None of this would have happened if I had just said “No.”

The negative repercussions of going out of town for 12 hours times eight:

1.  Massive piles of dirty laundry to tackle when I get home.

2.  Unloading the vehicle in the kitchen and pretty much heading straight for bed—leaving the mess for tomorrow morning (which is now today {go figure}).

3.  Worrying briefly about my abandoned garden, until I remember I never planted a garden this year.

4.  Mourning the tomatoes I won’t be growing and won’t be canning for the upcoming winter.  I hoard food, you know—at least, I would if I had grown any to hoard.

5.  Realising that I need to phone in a refill for my prescription contraceptive medication, like, NOW.

6.  Getting accosted by the lady on the phone at the doctor’s office:

Lady:  When was the last time you had a PAP?


Me:  Ummm…  What?

Lady:  A PAP?  A PAP smear?

Me:  Ummm…2007.

Lady:  2007?!?!  Well, Dr. So-and-so wants all his female patients within childbearing range to have a yearly PAP…

Me:  I’ll bet he does, lady. Great.  This is just great.  Ummm, okay.  I guess I need one, then.

Lady:  You can come see him or you can go to a female, if you’d prefer.

Lady:  I choose female.  I stick with my own kind, thankyouverymuch.  [Also, Poor Kyle’s family doctor happens to be a lifelong family friend, who I see at church socials and town parades and everything else imaginable {curse Mayberry and other small towns throughout the world!} which is just awkward for me, knowing he’s looked up my girly bits.]

Lady:  All right.  How’s tomorrow?

Me:  Tomorrow?  Heavens to Betsy, I need more time!  Time to prepare!  I need at least a week to blog about this!  I need to work up a solid, frenzied panic! Okay, that will be fine.

Lady:  We’ll see you at ten o’ clock, then.

Me:  Okay.  But, ummm…

Lady:  Yes?

Me:  …Can I still have my birth control?

speculumOh, dear…  The things I do for my lifeblood pills.  Next thing you know, I’ll be an honest-to-goodness crack whore.  A Yasmin™ whore.

So you see, my friends, bad things happen when I go out of town unexpectedly.  Tomorrow morning I’ll be getting a metal CONTRAPTION shoved up my crotch, and while she’s at it, she’ll go ahead and scrape out the inside bits.  The last time this happened, I cried.  Real, true, giant, wet tears.  Streaming down my face. My makeup was ruined.  My entire body was shaking—literally, quivering.  All over.  Every joint.


And how was your week?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in fiascos, health and vitality, Married Life, oh brother what next, what a nightmare, woe is me and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to None of this would have happened if I had just said “No.”

  1. First!

    I’m so so sorry you have to go to the gyno… That’s NEVER fun. But at least you’ll get it over with and have a WHOLE year pap free.

  2. Anonymous says:

    While she’s in there you could get something more permanent than pills… Just an idea.

  3. Joel says:

    I sure am glad that my man parts don’t require the effort that your girly bits do. PAPs have always sounded like such an uncomfortable ordeal. That thing looks like a duck bill. That’s what they use to see, huh? Looks comfy!

  4. hahaha. I have never been very bothered by these exams. And you know how you hear about pregnant ladies being FREAKED out by their “EXAMS” when they are only a few weeks away from delivery? Those never bugged me either… lol…. but i think i is more of a mentally scary thing…

    I also always have man gyno’s. For me, having another woman look at my parts actually disturbs me more… At least a man doesn’t have one of his own to “compare” it to… lol.

    I guess this comment just shows how different we are… im a weirdo. (which is why my avatar has three eyes and 3 curly hairs coming out of its head).

    I tried to figure out how to change it, and still cant figure it out… *sighs* i guess I will just embrace its strangeness…

  5. jacque says:

    Eek! I have to schedule that appointment too and I’ve been putting it off for.. well a long time. I share your pain in going out of town and coming home to a mess. I haven’t done laundry for almost 2 weeks and I’m surprised I even have clothes to wear!

  6. Whitney says:

    OH its not that bad! After doing the nasty you cant even feel it anymore. Wait till you squeeze a human out your lady bits and then it wont be a big deal at all… by then everyone has seen your lady bits.

