Lucky for the World

It’s lucky for the world that I am such a good person.

Because I have been met with many injustices–by a number of horrid people–throughout the course of my 21 years.

Like the time in my freshman year at ASU that Becca Flunt* accused me of stealing her TI-80something graphing calculator. I didn’t do it, of course–I had a TI80something of my own, and simply borrowed hers for 30 seconds at the institute building the day I’d forgotten mine. The next day, though, when hers turned up missing, she confronted me about it in a most accusing manner.

I went home spewing mad that day. I wanted to call “Five on Your Side,” the news station that confronts bad companies about shady deals they’d done. But Becca Flunt–though she was bad business indeed–was neither a company, franchise, nor corporation. Five on Your Side could do nothing for me. Then I wanted to slash all her tires and scrawl “WENCH!” along her car doors with a black Sharpie (TM). I wanted to punch out her living daylights, and I’m not even a violent person.

Instead, I drove down to the Super Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. and bought her a new, $95.00 TI-80whatever. I didn’t have enough money to fuel my car and feed myself, but I bought her a new calculator.

Now, lest your opinion of me lower because of what a pushover I was…check that thought. I am not a pushover. I never have been and I doubt I ever will be. But my name is not mud, and I’m not one to let my reputation be soiled by petty so-and-sos. I handed over my life savings (in the form of that dad-gum calculator), along with a rather spiteful letter which, I hope made her feel guilty for being so accusatory. I stood up to her but still cleared my good name. I’ve always wondered if she ever found her original calculator.

Yesterday it happened again. Another cruel person; another injustice; another juicy post for my blog:

Kyle and I arrived at church early, which meant we got to sit on the padded pews rather than the hard metal chairs in the back row. More importantly, we were out of cheerio-chucking range of all the little hoodlums whose parents have the decency to sit in the back. I was thrilled. We settled in on a shorter side pew, right in front of the three widow ladies who take up permanent residence on the sixth row–it’s the same row we always occupy when we get to church early enough (which has only happened once in four months). I turned around and smiled at Aunt Bea* (she’s not my aunt but all of Mayberry calls her “Aunt Bea,” so I do too), making casual small talk while we waited for church to start. I looked up and smiled as Old Widow #2 wriggled her way into the customary row next to Aunt Bea.

She gave me a stern look and said, jokingly, “Now, I don’t want you two to be scratching each other’s back like last time!”

“I’m getting sick of these corny newlywed witticisms,” I thought, chuckling slightly so Old Widow #2 thought I enjoyed her joke.

Then she continued, still unsmiling, “It’s inappropriate to be rubbing each others’ shoulders they way you young kids carry on. There’s enough time for that at home.”

“Oh my gosh. She’s not being witty. She’s dead serious.”

And she kept going…

“I come to church every week, and I like to pay attention. How can I focus on anything when you kids sit in front of me and scratch each others’ back like you do? It aggravates me.

Finally, I overcame the shock and found my voice, meager though it was.

“Thank you for your opinion,” I said, wishing it sounded more grown up than it actually did.

I turned to Poor Kyle, shocked and appalled, and he whispered smugly, “Don’t you wish we’d sat in the back?”

No. I wish all the old hags in the world would die already so as to stop muddling the pool of sweet, grandmotherly figures whose company I usually enjoy. I am going to continue going to church, of course–it didn’t shake my faith or offend me to the point of no return. But what if we were a young couple who were just visiting for the day, wanting to learn what the church was like? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t sing praises.

I’ve waited long and hard to finally be married so I could sit in church and get my back scratched by someone other than my mom or older sister. Getting one’s back scratched during church–at least where I come from–is a status symbol. And it’s nice. I can think of a hundred things more distracting than a quiet back scratch–they range between the ages of 1 to 12, and I’m never having any.

Because if I do, they’ll grow up to be crotchety old crones with nothing better to do than criticise perfectly nice churchgoers.

*Names have been changed because it seemed like the right thing to do

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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39 Responses to Lucky for the World

  1. Anonymous says:

    YOU’RE REALLY NEVER GONNA HAVE KIDS??????????????

  2. LetterToKayleen says:

    old people should be pleasant. they need to be pleasant. i can’t think of any other reason why people would want to be around them, if not for their pleasantries.

    i sit on the very front row, to the right, with my miserable 2 year old, wailing 8 month old, and sleepy head husband. it’s just where we’ve always sat. if others around us find it distracting, then i apologize. but everyone knows that your righteousness is directly related to how closely you sit to the podium, right? and there’s no way i’m moving to the back of the bus. and that, camille, is how i roll.

