“Piece of cake” is such a farce.

It seems impossible that July is halfway gone.  You know what that means, right?  August is looming, and what a wretched thought that is.  I really hate August. The only good thing about this upcoming August is that my family will be visiting for the first bit of it.  I enjoy having house guests, especially the familial sort.

Family Wedding PhotoThese guys are all great, but the real highlight of their visit is going to be my fat little nephew (not pictured {he was baking in my sister’s oven at the time this photograph was taken}).

Toddler on SlideOh wait, there he is.  Dang, he’s cute.

After August comes September, of course.  That means school will start and mercy, won’t that be like biting into a cupcake filled with rancid dog crap and fermenting maggots.  With a cherry on top.

Can you tell I’m a bit depressed to see summer coming to an end?  Poor Kyle thinks it’s crazy that August is so life-sucking to me, but he comes from a place where school doesn’t start until September.  He’s never known the two-ton dread of back-to-school sorrows that native Arizonans do.

pallet of bricksMy back-to-school sorrows feel about like this.  Image from here.

In honour of the impending doom, I skipped town last week.  I went with Poor Kyle on a business trip to Oregon for a good dose of soul soothing.  I always feel healed after being in Oregon.  It’s like chicken soup for the soul, Oregon is.  That’s what I’ve always said.

Unfortunately, I didn’t feel inspired or motivated to take any photographs on my trip.  I was in a bad way after falling off the detox wagon, and I felt sick to my stomach most of the trip.  I kept eating Butterfingers™, too, which really didn’t help the situation.  And I don’t even like Butterfingers™, because of the mysterious ingredient that never fails to bind my teeth together and give me lock jaw after every chew.  Stupid Butterfingers™.  What a worthless candy bar.  I’m a fool for eating them.

So yeah, I detoxed for three or four days until I became overwhelmed by a few home improvement projects around the house, and then all hell broke loose.  I was eating Subway (the sandwiches, not the establishment) and drinking DDP like the world was going to end.  I didn’t exercise on account of being dead-dog tired every night from hours’ worth of painting.  I didn’t even wash my face for three days in a row.  And yes, more than one pimple reared its ugly head in revolt.

I fully expect to try the detox again someday, though.  Maybe in August.  It’s not like life could get any worse by then, right?  I hate August.

And just to make you smile, here is photographic evidence of my most recent attempt at a lovely layered cake.  Did you know I have a vast collection of ADORABLE cake plates—I mean truly, I own some of the cutest cake stands known to man—and never once have I made a cake worthy of my stands?  And believe you me, it’s not for lack of trying.  I just suck, is all.

Failed Cake 2

Failed Cake 3

I’ve never understood why people say “piece of cake,” if they expect a task to be easy.  It’s like “a walk in the park.”  I don’t LIKE walking in parks—it wears me out, quite frankly.  And creating a lovely, proportioned, not-too-sweet-but-not-too-dense-and-heaven-forbid-not-too-dry PIECE OF CAKE is really no piece of cake at all.  It’s one of my lifelong culinary foes.  Twenty {nearly} three years old, and I can’t bake a nice-looking cake to save my dadgum life.

Failed Cake 4

It was more like a mound of crumbs slathered with frosting (delicious frosting, at least) than an actual cake.  My mother-in-law said, and I quote, “I’ve never seen anything like it.  I’ve never seen a person make such awful cakes.”  It was her birthday cake, so I guess she had a right to say that—anyway, it’s not like I had deceived myself into thinking it looked good.  It was fugly and there’s no denying it.

Sigh. It got to the point where I could either cry or laugh about my epic fail, so I cried and then laughed, and now I’m blogging.  (Those are the three steps to grieving, you know: Cry about it, laugh about it, and finally, blog about it.  Works like a charm.)

At least the cake stand is lovely.  Money can’t buy me cake baking skills, but nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents can score an ultra-sweet cake stand to keep me in denial about it.

Failed Cake 5

Failed Cake 7 Stupid August—it’s looming ahead and throwing off my chi.

I don’t even like cake.