  7. Rachel says:

    Please accept my most heartfelt sympathies on the trauma of the annual Pap. I’d say bring some tequila for before and after, but you follow the WoW just like me so I would suggest chocolate.

  8. niki says:

    man…those are two of some of the worst things ever…

    coming home from vaycay is never fun.

    and pap smears are true torture!

    it was funny to read about the day before your very first one…i totally remember how freakin scared i was for mine.

    they never get better i tell ya…i got a pap smear just before i switched ob’s and my new dr. was like, “well, i guess i don’t need to do another pap but i am going to have to check down there, just so i know what i’m working with.” i was pretty pissed. twice in like two weeks…oh, and let’s not forget the vaginal ultra sound i had that same week…pregnancy only makes those kinds of things more frequent…but never less awkward!

  9. Cristin says:

    I heard a rumor that if you go Planned Parenthood, they will give you those pills without a necessary Pap. But maybe it’s just a rumor.

  10. Jethro says:

    EEEWW! And, OW!
    (Hey Joel, wait until you hit 40, if you have a yearly physical, you’ll have a yearly prostate check.)

  11. Dutch girl says:

    I had my first pap smear last month – and I’m 32, can you imagine? (and I’m on the pill since ages.. I initially took it as a medicine for the excruciating pain every month) I was a bit nervous, but it only took a couple of minutes and the nurse was very nice. The key word is: relax! :-)

  12. malia says:

    OH dear, those lifeblood pills! haha

    My first pap was awful, i bled and cried. Wow, TMI much? My second was much much better…but still awkward. Niki’s comment up there made me cringe regarding pregnancy though.

    Tell me about the vacation thing. Just got back from Mexico, leaving for Lake Powell in an hour, coming home for four days and then leaving to Vegas. And did I mention I’m packing our entire house to move to Boston in three? gross.

  13. Lindsay says:

    i’m getting my hair cut tomorrow at 10. this is probably the first time ever that i’m actually glad to be me and not you….

  14. Christal says:

    yuck thats all I have to say oh and i’m sorry that sucks!!! for real!

  15. DeAnna says:

    If you have a high tech Dr. they have plastic instead of metal that they get to shove up yonder. I had one of those high-tech Dr. once upon a time. Too bad I still don’t. I am procrastinating getting my yearly one done, only two and a half years Good luck!

  16. raygon says:

    good luck! mind over matter, Camille. You can do this….

  17. mameelynn says:

    Never much fun! I know how it is in Mayberry and having to see your Dr sitting on the stand at church…. Never any fun!! The exams have never bugged or hurt me (even during labor) but knowing how scary the idea of having a baby is to you I’m sure this is just a step towards hell…. I’ll never forget the terrified look that crossed my poor husbands face at our first pre-natal appointment when they pulled out the duckbill….He was like you are putting that where?! I laughed so hard I was crying!! Good luck!

  18. RatalieNose says:

    I’m kinda glad I don’t understand any of this….

  19. Hannah says:

    O boy… I really dislike going to the gyno… Just wait till you’re pregnant. I’ve never been on bc and hence why I’ve been pregnant or nursing our whole marriage. Good times. After you have a baby they have you schedule a pap for 6 months I canceled both of them, I mean geez they saw down there for 9 months do you think anything is going to change in 6 months.. I need a break.

  20. Boy30 says:

    Peter Hedges wrote the screenplay adapted from his 1991 novel of the same name. ,

  21. Shirley says:

    I’m on my last month of my prescription…the darn doctor only gave me a year so I’d HAVE to come in again. I’m terrified. I cried last year. And the nurse held my hand.

  22. amber says:

    Ugh, I feel your pain girl. Our photos kills me! This one is too cute. My exact expression too. My sister had a truly awful pap experience (her first one!) and it actually traumatized her, because the woman doing it (yes, she who had a vagina herself!) was so rough and unkind and wouldn’t stop when my sister said to. It’s cause so many problems…truly. So ever since, crotch docs, are my enemy. :(

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