  3. Jami says:

    camille, that was really funny! AND, I hate the old ladie! She is just jealous that she doesn’t have someone to scratch her back…I know that when someone around me is getting their back scratched I am secretly jealous that I am not getting mine scratched! I guess on her behalf she is just old and lonely, and watching you and kyle love on eachother distracts her, because she misses her lover….BUT there are plenty of old people in the world that have lost their loved one, and are still pleasent to be around…what is her problem. OH, and I really do think a lot higher of you about the caculator thing…I can’t belive what a BRAT that girl is..I hope that she reads this post and feels liek CRAP!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Those little old bitty’s are just upset that they don’t have someone to scratch their backs too! ~A

  5. Loralee Choate says:

    The sweet little old lady is a myth. Most people tend to get very set in their ways as they age.

    Besides, I HIGHLY doubt that you are infused with sweetness that wasn’t there before just because your hair turns white.

    There are sweet ladies that turn into sweet little old ladies and then there are the wenches like Becca Fugly (Or whatever) who will morph into the crotchity, stingy, judgment filled person sitting beind you in church that really just needs to shut her piehole and let you have some happiness.

  6. angela hardison says:

    Every time anybody makes me angry my husband says, “Whose tires can I slash to make it better?” Seems like such a perfect form of retribution, no?

    There are a lot of old people in my ward, but luckily I haven’t encountered any hags yet.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Even Kathleen Andersen (practically a GA’s wife) loves to scratch and be scratched in church.. She once told me that was the most challenging thing about having her husband be Bishop and later Stake President–no church back scratches.
    I truly be lieve it’s a CANADIAN kind of thing. AMericans give and enjoy receiving BACK RUBS IN CHURCH. Yet another reason to move back to the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. (Also–you just got a jury duty notice.)

    Have fun in Boise.

    GRANAMAMMAAMAMMAMAMA

    P.S. I sat behind Jaimie Parker Pitts Sunday and she scratched and was scratched even though she had to take BAby Grace out 7 times. It’s an AMERICAN was of existence!

  8. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    Ditto. The old hag is just jealous. I’d forgotten that story about “Becca Flunt.” I do wonder what ever happened with that. I’ll bet she found that calculator and then pawned the one you bought for her. Oh well. At least your conscience is clean…

    P.S.: You make reference to your good personness an awful lot. Are you trying to overcompensate for something? It’s like you’re trying to convince us (and yourself) that you are really good. Just a thought…

  9. Debbi says:

    Camille… you make me laugh every day and thats all good. Your better than Seinfeld! Mind you I am going to be terrified when you write about a day with aunt Debbi when you visit us in Calgary or at the cabin. I’ll get thicker skin by then. Keep it up, it’s all true!

  10. Raygon says:

    HA HA HA!

    Sorry to laugh at your upsetting situation, but it was pretty funny. I agree with Debbie, you are just about as good as Seinfeld. Too bad they are not on the air anymore, you could suggest some good story lines.

    What? you are coming to Boise?

  11. Jessica says:

    Call me an old hag if you’d like (I’m 25), but I agree with the old ladies! There is nothing worse than seeing a husband and wife drape themselves all over eachother during church. And I have a husband, so no, I am not jealous, thank you very much. I simply believe there is a time and place for these things. Church is not one of them.

    I used to go to a married student ward and wow, it was ridiculous. The bishop actually had to lecture everyone about how distracting physical affection is during church and how couples should refrain from “touching”.

    Whether Kathleen Andersen enjoys it or not, I personally think it is inappropriate. And gross. And, quite frankly, inconsiderate. If it makes someone uncomfortable, then obviously, you should quit doing it. That’s not what church is about. Regardless of the way the person you offended confronted you.

  12. Common Sense says:

    You are the most inconsiderate person I have ever even heard of. Someone always sends me to your blog whenever you make a fool of yourself (the garbage cans and the dirtbike) and today is no different. Of course I understand that blogs are about speaking your mind, and being yourself, but are you really like this? Down deep? When someone disagrees with you, or makes you feel stupid, do you really wish they would die already? Seriously? I know the people you are talking about. Quit this. I don’t care if you “really mean it”, or if you’re proud for “speaking your mind”. Grow up and shut your yapper.

  13. LetterToKayleen says:

    how did good ol’ kathleen get involved in this?…makes me uncomfortable.

