My Version of a Pre-Nup

Expert Blindspots–my older sister was telling me about them today. At 6 months pregnant and after quitting her job as an high school English teacher to stay home with her growing embryo, she has nevertheless found herself in another full-time contract (teaching online, but still 40 hours a week. She just doesn’t seem to want to slow down). But I digress. Adell was explaining to me the theory of Expert Blindspots, which is the phenomenon of becoming so educated and immersed in any one subject that a person becomes completely incapable of teaching others about said subject. In effect, it’s when someone cannot remember a time before they were so smart; a person is so familiar with the inner workings of, say, trigonometry, that she cannot lower her level of thinking enough to teach it. [I took a class like that once.]

It got me thinking, though…I wonder if Poor Kyle has known me for so long and at so close a level (best friend status, essentially) that he has acquired an Expert Blindspot in the vast topic of Me.

I’m mostly being serious about this.

There are so many things that I am sure he knows about me, but has ignored (or tolerated) for 2 years in the name of “let’s-get-married-already!” [Romantic, I know.] The way I suck air through the crevices of my teeth to make sure they’re free of obstructions, for example…

I can’t stand the thought that he might not know exactly what he’s in for; I make it a habit never to corner people or obligate them, without at least giving fair warning. And with only 19 days to go, I think now is a good time to get all the potential-bliss-hindrances out in the open.

Reasons Poor Kyle Might Consider Reconsidering…
1. It is a well-known fact that I only shower when necessary. I find showering a terrible inconvenience. I rarely smell (opting instead to layer on the deodorizers) but Adell nags me at least once a week to “wash your hair! Mercy!”

Look at my hair. He knows–I know he knows–but then, why does he still look so happy? Blinded, I’m sure of it.

2. I have tendencies towards Green. Not the kind of Green that deems I buy only organic vegetables. It’s moreso geared towards our planet’s poor little ozone, manifested by way of carpooling and driving eco-conscious vehicles. I wonder if this might bother him when it comes time to buy either an SUV or a minivan (though I think a swell compromise would be a Hybrid SUV).

3. I like Target altogether more than I should. And I am very easily swayed to rationalise spending money there. Especially on orange-stickered clearance items.

4. My least favourite chore is mopping. Our future house is floored completely in wood laminate and tile. Does he realise the implications of this ill-fated favour?

5. If given the adequate resources and time, I could–and would–eat a tomato sandwich and a whole dill pickle every day of my life.

6. My face is finicky. Her Majesty the Skin will explode (literally) if I do not stick to a strict hygienic regimen. I learned this my first year at ASU, when I became liberalised (all but my pores, that is). Between washing, exfoliating, cleansing, toning, flossing, brushing, gurgling, tweezing, moisturizing, and the occasional pep-talk (“Come on, Mt. Vesuvius…be gone! Lay dormant!”), it can take me well over 20 minutes to get ready for bed. He knows it, but does he really know?

7. I have worse-than-poor vision, and each year at the optometrist’s office, I’m diagnosed with an increasingly critical prescription. Contacts cost several hundred dollars for my prematurely aging eyes, and what’s more dismal is that I am not even a candidate for Lasik. Translation: How much is our co-pay? We might as well add it to our list of yearly expenditures, along with groceries, fuel, and flood insurance.

Seven seems like a good (and slightly ominous) number at which to stop. Poor Kyle, you are to be pitied, I think. Weigh your options; evaluate them well, and above all, consider yourself warned.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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14 Responses to My Version of a Pre-Nup

  1. Anonymous says:

    Millie, there’s no gettin gout of it. Stop trying to talk Kyle out of marrying you…You know he absolutely ADORES you. Anyone can see that merely by the look of adoration that adorns his face whenever you enter a room. Nope, he’s stuck. I would venture to say that all these ubiquitous caveats will do nothing more than increase his growing adoration for you. Am I right, Mr. Worthington?

  2. Lindsey Burnham says:

    I have to agree with Adell. Kyle it more than gone. I do believe he not only TOLERATES you, but as Adell put it ADORES you. But no need to put words in Kyle’s mouth…

  3. linda rae says:

    Poor Kyle’s mother would have to concur…the boy is besotted. I do believe he loves you more than all of his toys put together.

    And you KNOW how many toys he has had over the years.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I agree with the showering. I find it the worst possible chore ever! It is way to time consuming in my busy life. Can’t I just wake up clean and refreshed? Maybe you should ask Kyle to post his flaws too! Everone has ’em we’d be boring without ’em. ~A

  5. Cristin Lassen says:

    I had a hard time believing anyone would marry me because I occasionally picked my nose and never painted my nails… I guess there really is someone for everyone.

  6. Raygon says:

    oh camille, you are too funny. all those things you listed are probably the things that kyle finds the most endearing about you! they are what make you – you! you know what a hair critic i can be, and i think you have fabulous hair by the way. so does adell…what did your mom feed you when you were little?
    anyway, you are the greatest and kyle is lucky to have you!

  7. Jennifer says:

    Camille,
    How funny. I just found your blog on this, the very same day that I got your wedding announcement. Congratulations! You guys look great together. And I loved your pre-nup list… Though you should probably add a number eight- that if anything bad should happen, he will have to face the wrath of the Hosick. :)

    Anyway, great to see you here in the blogworld. And Adell, if you are reading this, congratulations on the upcoming baby!

    -Jennifer (Ward)

  8. Loralee Choate says:

    OMG. SEE? Your email was fortuetous. We are supposed to be friends. With the exception of the Green thing (I don’t object, I’m just L-A-Z-Y) the others are fairly dead on.

    Especially Target.

    We don’t have one in Cache Valley. Oh, no..the powers that be think a SECOND WALDEMORT is essential.

    Weep. Wail. Gnashing of teeth.

  9. Loralee Choate says:

    Yah..that should have been “fortuitous”. Duh.

  10. Anonymous says:

    C
    I LOVE YOUR FLAWS!! I wish mine were that intersting and entertaing!

  11. lindser-lou says:

    This blog has just made it to my top 5 list of favorites…i was laughing so hard when i finished reading this….

    and i feel the need to write a poem,
    possibly entitled “Woe unto Kyle, A poor and unknowing soul”

    and camille, i feel like you and i are kindred spirits, in the way that we both hate to shower, are obsessed with Target and have a very annoying habit of checking/cleaning our teeth.

    you know….now that i think about it…i have never even met Kyle!
    So i can give no opinion on the subect of whether he tolerates vs. adores you….
    but i’m sure it’s the later.

  12. Melenie says:

    This was a fun one to read. I have to tell you, though… if I was in Kyle’s position, I’d be fine with all of this, except possibly the tomato sandwich and whole dill pickle. That’s just, well, kinda gross.

  13. LetterToKayleen says:

    lol. yeah that was owie. i was selling there and couldn’t find a sitter. he was barefoot and people kept bringing him to me saying, “he’s telling me his feet hurt.” hahaha. i just told them, “he’s lying to you. now go set him back down where all the broken plates are.”

    that kid has no fear of strangers. he was all over that place like he owned it. crazy kid.

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