatsoever. It upsets me everyday that not all children are this way but all I know is it will be different for me. I can’t tell you how many times people look at me like I have a horn on my head when I tell them this. They say it doesn’t always work that way. Well I say make it work because children are worth that. If they don’t give the kid anything, they at least deserve that.
    We forget sometimes how young we are. You have so much time to have a child. It only grows for 40 weeks. In ten years you just might decide you want kids. You’ll only be 33! Just enough time. And what if its too late? Adoption is such a great option. If its past that point and you’re an old lady, get a cat! No, haha. JK. I know you just glared at me…I couldn’t help it. I stand by my thoughts that I believe God puts an, “I want a baby,” whisper in our ear sometime around childbearing years. It might come later in life, but I believe it comes and when it does, you’ll be totally ready!
    For now, do the things you want to do because this is the time! Finish your degree, write a book, be comfortable with the life you have now because focusing all your attention on another life puts the first one on the back burner. I’m with you though, I’m perfectly content with sleeping in on Saturdays, going out with friends whenever I want to, paying constant attention to my husband because I CAN! You are NOT ruining anyone’s life because you don’t want kids right now. You are being who you are right now and that’s just going to have to be accepted dang it! Choosing motherhood for the wrong reasons? I don’t believe you will. You won’t let yourself. And for goodness sakes! YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE THE UNA-BOMBER! You lack all that hair and the potential to look like a man! And you aren’t a creeper either.
    And also because I need to go on a rant about something, once you do become a mommy (because I totally believe you will) please don’t be like THOSE mommies! The ones that engross their entire existence around their children and have no life of their own and ignore their husbands because being a mommy is more important than being a wife and have every single picture on facebook as their kids and all they talk about is their children because its like they are the only person EVER to have a kid and never post another good blog because everything is about the baby the baby, the BABY! Ok deep breaths. But do you know what I’m talking about? The overly obsessed mother. The one that has a nervous breakdown when the last baby leaves the house and her husband wants to leave too from being ignored all those years and was just sticking around for the sake of the kids. You know what I mean. Please don’t be like that. That would probably be the only thing that would stop me from reading your blog.
    Do what you think is right. Pray about it because God knows your full potential. And don’t feel bad because we’ve all had these feelings too at some point.

  23. Whitney says:

    Camille so many people feel the same way. I wasnt necessarily baby hungry when we decided to get pregnant. I couldnt even say we were trying. I wasnt mentally prepared for that. I used the phrase ” if it happens, it happens.” Zach wanted kids the second we were married, I did not. I was so young when we got married that I wanted nothing to do with having babies. But then there came a point that having babies was the next step in my life. Zach and I had been married awhile and I was graduating school in a few months. It just seemed like after I graduated that was my next step. That instead of go out and get a design job I was “ready” in my life to have a baby. I wasnt baby hungry at all. I just felt like I would be ok with it. You just arent at that step. not mentally or physically. You are still in school. The best advice my mom gave me was wait until I was done with school. I look at friends and family trying to go to school now after having kids and its hard! After your done with school then you can think about it again. Cause you will be at that step in your life. Dont feel guilty.

  24. Dutch girl says:

    Hey Camille. Please don’t worry too much about this. You’re still very, very young. And if you don’t ever get the desire to have kids, that is OK. I am 33 and I don’t want them. Ever. I have a million reasons, but the most important one is that I don’t feel the desire inside me. It’s just not there. I think that is completely fine. When I was younger I used to worry a lot about the opinions of others. Now I don’t care anymore. This is who I am, and it’s OK to live your life without raising children. Please, DO NOT WORRY.

  25. Carmen says:

    Wow, so many comments and some really long ones too. Don’t worry about the baby thing right now. Finish school. We have been counselled to get a good education and you have done so many years thus far, why throw it all away. Then once you finish you might feel like its time to have a baby. I won’t say anymore because it really is a personal decision between Kyle and You and the Lord. Just know this, there is nothing else in life that will bring you greater joy (other than your husband (not in the sexual sense)). You can’t comprehend or imagine the joys that come from raising your own children. Pure Joy. Obviously not each and every day is thus and there will be some trying times, but it is just like life in that aspect I guess. Anyways, enough said.

  26. RatalieNose says:

    Your unibomber picture is awesome. Wanna know where I first heard that term? You’ve Got Mail.

  27. cyndi says:

    Wow. I think it will all work itself out in time and wish you lots of patience and guilt-riddance in the years to come.

  28. Aspen says:

    Camille, love your blog–just discovered it. :)

    Please! Don’t feel an ounce of guilt if you don’t want to have kids! One shouldn’t decide to birth their spawn to please others around them, be they family, friends, etc. You are not a “flawed woman” because you don’t want them. I’m 33 and don’t want them, and never will. Actually, when I was younger, I thought I did, but as the years went by, I realized that I only wanted them because I thought that was what I was SUPPOSED to do as a woman. It isn’t. Luckily, my hubby doesn’t want them either.

    Seeing all my friends who have children COMPLETELY change into different people (even though they all said they’d NEVER become THOSE types of parents–ha!) has only furthered my desire to NOT have kids. And don’t get me wrong–I love kids, babies, all of ’em. Hell, I’m on my way to getting my teaching certificate! But the idea of giving up the life I have and any sort of spontaneity, just so that I can support (financially AND emotionally) another person and ensure that it becomes a productive member of society in the process totally turns me off.

    All those folks who tell you “you’ll be missing out if you don’t have them!” or “nothing in life will give you more joy!” or “your life will be devoid of REAL love without them!” are just people who simply don’t know just how much you enjoy your life and love your husband as much as you do. And if they’re right, well…I say ignorance is bliss. Not to mention, it’s none of their business anyway.

    I think that pregancy and childbirth are 2 of the most amazing things a woman can do (I helped one of my best friends bring her daughter into the world via homebirth and it blew my mind!), but they’re not the ONLY amazing things we can do. I sometimes wish I could experience that part of the process, but ONLY that part. Unfortunately, you gotta bring that baby home and raise it til it’s at least 21 afterwards. *shudder* No thanks. And if that makes me selfish, well…then I guess I’m selfish. But I’m not having a baby so I can live up to the world’s expectations of what a woman is “supposed” to do.

    *stepping off my soapbox* :)

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