  14. Kathryn says:

    What makes me laugh Camille is that in another 60 years or so I can picture you being that little old lady that likes to tell the sweet little newlyweds what exactly is on your mind.

    I think when your younger you worry about what you say because someone might beat you up, but when your 80, nobody is going to beat you up so I guess you just say what you feel.

    As for where we sit in church, we just keep going farther back. I wish there was a sound-proof room just for my kiddos. They’re screaming meemees in church.

    Someday I’ll get to that tag. I’ve never been good at doing the tag thing in a timely manner. Also, those chain e-mails that say you have to e-mail your recipes or your answers to 10 people and so forth, yep, I never do those either.

    One last thing: Is Kayleen Common Sense and Jessica? Does she write those just to get a different point of view in? Sounds like something she would do.

  15. LetterToKayleen says:

    kathryn…no. and that offends me.

    (but in your defense, that does sound like something i would do.)

  16. Anonymous says:

    That was hillarious- i love how described church- it made me lugh outloud! backscratching is not distracting at all, and anyone who thinks that is just jealous. like u said, getting your backscratch is a status symbol (haha!) i don’t mind that the hag said it- she’s just getting bitter of life- so much as common sense and jessica. if they’re real people, they’re really mean! we all know you mean no harm…

  17. Lee says:

    Camille…
    I love your blog but have never commented on anything until now. But I feel that some things need to be said. Firstly, back scratching is a perfectly respectable activity in church. How is showing a little affection a bad thing between ETERNAL COMPANIONS? If someone has an issue with it, that is their problem. Why must the world change just because you’re an ornery old bitty who can perfectly decide how you can feel or react to others and their actions based on your own mindset? Is love not one of the greatest aspects of the gospel? Why is expressing that love, in what is a very subtle and sensitive way, on the Sabbath, the day of rest, such a bad thing? Scratch on, Camille, Scratch on…

    And one more thing that has irked me in your comments section… I must address all the anti-Canada comments, especially the ones made by “Grandma”. Back scratching, amongst many other comments that have been made over time, are perfectly acceptable in Canada. Just because an old lady made a comment in Canada does not mean that all of Canada sucks, as you would put it, or make it inferior to the US of A. Maybe someone should become more educated about a country before commenting on it. I would almost put money down that you have never even visited the country, let alone picked up a book or rented a movie about Canada. Stop crying about Camille moving to Canada. It won’t help at all. And it is annoying.

    Sorry Camille, just had to get that out…

  18. Steven and Kami Palmer says:

    Camille, that same thing happend to Steven and I when we were first married!!! This old lady passed a note up to us which said something like “you might be able to listen to the talks being given but for all of us your scratching each others backs and playing with your wifes earrings is a huge distraction!!” I was mortified!! Playing with my earrings, Steven never played with my earrings!! Just like you I thought there is so many other distractions going on around and scratching each others backs is not a huge distraction. Finally I was able to laugh about it and we kept the note so we can remember how silly the whole thing was!! I like to think it is a good thing that Steven and I want to even touch each other because I am sure this lady wishes she had a man scratching her back! Your great Camille!
    Kami

  19. Anonymous says:

    I would like to know if the comment by “LEE” is Lee Garner? WHo is this Lee? Sign your name and put your e mail down so that Granammama can address you personally. I have an answer to your e mail and comments about the “GREATTTTT” Northern COUNTRY of C A N A D A!!!!!! So, if you want a good time publish your info. so I can respond appropriately.
    GRANMAMAMAMMAMAM

  20. Lee says:

    If you want to contact Lee, you just need to click on his name and it will give you his email. And Lee is married to a cousin of Kyle’s.

  21. theycallmeaft says:

    i love how some comments made it sound like scratching each others back is the same thing as “draping” yourselfs all over each other! so dramatic. it’s just a simple back scratch people. funny funny post camille. did you know you could be so controversial?!

    and about the calculator thing…i’m glad you feel better about your name for buying her a new one but it just makes me mad! you didn’t lose it, why should you have to buy a new one?! …you’re a better person than i

  22. Dayna says:

    hey Camille,
    I have started reading your blog, and I have to tell you, you are absolutely hilarious.

  23. Lindsey Burnham says:

    1) People need to get over themselves-especially old ones… you are 100% correct: children screaming is infinitely more distracting than scratching someone’s back.

