Oh, ye of little faith.

Now that I’ve committed to Yoga (at least once per week for the next couple of months, anyway), I’m trying hard to do my best at it. I mean, even though the class I signed up for is fairly inexpensive as far as most yoga classes go, I still want to get my Poor Kyle’s money’s worth. Money is money, right?

So I’ve been going every week, and trying to do the poses all professional-like, but the thing is…

…I’m too suspicious for yoga.

See, every week at the end of the hour-long class, we do a series of extended relaxation-stretches. Gradually, one pose at a time, we work our bodies down into sitting cross-legged, and then stretching our legs straight out, and ultimately lying on our backs with our eyes closed and arms to the sides.  We’re supposed to really sink into the pose, trying to let the mat just swallow our bodies whole, like quicksand.

It’s all very relaxing.

Or so I’m told.

Unfortunately for me, I grew up in a big city during the late ’90s when gang violence was at its peak, and as a consequence, I don’t trust anything. Ever. So lying there on my back with my eyes closed in a room full of women who are supposedly doing the exact same thing?

That doesn’t work for me.

I get all twitchy—I can’t keep my eyes fully closed because I keep expecting someone to come up and kick me. It’s like that feeling when your eyes are closed and you know the person next to you has just plucked a hair from her own head and is, at that very moment, preparing to gently brush it across your nose and tickle you—it’s most unsettling.  Every week when I’m supposed to be relaxing, I am a bundle of nerves wondering if anyone is sneaking laxatives into my water bottle or trying to steal my iPod™ from my purse.  (It would be an ideal time, if you think about it. All those health-conscious women dressed in Lululemon™ gear surely don’t go far without their iPods™ in tow. I know I don’t. I would steal my iPod™ if I were me.)

It’s so ridiculous, too, because if there were ever a town where my iPod™ would be safe from thieving yogis, Mayberry is it. But I can’t stop thinking that THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT ME TO THINK. Shame on the Mayberrians, lulling me into a false sense of yoga security just so you can steal my iPod™.

So you see, I’m pretty much hopeless.

The sad thing is that I think I could be good at yoga, if only my mind wasn’t thwarting me like this.

Mind over matter, Camille.  Mind over matter.

(Famous last words.)

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in Canada, failures, fiascos, health and vitality, It's All Good, mediocrity, oh brother what next, Recreation. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Oh, ye of little faith.

  1. Alyssa says:

    I had a really hard time clearing my mind during yoga for my first whole year of doing it. One day, it just clicked, and now my mind completely goes to yoga automatically as soon as my class starts. It will happen when you least expect it.

  2. Good for you for at least going and trying. I’ve been trying to learn to meditate for quite a while now and have a really hard time letting the thoughts out of my mind. Plus, I often feel like a total goober sitting there which doesn’t help.

  3. Liz says:

    You’re so funny.

    I have a hard time relaxing to Yoga on my living room floor. I always find myself thinking, “Okay, is it done yet??” I doubt I’d be able to relax and let go in a room full of strangers!

  4. Casey says:

    I’ve only been to one yoga class, and I couldn’t relax either! It felt like trying to lie down in a weight room or on a volleyball court to relax after a workout. NOT happening. I am sure it will get to the point where you can relax… probably just takes some getting used to!

  5. Maureen says:

    Oh, shavasana (or however it’s spelled), that’s the best part! In my yoga class, the teacher says, if a thought comes into your head, just recognize it as a thought and let it go. It’s really hard to do but I think it’s gotten easier over time. The best time to do yoga is during a break between something boring like work and then you’ll be like YAY yoga! And you’ll want to stop thinking about all that other crap.

  6. geevz says:

    Like everyone said it takes practice. I have trouble letting go sometimes so I focus on mentally controlling my heart rate. I try and make it as slow as possible. Totally works too. Did it once in college during our Gen Med class and my Prof freaked when I got it to 43. Without a goal I go through my grocery list : /

  7. anna says:

    I was never aware of the gang violence surge in Mesa in the 90’s.

    But I can sympathize with you on being skeptical… although mine might be more appropriately referred to as paranoia.

    Good luck.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Love it! These are more of the kinds of posts I want to see here. I totally sympathize with you. Ever since Law and Order: Special Victims’ Unit came into my life I am paranoid. Good thing we didn’t grow up in Phoenix! We’d really be screwed.

  9. Rachel says:

    And that, my friend, is why I do yoga in the comfort of my own home! I’m not so afraid they’ll steal my iPod. It’s an older version and there are much cooler ones. It’s that I’m self-conscious about controting my body all crazy like in front of others. I have this odd notion that everybody will be more fixated on my horrid physique and lack of skill than doing the poses themselves.

  10. chelsie says:

    I am the same way! I don’t trust anyone. . . At work there are no lockers or safe areas for purses and it has taken me months to leave it all alone in the office (when I leave for something ) without feeling trepidation. And on the light rail. I can’t close my eyes if i don’t have my bag looped around my arm and the other one on top of it. there will be no slipping something in me or away from me! STRANGER DANGER!!!

  11. RatalieNose says:

    Only you would think of this.
    And that, is why we are friends.

  12. Christal says:

    you are so funny I love our class! don’t worry I’m not thinking of staling or sneaking anything off or in so relax a little more next week k!!! I love your blog!!

  13. TeamHaynes says:

    Talking about that pose makes me miss yoga so much. I just think it was my imagination really. And being tired. Most of the time I would stay up way too late the night before doing last minute homework and such so by the time the session was ending, I was all about laying down and relaxing. If I wasn’t tired, my brain was running. I would think about seeing Taylor (because this was when I was living in Sacramento) over the weekend, what I would have for lunch, the next book to read. I thought about everything. It really helped me focus and think about my day.
    I’m sorry it isn’t the case for you. Rapist sure can suck the confidence out of any self respecting woman. I would say stick with it. I think you’ll be surprised how focused your mind can get as you work through the class. Heck, even if you still get freaked about creepers, at least you know you have the dead weight move! That thing is AWESOME!

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