I’ve never seen a Superbowl game in my life before last night. (Come to think of it, I’ve never sat through, and paid attention to, an entire football game. Ever. [I have a very short attention span.])
Last night, however, when my home team made it to the game, I knew they were counting on me to root for them. They needed me, and I wasn’t about to fail them…
…I only wish they’d paid me the same consideration.
We lost, and it was a very bitter loss for me—I had no concept in my head that they would lose. I just…couldn’t fathom it. It’s not that I am a die-hard Cardinals fan; I’m not and I never have been. It’s just that, well, they’re representing me. To all these Canadians up here, the Cardinals = Camille. Arizona = Arizona. And so, while I’ve never had anything to do with the Cardinals before, I didn’t feel guilty cheering for them because they’d never had anything to do with me, either. (That’s the way I use logic: logically.)
Anyway, it was a total bust. The Cardinals lost, which tells Canadians that I am a loser, because of the aforementioned equation. I did manage to come away from it with some interesting observations, however—stuff I’d never known before because I’d never cared before:
1. There are aspects of football that look very much like ballet.
That man in yellow tights, Santonio Holmes, caught the ball and did all the right things to make it a touchdown. If you were watching the game, you—like I—might have noticed how gracefully he caught the ball and fell, while keeping his twinkle-toes planted firmly on the turf. I guess that’s important, but to me it just looked beautiful. All images from FoxSports.com.
2. Long hair is spectacular in still-motion shots.
At first I couldn’t figure out why so many players had grown out their hair long—didn’t it get in the way? Was it some sort of Samson and Delilah situation? A good luck charm? But it all became clear to me as I watched the same plays over and over, in slow motion: they grow it out so it will look cool. That hair is amazing, flipping and flouncing around in all its football glory. Larry Fitzgerald (above) and Troy Polamalu (below) have the right idea.
3. Those cheerleaders still exist? They must not know how worthless they are…
I don’t know how much those women get paid to wear white knee-high boots with long sleeves and a mini skirt (it’s like they can’t decide what weather to dress for, so they are covered for some of each), but it’s undoubtedly more than they’re worth. Last night, I watched almost every second of the game and the commercials, and I saw only ONE clip of cheerleaders. Do they really think the players can hear their cheers over the loud, drunken millions from the stadium seats? Do they think the cameras are going to be rolling on their perfect bodies instead of the actual game? Seriously. In these hard economic times, I’m surprised the team owners haven’t saved themselves some cash and dropped these women already. I don’t think the cheerleaders realise how pointless their job actually is. Poor them…
4. It’s really quite exhausting.
This man had just run from one end of the field to the other (100 yards), with the football in his arms, dodging obstacle after muscle-faced obstacle, to score a touchdown. I wasn’t cheering for his team, but I was nevertheless quite impressed. I was tired just from the screaming, so I can’t really imagine how he must’ve felt.
All in all, though I really enjoyed my game-watching experience with Poor Kyle and the Poor In-Laws, I don’t think I’ll ever do it again for two reasons: First, I will only ever care about it if the Cardinals make it again, which is doubtful. And secondly, if they do make it, I’ll just get my hopes up and they’ll fail me again. I can’t take that kind of disappointment in my life.
But hey, how about The Office? That was a nice bonus for all my hard work.