So I was riding my bike the other day, when it struck me that Poor Kyle doesn’t love me at all.

Leastwise, he doesn’t love me as much as some men love their spouses.

Tangent:  I once had a friend who was convinced that her fiance loved her more than any fiance has ever loved his bride-to-be in the history of the world.  I thought that was nice.  And then I thought, “Not me.  I know Poor Kyle loves me, but I’d say his love for me is just about…average.  He loves me probably only as MUCH as other men love their girlfriends, but certainly no more.  We’re hitting par.  Batting average.  We’re not striking out, no…but we’re certainly not blowing any records out of the water.”  Is that normal to think about the love between one and one’s spouse?

Anyway, I guess we’re declining in our marriage, because now I don’t think Poor Kyle loves me even half as much as other men love their wives.  He certainly doesn’t love me as much as JOHN LUVS MARIA:


But really, that’s sort of an arbitrary standard to set for Poor Kyle.  I mean, I can go around all day saying he doesn’t love me as much as JOHN LUVS MARIA, but what does that really mean for Poor Kyle?  Nothing.  He needs to know just how much JOHN really does LUV MARIA.  So let me clarify…

JOHN LUVS MARIA 2JOHN LUVS MARIA enough to paint it on the street a hundred times throughout town.  And not with a can of spray paint, either—JOHN LUVS MARIA much more than spray paint could ever express.  Spray paint is the medium of gangsters and overly-bored teenage punksters.  But JOHN?  JOHN’s love for MARIA is far greater than spray paint.  JOHN LUVS MARIA, and to prove it, he needs BUCKETS full of paint.  And stir sticks, too.  JOHN litters the streets with his love for MARIA.  Poor Kyle probably only loves me with enough love for a bottle of toenail polish.  Lucky MARIA.

JOHN LUVS MARIA 3Real, true, paint splotches serve as evidence of JOHN’s LUV for MARIA.

JOHN LUVS MARIA 4Also too, JOHN LUVS MARIA enough to take up the entire street saying so.  Poor Kyle probably only loves me enough for the bike lane (if this town even had them, which it doesn’t).

In fact, JOHN LUVS MARIA so much, he wrote it ten or maybe twenty times all over the streets of Mayberry to prove it.  I went to the starting line of his LUV, and found an interesting progression of passion:

JOHN LUVS MARIA 5First, he wrote only “I {HEART} MARIA,” which, presumably, was simply too arbitrary a sentiment.  It could have been anyone hearting MARIA, and that simply wouldn’t do…


…so he got a little more ambitious, this time staking claim to Maria with his own initials.  Twenty feet further up the road, he scrawled, “JW {HEART} MC.”  But stepping back to admire his handiwork, he decided it still wasn’t quite right.  It needed something more…


…it needed her middle initial.  You know…to prove he knows her entire name.  Obviously.  That’s how to tell if someone really loves you, my Grandma always used to say—if he can remember your birthday and your middle name.  [Poor Kyle thinks I was born in January, and I don’t have a middle name for him to remember, but if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t take.] “JW {HEART} MSC.” 

And yet, even that leap of bravery could not fully encompass the love he feels for Maria…

JOHN LUVS MARIA 8The heart symbol just didn’t cut it.  He needed the word—LUV.  “JW LUVS MSC.”

Ultimately, though, JOHN realised the only way to fully prove to MARIA how much he loved her, was to prove how much he would sacrifice for her.  He finally graduated to the biggest love-proving risk of all: REAL FIRST NAMES.  He must have realised it was the only way to fully prove his love for the doe-eyed beauty, because the next sign I came to was this:

JOHN LUVS MARIA 9There it is—JOHN LUVS MARIA, , in the middle of the intersection of Main Street and the highway out of town, for all the world {or at least all of Mayberry} to see.  If there were a mountain nearby, I’m sure JOHN would have shouted his sentiments from the highest peak of it.  He LUVS MARIA, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

He even wrote it bigger later on down the road (pictured first).

I know I sound bitter.  I am bitter.  And of course, everyone knows that bitter people started out as jealous people, and I’m nothing if not jealous.  I mean, John put forth a noble effort to proclaim his LUV for Maria, which is more than Poor Kyle ever did for me.  John lost countless hours of sleep in the dead of night to drive around town painting love notes in the middle of the street so Maria could wake up the next morning and roll over the paint with her tires on her way to work.  John vandalised the entire community in Maria’s name, which will probably cost the town—and Maria’s parents—hundreds of tax dollars to repair.  John is a first-rate gentleman, and a ladies’ man to boot.  Who WOULDN’T be jealous of Maria’s fine catch?

I mean, all Poor Kyle ever does for me is grab me by the shoulders, look me in the eye and SAY he loves me.  Oh, and he bought me a diamond ring—the very one I’d asked for—as a symbol of his love.  And then he got down on his knee not once, not twice, but THREE times to ask me to marry him (I was playing hard to get—so sue me).

