In An Effort to Salvage My Marriage…

Manners.  There are so many different perspectives of what constitutes “good manners,” don’t you think?  In my house growing up, I was not allowed to read at the dinner table.  Common courtesy, or so it seemed.  But these days, I go out with Kyle and I see kids tinkering with all sorts of video game-ish things at dinner—it’s totally baffling to me.

is-your-child-addicted-to-video-gamesImage from here.

If we weren’t allowed to read at the dinner table at home, we most certainly wouldn’t have been allowed to read or play games at a restaurant, where we actually had to pay to eat.  My parents would have been aghast; I am aghast!

See, that’s the thing about kids these days.  They’re completely oblivious to the yaddah yaddah did you really think I was going to get on a soapbox about ill-mannered children when so many of my readers are parents themselves?  No way, José.  {And anyway, even if I were to rant and rave about snot-nosed kids, you can rest assured I wouldn’t be talking about any of your little dears—your children are angels, I promise.}

No; instead, I’m going to talk about bad manners within a marriage.  This is going to be fun.

For the most part, my husband Poor Kyle is incredibly well-mannered.  He always thanks me for dinner [“That was deLICious, my dear!”], usually eats everything I put in front of him (though sometimes with the aid of exhorbiant amounts of barbeque sauce, but I’m not offended), and almost always rinses off his plate after he’s finished.  Sometimes I have to remind him that we have napkins by our plates for a reason, but really, who even cares if he sometimes lets ketchup build up in the corners of his mouth?  Not me—I think it’s cute.

In fact, we’re actually pretty uncouth around each other.  I remember the first time I accidentally tooted in front of Poor Kyle—he laughed and laughed, and thought it was so cute that such a funny noise came out of a sweet little thing like me.  He called me his Little Tooter all night.  Probably he shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it, because ever since then, I’ve had the opinion that Poor Kyle likes to hear me toot, so when the need arrives, I pretty much just let ‘er rip.  (Part of me can’t believe I’m writing this on the internet; the other part wonders what took me so long.)  So, yes.  I toot {I stopped calling it “fart” years ago, but it you’d prefer it, I suppose I could use the word “flatulate;” it has a nice ring} in front of my spouse.  And belch.  And pick my toenails and pop my pimples and floss my teeth and good heavens, it’s going to be a long eternity for Poor Kyle, stuck with a smelly old broad like me.

That is, if we make it through this life without getting divorced.  Because, according to a recent article on msn.com, tooting in front of my spouse is the first step on the highway to ex-hood:

Rut #7: Being Too Close
Why it’s bad: As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you’re leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you.
How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn’t do it in front of your work friends, don’t do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: “I know we’re close, and we can share everything, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It’s not very sexy, and I don’t want anything that makes you less sexy to me.”

Nice.

I don’t mind when Poor Kyle burps, scratches, picks, or toots.  Really, I don’t.  But I know he minds some of my less-than-ladylike bad habits.  Like the jungle of hair I collect on the tile of our shower wall.  I play a game with myself—I save each strand of hair that escapes my ever-thinning scalp, and stick it to the shower wall like a trophy, seeing how big the pile can get before it either falls from the weight of itself, or Poor Kyle gets so grossed out that I finally give in and toss it out.

shower-wall-hair

{I’ve got a really good one going right now—this is about a week’s worth, give or take a few stragglers, but it’s about to be retired because Poor Kyle is threatening to leave me for someone with thicker hair [probably one of his lamespice ex-girlfriends.]}

Indeed, while I’d like you all to think that I am glamourous and graceful every moment of my life…

Wedding Photo

…in reality, I’m atrocious:

I'm Atrocious in Real Life

I'm Atrocious Eating WingsThe proof is in the chicken wing.

So, in honour of this week’s Spin Cyle over at Sprite’s Keeper, I have decided…

…to remove the hair from the shower wall.  I love you, Poor Kyle.

