Marriage Warning: Side Effects May Occur

No, I don’t mean anything to do with eggs being fertilised.

I’ve already talked a lot about the lies married people feed soon-to-be-married people: That marriage is hard [when it’s actually impossible], the wedding night is magical [depends on who you are, I guess], and resolving arguments before bed is the only way to make a marriage last [there are lots of other ways], just to name a few.

I am now going to expound on my previous sentiments by shedding the light on another batch of lies. Well I suppose they can’t actually be called lies, per say…more like concealments of the truth. See, I heard a lot of garbage before I got married…garbage about being married [see above]. But there were a lot of things I didn’t hear–things I’ve had to learn the hard way, since nobody thought to clue me in.


Take my newfound sappiness, for example. Nobody told me that after I got married, my brain would become an emotional minefield, daring thoughts to cross, only to set off a land mine–no, a mind mine–with the slightest unpleasant notion. And the consequences are grave: I can explode into hysterical bouts of…feeling…at any given moment, now that I’m married.

It takes very little to set off one of my mind mines–very little. Suddenly now that I am married, the thought of going skydiving (which I have done pre-maritally) fills me with terror beyond reason; I can’t fathom jumping out of a plane anymore–not when I have so much to live for.

Nobody told me that watching movies–even [especially] immensely cheesy movies like P.S. I Love You–would send me into a dangerously depressing spiral of “What if that happens to me?” and “We’ve only been married six months but already I know that if Poor Kyle dies young, I will never be the same,” and “How can life be so hard?? Things are just…so…sad.” Nobody warned me that getting married would cause me to value life–my life, Poor Kyle’s life, our nonexistent children’s lives, my immediate family’s lives, even the little-one-legged-bird-at-Sonic’s life–more than I ever thought I could.

I lived 21 years sleeping in a lovely double bed all alone, but now that I’ve been married (for six months, only), the thought of Poor Kyle leaving me for a two-day road trip to Oregon gives me chills. He left this week (alone this time, so I could stay home and volunteer at the museum), and I stayed up ’till 4 a.m. every night he was gone, just so I could sleep in the next day and make the time go faster.

Pathetic. Not to mention the fact that I gave myself an ulcer worrying that he would die alone, young (dying young seems to be my latest obsessive fear these days), while he was on the road, leaving me to live my life in solitude. So consumed was I with the fear of my husband dying on his way to Oregon, that I could not even carry on a phone conversation without professing to him my infinite love, just in case it turned out to be our last conversation. Again…pathetic.

And now I’m mad (just another emotional mind mine blowing up…pay no attention), because I never agreed to be so sensitive. I didn’t sign up for this kind of co-dependent psycho-babble “I love you I love you I love you” nonsense. I never wanted to care this much.

But I do and it’s done and of course I can’t even bring myself to regret any of it, because that would mean I regret being married, which I do not. And the thought that Poor Kyle might be under the false impression that I regret my life how it is…well, it’s a thought that I cannot bear, in lieu of my recent uncontrollable sappiness.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in change, Married Life, oh brother what next, what I'm about. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Marriage Warning: Side Effects May Occur

  1. Adell Atwood says:

    Oh Camille!

    I thought this would never happen! Who would have guessed that you would have become a BLUE person. (For those of you questioning BLUEness, Google True Colors…) How is this even possible? You and Lindsey both. I just read her engagement story on her blog, and it seems that the two of you are becoming very sappy indeed. Who would have ever guessed?

    I understand about the sappiness, by the way. As an inherent BLUE person myself I can empathize. When Clint and I first got married I worried all the time about sentiments such as yours. In fact, I became paranoid about driving on those freeway overpasses because I was CONVINCED that they were going to collapse and kill us both. (Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have told you that. Now it’s just one more thing to add to your list.) I got over it, though, and am just fine now.

  2. Todd & Jenny says:

    I feel your pain. I hate when Todd goes out of town, and I’m so much more emotional now…. with everything. So, I need your email address so I can send you that link and info on the bag you asked about. Send me an email – jennyleefairbanks (at) gmail (dot) com… or just leave a msg on my blog. It was so fun to see you and Kyle, even if only for a few minutes. It sure was a crazy but great weekend!

  3. Anonymous says:

    yeah, caring’s a drag sometimes. i wish i had someone in my life to care about the way you care about pk.
    i heard you learnt somewhere how to make pancakes,and made them for kylo last night. is it true, lr’s recipe has walnuts in it. i’ve never heard of that.
    learning a familiar meal to make for your hubby…these and other caring behaviours will be your lot for eternity. but the fullness of heart that comes with love, far outweighs the worrisome moments of love. you’re certainly up to the task, Camille.

  4. Anonymous says:

    just wait until you have kids.

  5. Steven and Kami Palmer says:

    Camille,
    I feel the same way about Steven, especially since we lost our daughter. I tell him all the time to please not die and leave me here by myself. I just couldn’t handle that. I have a hard time sleeping when Steven’s gone too. I just love that man so much I just can’t be without him!
    Kami

  6. Anonymous says:

    how sweet! i know how you feel about the being-scared-that-someone-is-going-to-die-whenever-they-are-not-with-you syndrome. i’ve had it many times myself:)

  7. Anonymous says:

    aint it true

    marriage is the best

  8. Anonymous says:

    inlaw alberta family loves camille.
    we are trying our darndest to show it.sometimes not well. we apologise.
    you, her first family and friends, have been so kind to us. what a wonderfully loving person you have shared with us. please visit anytime, our doors are open.

  9. Lindsey Burnham says:

    Adell is right, it IS happening to both of us! Who would have ever guessed… And Camille you’re right. It’s a good thing–a very good thing, yet at the same time it is hard, especially when they have to leave… (weather that be for 2 days to Oregon or 3 months to Texas).

  10. Leavitt Family says:

    Camille, try having a husband who leaves at all hours of the night for work and has a serious problem with falling asleep at the wheel. I know how you feel. For the first year of our marriage I always worried about Buck when we weren’t together. Plus, I can’t even count, the nights alone because he was hunting, and not to mention the once a month scout camp out. And don’t get me wrong, I still worry, but I have a little more faith now. And you will see that when you have been married longer, you will enjoy a night by yourself once and a while.

  11. A Letter To Kayleen says:

    are these side effects from “marriage” or side effects from “the pill” (aka. satan himself.)

    don’t get me wrong, i love all the no babies it results in. but is being baby-free really worth me hating my life and everyone in it?

    somedays, yes.

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