Happy Monday.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in cooking, failures, fiascos, It's All Good, kitchen failures, mediocrity, mondays suck, woe is me and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to “Piece of cake” is such a farce.

  1. Carmen says:

    I love your cake stand. Just keep trying. Oh and you should learn to like August, it is just as much a part of summer of the rest of the months – here in Canada that is. I feel for you about the whole going back to school thing in September. I missed your blog posts while you were gone. Glad to see that your back, but I’m sure the break was really nice too. I don’t know how you do it 5 days a week. Anyways, this comment is rambling so adieu for now.

  2. RatalieNose says:

    This made me sad and happy!!
    I love you Camille!

  3. Jeff says:

    I’d blame it on the cat.

  4. linda rae says:

    I did NOT say “I’ve never seen a person make such awful cakes.”

    I am sure that I said “I’ve never seen a person make such AWESOME cakes.”

    Yes…that is what I said. And it WAS yummy. And very funny. LOL
    And thank you again.

  5. Chloe says:

    I’m sorry for your cake skills… I’m like you. I make awful cakes and strange lasagnas.
    I also hate August… even though my birthday is on 23rd August! School started in September, and August meant “the end of summer vacation”. :(

  6. ann marie says:

    You crack me up… Dogg poo and maggots? so sickening! ha-ha

    I agree with the above comment.. keep trying, and you will be a pro before you know! Hey–I rhymed! :)
    I have a cakestand fettish too! I use them for SOOO many things besides cakes too! They are lovliness, and yes.. we are kindred spirits in some ways!

    Thanks for your comments the last couple of days! I hope you have a happy time with the family, and the load of bricks doesn’t kill ya… :)

  7. Jennifer says:

    Hey…you came all the way to Oregon and didn’t bother to say “Hey maybe I will see if that crazy blog stalker chick from Oregon will entertain me for a bit…she’s sure to knock the bleak August forecast from my life”. psh. Really. I mean just because we’ve never met doesn’t mean you can come to my home state and not allow me the opportunity to acknowledge you are here. LOL. Oh, I chose cupcakes a very long time ago…much more forgiving.

  8. DeAnna says:

    I can bake a mean cake and not from a box, now I can say this now 7 yrs down the married road, but in the first years my baking and cooking was a lot on the interesting side. I learned to follow the recipe exactly to the letter, as to not forget ingredients and to avoid things being mixed wrong…who knew you could mix things wrong?!? So your not entirely hopeless, just inexperienced. On another note, I love that cake plate, now if only I could get one and actually have not get broken by my toddlers or hubby trying to put it away where it doesn’t belong…lol. Great to hear you ran away and got some time to breathe!! Hope your August isn’t too stressful with school looming!

  9. Joel says:

    Wow. That cake looks terrible. Are you making them from a box? I just have never seen such consistent cake failures…

  10. Geneva says:

    I love your cake stands! They always make me happy even if they are somewhat impractical. Well impractical in my house because I generally don’t even try to bake cakes. And you have me missing Oregon even though I’ve never been there :)

  11. Anonymous says:

    This is the Camille writing I’m used to. Good rebound. This actually elicited a chuckle aloud. Well done.

  12. Maureen says:

    How can you not like cake?

    The best thing to do is grease the cake pan and then line the whole thing with flour before pouring in the batter. Works like a charm.

    It looks pretty on the cakestand though.

  13. anonymous says:

    haha well i think it looks pretty good i’d eat it

  14. Jethro says:

    I’m with one-eye on this one. A most amusing post. And with family interest. Good show.

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  16. Rachel says:

    It is very sad that Florida is so far away from Canada. I have no room for cake stands in my cramped little house, but I bake perfectly decent cakes all the time and have been known to bake exceptional ones every now and then. My cake and your plate could be beautiful together. But you know what also looks lovely on a little lidded stand like that one? Cookies! Big Jumbles from the nearest bakery. Just shred the receipt.

  17. kat says:

    I’m going to have to agree with you (please don’t send hate mail!), your cake looks awful! I’m not saying I could do any better. I’ve never tried to layer a cake and most of the time I don’t even ice them but yeah, this is really bad….

    I don’t like cake either. I prefer donuts.

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