    2) Commenters also need to get over themselves! Are you kidding me?! If you’re going to post a comment, claim the blasted thing… all this ‘anonymous’ junk is ridiculous! Anyone can post an opinionated comment and be bold without leaving heir name. There’s a place where you can leave your name after leaving your comment. I strongly feel that people should start taking responsibility for their words! Grow up…

  24. Kyrie Shumway says:

    Camille,
    I think you went a little too far by saying that the old hags should die already. Perhaps it should have been worded differently.
    ~Kyrie

  25. Tanner says:

    Becca Flunt…. Lol

  26. jeff says:

    good person,not even a violent person,not a pushover…”rather spiteful letter which, i hope made her feel guilty for being so accusatory”…another cruel person,all of mayberry calls her “Aunt Bea”,…old widow #2 wriggled her way….”Thank you for your opinion”,…i wish all the old hags would die already..to stop muddling the..grandmotherly..i usually enjoy..it didn’t offend me to the point of no return. (ripoff)

    perfectly nice churchgoers….crotchety old crones….POSTED BY CAMILLE. “ripoff”, by jeff.

    an aside to cammy, you’re on thin ice, little girl.

  27. Anonymous says:

    old hags should die? you’re nuts girl. what a mean spirit you have. and nothing you say is funny, usually just tragically flawed. and if you don’t like canada, crawl your way to the border baby. and stop talking out your ass, the stench will destroy your life here, and likely your marriage.

  28. Anonymous says:

    i think she’s funny… looks like a little somebody needs to take a more humorous look at life and stop insulting others

  29. Anonymous says:

    you’re right. i do.
    i regret what i said.

  30. Anonymous says:

    but i still mean it.

    btw, fyi, insulting others is very humorous. isn’t that the theme of this blogspew?
    precious cammi insulting canada, weather, old hags, babies, babysitting, truckers, and whatever the hell else that’s in here i can’t stomach to read,for the amusement of her american audience? note to america, most of canada doesn’t like you either. so, nyaa nyaa, stinkky poo.

  31. Anonymous says:

    what’s a mayberry? do they grow in rascal flatts?

    damn those old widows. they have no husbands, why don’t they just die already?

    teach us your divine wisdom,millie,share all your thoughts with us, you’re so clevr, we love you.

    please please come back to the UNITED SUPER DUPER STATES OF AWESOME AMERICA.

    we can’t survive without you.

  32. Anonymous says:

    backscratching in church? sounds new. maybe the magic underwear needs a wash in the mighty twins.i wish i was there to babysit those darling appliances.

  33. arealcanadian says:

    okay this is getting way too obvious, i think anonymous commentor from march 9 and 11 is the same person, probably the same one who ragged on arizona, in “the 5 C’s”. not just a flake, but genuinely troubled.what’s your problem, whoever you are.i don’t know how you got to this blog, but kindly leave. like i said, we understand camilles humour, and she’s not mean, these are just words describing situations,she means no harm, maybe “hag” was a bit harsh, but she didn’t say it to them. just us.
    you however are insulting her directly with very cruel destructive words, and a filthy mouth. take it somewhere else dude.
    btw, don’t pretend to speak for canada, that’s just not possible. whatever problem you have with the US of A,we know canada doesn’t think like you. does anyone think like you? you seem not to think at all, just lash out. camille, i’m so sorry this nut is attacking you. when you and PK get back home, could you go through and delete this jerks bilespew?
    see you soon, dear

  34. Anonymous says:

    I think all old people are grumpy because they can and they know they will get away with it. When I am 70 my greatest joy will be to nag at younger people. This is only because I know I will be jelous and lets face it who will scream at a poor little lady who will die soon any way.

  35. Anonymous says:

    cool. from what i can tell, that’s the first response to the anniversary announcement.
    sounds like camille incognito, or some other longterm participant, either, or, kicking the dirt.
    i thought i saw a july 14, 2008 comment, dropped ‘tween 2 and 3 pm, somewhere else out there.
    can’t remember though.

    read a good bunch of other posts, most interesting.
    enjoyed the enjoy for yael. thanks for the wiki link. sounds french and israeli i think. she did leave france at 4. aren’t accents fascinating? thinking of the life behind the word?

    ooww here she is, break time. love trombone.

    dated a trumpet player for awhile. trumpetted for the canandian armed forces, he did. (music just slays me).

    well, here’s a turn i’ve been imagining, the whole playlist coming back to function, it’s been disoperative for a few hours.. dang cable slowdown.

    happy happy, c,

    j.

  36. Anonymous says:

    oops, i was wrong, alice was first, at 11:59 post announcement. ask alice.

    happy b’day bloggy.

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