{My Worst Nightmare: Permanently Dilated to a 10}

Pardon me for the tardy post. While Poor Kyle is gone (having commandeered my laptop for use on the open road), I have been forced to do my daily computions (computations?) on his desktop iMac. Which is a lovely machine, only the office chair isn’t very comfortable. And his keyboard is stiff and consequently an un-inspiring piece of equipment; I have to push really firmly on e-a-c-h a-n-d e-v-e-r-y k-e-y to get the letters up on the screen. It’s hard.

On top of which, I have dedicated 15 of the past 30 hours to planting a garden. Sowing the seeds of summertime savours. [The 15 hours of solitary labour have left me waxing rather poetic, no?] At any rate, I was far too sore to sit at a desk for any extended period of time this morning–the only place I could have typed was from the comfort of my own bed. But without my laptop, that would have proven rather difficult. So I didn’t post.

But I have had a lot of time to think about today’s topic, and I’m pretty sure I’m right on the mark with this one.

The Duggar Family. Who here has heard of these 19 people, 17 of whom have exited one (read: 1) solitary woman’s body (with baby #18 on the way)? Anyone? I watched a two-hour special about them on Discovery Channel a few months ago one midnight when Poor Kyle was grinding his teeth so loudly I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish, though, because when the program was finished, I really couldn’t sleep. Kept waking up with horrible nightmares of myself being permanently dilated to a 10.

*Photo from here.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I saw recaps of this same family giving an interview on TODAY. I was reminded of my permanently-dilated nightmares, and after 15 hours of stewing over the Duggars, they’ve very nearly become a full-blown fascination.

There’s so much I would delightfully criticise about this family. Like the husband, Jim Bob, who goes by Jim Bob. Seriously. Why not scratch the “Bob?” Or heck, go crazy and lose the “Jim?” Of course, Jim Bob couldn’t drop the “Jim,” because then his name wouldn’t match all 17 of his childrens’ names: Joshua, Jana & John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah & Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and Jennifer.

The sad thing (well, one of many, I suppose), is that the mother’s name is…brace yourselves…Michelle. Michelle! I don’t know about you, but for me, being the only “M” in a sea of “Js” would be bothersome. Call me obsessive, but that dadgum “M” really gets on my nerves. If I were her, I’d probably need major Prozac™, for one. And also, I would go ahead and change my name to “Jichelle.” I mean, since they’re already taking so many other liberties. After all, they changed a “T” to a “J” to make up Jessa’s name, and a “G” to a “J” for poor Jinger, who must be awfully confused right about now.

Jichelle got married when she was 16 or 17 (I forget which, but one’s as bad as the other), and has been pregnant an estimated 135 months since then. One hundred thirty-five months. I cannot even imagine. They are a very spiritual bunch of people, praising God for his 17 blessings. That’s respectable, of course–it’s certainly not what I would be saying to the Good Lord if He saw fit to “bless” me so generously. But that’s beside the point.

I could have a field day with all of this. I could. I would like to say all these mean things about the Duggar family, but it’s difficult, because they seem like truly good people. They seem to value family matters and proper manners. They seem too decent to be criticised for their vast existence. They seem so…on national television, anyway, and we know how easily T.V. can be digitally remastered and formatted to fit your screen…

…but I’m intrigued. Here’s what I think: I think the Duggars need someone unbiased in their house (what’s one more human being, right?) for a few weeks–maybe even a month–to properly assess the situation. No film crew, just a single outsider to live like a Duggar, and then report to the rest of the world what it’s really like in there. And I think I’m just the person to do it. I am a spiritual person and would respect their beliefs, dig in and carry my weight around the house, befriend Jichelle (though I would have to schedule my one-on-one time with her, just like everybody else), and write about it. That way, the minds of Americans all across the country can be put to rest. People can decide, once and for all, if the Jim Bob, Jichelle, and their 17+ children are stalwart enough to make up for their astronomical carbon footprint.