Yes, John loves Maria.  Of that I’m sure.  But what I don’t understand is, if he loves her so very much (as we’re all led to believe he does), why couldn’t he spell “LUV” the right way?

JOHN LUVS MARIAPut a hat on that “U” and add an “E,” John!  That’s the only real way to prove your love—typos will get you nowhere, you poor old fool.  Maria can probably spot a fraud from a mile away (the whole town can, for that matter).

How much does John love Maria?  Lots and lots, sure.

But not enough to spell it, and that’s just…not enough.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in Canada, failures, fiascos, It's All Good, mediocrity, mondays suck, oh brother what next and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to JOHN LUVS MARIA!

  1. my husband must love me more than john loves maria because he’d rather spend time with me than the time it must take to go to all that trouble. and seriously, not even spelling love out? not cool.

  2. chelsie says:

    I am a romantic through and through. I would love to wake up and drive my dreary drive to work with a trail of my lover professing his love for me. Even if it were spelled wrong.

  3. Chloe says:

    I think it’s soooo romantic!! Love it! or LUV it!! haha
    Jimmy once asked me if I would like to see something like that written in the street… and I said no. Because I’m too shy. But now I regret it. Damn it!

  4. molly says:

    I suppose I am a cynic, but my guess would be that Jon may have been an unreqited “luv-er” of Maria, and she was appalled and embarassed that he vandalised her entire neighborhood, making it appear as though they were an “item”. Lol. Perhaps her parents grounded her when they saw these messages scattered through town.

    Or, perhaps much like Angelina Jolie tattooing “Billy Bob” on her arm, it was a kiss of death for their originally happy and eternal seeming relationship.

    Either way, fascinating read. I was moved my the image of Poor Kyle grabbing your shoulders & telling you he loves you. It isn’t about the elaborate public displays, but more so the cute, small things he does because he knows they matter to you. That’s L-O-V-E.

  5. Jethro says:

    I have to suppose with Molly on this one. Hey John, that’s ALMOST cute, and definitely WEIRD. How embarrassing for the Mayberry grownups. Oh well, i suppose that’s small town havoc wreaking.

  6. Jenn says:

    Happy Last Day of August!!!!

  7. Anonymous says:

    He must have been drunk. What an idiot. I would move out of town if I were his mother. Really? Are you kidding me? Who does that???

  8. Cristin says:

    Oh my gosh, that is funny. Now, I wonder if Maria luvs John.

  9. Camberley says:

    I can’t believe someone actually did that! Where they drunk or something? Do you know who this John person is?

  10. Niqi says:

    LOL – I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps he is trying to start a relationship with Maria. painting it over and over again seems like a cry for help. Like he is saying “someone, anyone, please convince Maria that I luv her!” I wonder if he wrote it on the inside of bathroom stalls too?

    At least he didn’t get run over as he was painting his luv signs. Nope he probably waited until there was no traffic – what kind of risk for love is that? ;)

    Marriage is the biggest risk of all – THAT is LOVE. :)

  11. I don’t know; maybe I’m old and cynical, but I thing John is overcompensating for SOMEthing….

  12. RatalieNose says:

    What a stupid, romantic idiot.
    What ever happened to chalk?

  13. Molly says:

    chalk fades, lol. His LUV is forever, lol!

  14. Katie says:

    This cracked me up! Those pictures are fantastic!! Lucky Maria!

  15. Rachel says:

    ahahahahaha! I can’t wait until you publish a book. I think I will laugh all the way through it. I will if it’s like this anyway. You have the stream of conscious style of Dave Barry, the domestic themes of Erma Bombeck, the rythm of Mo Rocca, and it’s thoroughly seasoned with pure Camille. ahhhhh. Good times.

  16. Jeff says:

    John has been stalking Maria for quite some time now. This was the final straw. Now there’s a restraining order due to harassment. Maria’s name is now Susan Brown. She moved to an undisclosed neighboring small town. So much for the passionate love thingy.

    And now you know the rest of the story. Jealous?

    *The above paragraph may be entirely false.

  17. Anonymous says:

    In honor of Jeff, why don’t you write the rest of the story about John and Maria? Fabricate some story that would lead to the writing on the street. That would be really interesting.

  18. DeAnna says:

    A bit of advice to this John fellow. It is nice and all to paint your proclamation of love all over the place, but a more meaningful way to proclaim your love might be telling her in person to her face or even by spending hours with HER, like the hours it must have taken to paint said lines.

    To me that isn’t love, love means being there, from looking across that altar & saying yes, to putting up with the snoring that may or may not happen within 30 seconds of his head hitting the pillow, or enduring the toilet seat being left up on occasion, and sharing your bed & blankets every day for the rest of your life & into eternity, loving every second of it. To me that’s love.

  19. Whitney says:

    Oh my goodness. What a crazy lunatic. Hes probably in highschool. IM surprised he didnt get caught. Do you have police in Mayberry? And Natalie is right, what ever happened to chalk?

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