What sort of marriage-threatening bad manners do you exhibit?  Or am I the only one in this situation?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in Cutting Back, fiascos, It's All Good, Married Life, mediocrity, oh brother what next, Poor Kyle, spin cycle and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to In An Effort to Salvage My Marriage…

  1. linda rae says:

    You forgot the sneezing. Camille’s readers: she sneezes the cutest, daintiest little puffs of air you ever heard. VERY ladylike and unobtrusive.

    I cannot speak for her tooting. Or the hair in the shower.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Well I guess Clint and I are just about divorced, then, because we do everything on that list. Meh.

  3. Holly Decker says:

    BEST POST EVER. i know i say that a lot. perhaps i should actually go back and rank them all… but seriously BEST POST EVER. mean it.
    Jeff and I just read this together and had a fabulous laugh. i think because we can relate to every bit of it :)
    i will get back to you on my list of terrible habits… i am still in denial and dont want the world to know of my millions of imperfections!

  4. Deemarie says:

    I always thought it was a sign of comfort to toot in front of each other…
    My poor sister… her hubby and 2 sons can all toot (though what they do is much more volatile than a “toot”) on command. Rough!

  5. Hm. I nag him about closing and locking doors and leaving stuff around when Sprite can get her hands on it. That bugs him. Great advice on manners though! You’
    re linked!

  6. HeatherPride says:

    I probably nag a lot. But if my husband would learn to just do things immediately, it wouldn’t be a problem, now would it?

    OK, I nag.

  7. ann marie says:

    Camille- You crack me up.
    Whomever wrote that article I highly doubt is married.. or happily married.
    My husband and I do all of those things.. and so do my parents and grandparents.. If you can’t be yourself who are you?

    I have 3 friends that go to sleep with their make-up on, and wake up an hour earlier than their husband to get ready so they always look good.. There husbands have NEVER seen them without their hair done or make-up applied. I think it’s insane.

    One of my favorite things about my Chad is the fact that he loves to see me in a ponytail without makeup. I love that I can be me! I don’t try to “fluff” in front of him.. but if it happens.. Oh well. ~ And I could tell you some LOL times we have had.. but I won’t leave them on YOUR blog. I’ll spare you… :)
    VENT away at bad mannered kids! I would join you! Great post!!

  8. ann marie says:

    Oh.. and Thank you for all of your sweet thoughts and comments.. They have been much appreciated!

  9. Leann says:

    Oh, my goodness. When I had long hair, it would fall out if I ran my fingers through my strands. So, in the shower, it would come out in gobs and I would stick it on the shower wall and then when it got large enough, I’d pull it off and throw it away. Better than letting it clog up the drain.

    So glad I’m not the only one!!!

  10. Maureen says:

    I do the EXACT same thing with my hair in the shower. That’s so funny! (I do try to clear it out on a regular basis, though)

  11. Kimberly says:

    Great post Camille! I still have an issue with tooting in front of Jason, unless its those deadly but silent ones I let rip under a blanket :-) And I won’t let him watch me to go to the bathroom either. He has to close his eyes if he’s going to hand me a roll of toilet paper while I’m sitting there doing my biz-ness. And I have asked him to leave the room if he has to let one rip, because I am such a smell person that if it wreaks and I smell it, you can bet there’s no feelings of sexiness after that. – ick! So yeah, I guess I have some boundaries in those departments, leave a little mystery in the marriage ;-)

  12. Lindsay says:

    this is hilarious! jared just told me the other day how disgusting my little shower hair pile was, but i told him collecting it on the wall is much better than letting it clog up the drain. he then understood.

    and we call them toots too.

  13. mameelynn says:

    I loves this post! I have my own hairy wall also.. After you have a baby it comes out by the fistful! When Brad and I got married I told him I don’t care if he lets em rip but if he ever was to let some good ones off in the bed and then to fan the blankets that that would be grounds for divorce…. He never has! He never thought that I ever tooted because they were always silent until I got pregnant… Now they are just as loud as his… Our two year old will wander around going “tooter-butt!”

    I don’t know if it counts as bad manners but I guess some would say that I have let myself go now that I’m married… I very rarely do much more than putting my hair in a ponytail or a braid and make-up…what’s that? If I even turn on my hair dryer my two year old comes running to find out what is going on.