Any newspapers looking for an ace field reporter to join the ranks? I’m ready for action, as long as the Duggars allow laptops into their barracks.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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15 Responses to {My Worst Nightmare: Permanently Dilated to a 10}

  1. angela hardison says:

    Oh man. I saw them on the Today show (for the first time) and to be honest, I haven’t stopped thinking about it either. I kept telling everyone about it because I just don’t understand. I grew up in a family of 9 kids… I canNOT imagine that number being doubled.

    I’m all for you joining their ranks and giving us the real deal.

  2. Melissa says:

    okay I’m cracking up! Jichelle!! That family is pretty amazing. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have so many children. They have their own little compound.

  3. Anonymous says:

    didn’t brigham young have a heck load o’ chillens? several houses worth?
    i hope their names didn’t all begin with b.

  4. Mikelle says:

    I, too, have watched numerous TV specials about this family. They seem like great people….I just don’t think I could spend, literally, my whole adult life being pregnant! Sick!

    Have you looked at their house? While it’s HUGE, all the girls share a bedroom, and all the boys share a bedroom. I always wonder why they would do it that way. I have a hard enough time sharing with 1 person, let alone 7 or 8 others!

  5. Cristin says:

    Being permanently dialated to a 10 does not sound painful to me (it’s the getting to that point that hurts) – it’s the pushing part that would be horrific.

    But really – I mean – good for them if they want to have that many kids, I could never do it. I am all for your idea of going inside their house, but I think it would take more than a few weeks to see how they really live. Remember that guy that did the expose on Michael Jackson? He spent ONE WHOLE YEAR with the man. It takes a while for people to act like themselves.

  6. Kim & Jason says:

    I’m all for you joining up with the Duggars, I would love to hear how it really is.

    My perspective on it is that as long as the parents are able to provide for these children and raise healthy and responsible adults who contribute positively to society, it doesn’t matter how many children they may have.

    However, there are some who may have only one child and should not be parents at all, raising children in terrible and abusive environments who turn out to be monsters in our society. By monsters, I mean those that molest, rape, murder..who don’t have any moral conscious whatsoever.

  7. theycallmeaft says:

    i think they’re all a little crazy! a little TOO sweet, TOO nice ya know?! i just want to set one of those teenagers down and tell them they don’t have to go along with all of this! they don’t have to wear matching colored polos everywhere they go! but then i think about how they are a good family. like the comment above, at least all these kids didn’t go to a truly horrid home. at least they’re cared for. at least they’re kind and good people. but still couldn’t they at least pretend to be living in the year 2008? i mean that mother’s hair?! come on now.

  8. lindser-lou says:

    this is too weird…i just spent the last 2 1/2 hours of my morning reading articles about these people on msn news…only to come to your blog to see them pop up again! crazy….

    But i agree with Afton…it’s not so much the number of kids, but the mom’s hair, that kills me.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I have often been fascinated with them myself. I’ve wondered (jealously, I suppose) how they get all 17 of those kids to be such perfect children and all. It seems a little unnatural to me. Maybe it just runs in the genes. It would be great for you to do an expose on them. Maybe you could find out they really drug all their kids or the kids are just too scared to do anything wrong or they would be beat within an inch of their lives. Or maybe the rest of us are just bad parents.

  10. Anonymous says:

    haha these people are insane! i would love to hear about their lives from you!

  11. Anonymous says:

    the word is afoot. the fans want an expose.

  12. RatalieNose says:

    You’re hired.

  13. Jami says:

    the 80’s called and wanted her hair back!!!! I hate people like them….I hate being pregnate, and I hate people that love it! It is a JOKE! I loved this post!

  14. Zach and Whitney says:

    Camille I love when you post things like this. I am always too scared to but I feel the same way you do. I mean come on!!! What does the dad do for a living to be able to provide for all these humans!? Im sure the are going right to the celestial kingdom though… crap!

  15. Anonymous says:

    three most important words in heaven?
    exaltation, exaltation, exaltation.

    slight warning, they breed a lot there.
    hmm. does one continue to offspring in the top layer?

    or are the multiple wives for dishes and garden, barefoot and abloom.

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