Back when I announced I was pregnant I sort of expected that people would be annoyed by pregnancy update posts. I didn’t plan on writing too many of them for fear of alienating what few readers I had left (after my months-long hiatus).

But the feedback was more or less positive, and people keep asking me questions about how it’s going and how I’m feeling and how I’m looking (the answer is not good, BTW), so I guess it’s not quite so divisive a topic as I thought.

I don’t think I’ll write a weekly update because nothing seems to change that often, but we’ll see.

So. I’m 17 weeks pregnant and I look like this, stringy hair and all:

I feel stupid even posting that photo because there’s not much to see. I don’t have much of a bump going on, but I have gained 10-ish pounds and my jeans don’t button comfortably anymore. I have an ever-growing double chin and my muffin top is Costco-sized. I’m normally not the type to wish for more weight gain, but I’ll be glad when my stomach actually starts to look pregnant so that I don’t have to walk around just feeling fat…I’ll have a valid, visible excuse.

Here are some 17-week stats for all the pregnancy nerds out there:

• Size of Baby: 5.5 inches (about the size of a sweet potato according to my apps)

• Weight of Me: 169 lbs

• Pukes: 0 (knock on wood)

• Face Pimples: 152

• Upper Back/Shoulder Pimples: 151

• Stomach Cramps When I Cough/Sneeze/Blow My Nose: Countless, starting since basically Day One.

• Times I’ve Forgotten I Am Pregnant: 2

• Weird (but happy) Pregnancy Dreams: 12

• Weird Pregnancy Nightmares: 1 (being shot in my head through a window point-blank)

• Times People Have Asked Me How I’m Feeling: 100

• Times I’ve Lost My Temper At Work Over the Stupidest Stuff Ever: 10+

• Rice Krispie Treats Consumed: 20

• Rice Krispie Treats Tried Not To Consume: 19

• Foods That Gross Me Out: Romaine lettuce, specifically in Caesar Salads

• Baby Items Purchased: 2

• Maternity Items Purchased: 3

• Nervous Breakdowns: 1

So there you have it. Basically everything notable that’s changed about me in the last 17 weeks.

I’m feeling very few symptoms of pregnancy besides the stomach cramps (apparently they’re actually “round ligament” cramps, caused by the growing and shifting of my innards) and my never-ending pimples, and a perpetually stuffy nose, which I kind of had before anyway. I know a lot of pregnant or formerly-pregnant women probably want to kill me when I say that I haven’t been very sick, and trust me: I feel guilt commensurate with the crime.

Maybe the following picture of one of my many terrible pregnancy pimples will make you feel better:

I’m smiling in this photo of my pregnancy pimples because it’s the best way to hold back the tears.

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