  14. Katie says:

    I always knew I liked you. I am the exact same way. I let ‘er rip in front of Chris, among other things. But sometimes I catch myself and I think, “How did we ever make a baby when I pick my toes in front of this man?” Good thing they love us unconditionally. :)

  15. stefanie says:

    um i love this post! i do the same things-fart, pop pimples, never shower and my new horrible habit is pooping w/ the door open..its icky i know! and i say screw you to the person that wrote that article. sometimes they just slip out…w/ some force behind it! :)

  16. Chloe says:

    LOL The greatest post ever!!
    I have some bad habits/manners: leaving the light on everywhere, the windows open, being in pajamas until 13:30 {on the weekend}, speaking with my mouth full, squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the middle, and a long list of bad manners.

  17. Jami says:

    OK, you get borox at Walmart. It is in the detergent part. AND, the blog that I got the recipe from said that it works for front load washers??? BUT I don’t know for sure? Maybe research…
    I wish I could read this post…it seems good…but it won’t come up? Weird.

  18. Jami says:

    OK, you get borox at Walmart. It is in the detergent part. AND, the blog that I got the recipe from said that it works for front load washers??? BUT I don’t know for sure? Maybe research…
    I wish I could read this post…it seems good…but it won’t come up? Weird.

  19. anna says:

    Hmmm, funny that you can be “too close” in a marriage. All this time I thought it was a good thing Jason and I are so comfortable around each other.

  20. shalynna says:

    You are hilarious. I don’t usually laugh out loud with reading books, blogs, or watching TV/movies. I often think things are funny, but it takes a lot for me to actually LOL. What I’m getting at is this post made me laugh out loud.

    By the way I call it “toot” also. I hate the other word.

    Something that makes me less ladylike? …I would prefer to not shower every single day , but to save MY marriage I do.

  21. Rachel says:

    It’s a “poot” at our house. We have more girls than boys here, its much more ladylike. And my husband pretty much forced me to get comfortable with him and all the not-so pretty things we can do with our bodies. Of course, any pretense at that kind of manners would have gone right out the window the first time I gave birth. He had a front row seat for the gore, but still loves me. He’s nice like that.
    P.S. I’m extremely impressed by your hair collection, but am wondering if you ever found out what was causing it?

  22. Ok.
    The hair thing is hilarious and disgusting at the same time.
    WHAT DOES MSN KNOW????????
    IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. Jami says:

    OK, I was finally able to pull up this post! It was good!
    I remember the first time I farted infront of Spencer…I LOVED it! I felt like we entered a new part of our relationship!
    AND the other night at the adult session of stake conference I had the WORST gas. Not stinky kind…just LOUD! SO I had to hold them in…you know what that means…P-TARDS! OH, I was riviting in pain by the end of the meeting. AND to make it worse I was worried that if I stood up that they would all come out! OH it was terrible!
    But, I love that Spencer and I have a “close” relationship. I would say that if you don’t have one that you are closer to divorce than us close people!

  24. Sarah says:

    I also enjoyed this post! I’d have to say that the reason you act differently with your spouse than you do with your co-workers is because you’re more comfortable with your spouse and they’ve already accepted you for you. I guess to each their own!

  25. Cristin says:

    That MSN article is idiotic. “If you wouldn’t do it in front of your work friends…”????

    I don’t know about you, but we’ve had the bathroom door open since night numero uno.

  26. Hannah says:

    Your hilarious! I do the same thing with my hair!! No joke. But mine gets sprayed off the wall the very same day. I’m jealous I don’t get to build it up like you… You lucky woman! ha

  27. Liz Wood says:

    I would have to agree with Jami. If you can’t do that stuff in front of your spouse maybe that would be the reason for a divorce! I loved this post though! I am glad to know I’m not the only wife who makes her husband endure the toots and hair in the shower! Also you still totally look gorgeous eating wings! You have not seen the worst side of me! Trust me, it is not pretty!!

  28. HI!
    Your thoughts are very sweet but what does the hair are for.
    Good Day

  29. Pingback: Archives of Our Lives » We All Got Boogers.

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