Pregnant. Pause.

So you know how when you’re pregnant you sort of stay pregnant for nine-ten months and then you give birth to this little bundle of joy and on the surface you forget all the misery you’ve been through to get to that point, but in the back of your head it’s always sort of there, just hovering, like there’s no way you can experience all that—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually—and then NOT have it somehow change you for the rest of your life, like you can never go back to being a person who hasn’t given birth?

Well, I’m pregnant that way.

Only I’m not quote-unquote with child.

I’m pregnant with my education.

Eighty months pregnant, to be exact. (Eighty months as in nearly seven years.)

If you think it’s rough being at the last week of your third trimester, just think how I feel at this point: I’m in my twenty-sixth trimester of my Bachelor’s degree. I am SO CLOSE to being finished, but there are still so many hurdles—most of which seem insurmountable, probably about as insurmountable as unassembled cribs and unpainted nurseries seem to big fat pregnant women whose, I don’t know, quadruplets are due in two days and who have no health insurance, either. They know the quadruplets are going to come. They know that somehow they will get the cribs set up between now and then.

They just can’t fathom how.

I have pregnancy hormones. Pregnancy weight gain. Pregnancy stress marks. Pregnancy bladder problems/insomnia. Pregnancy constipation. Pregnancy acne. Pregnancy eczema. Gestational diabetes. Prenatal fatigue. Cankles. Varicose veins. Pregnancy cravings.

I have all the worst symptoms of pregnancy without even the added benefits of cute maternity clothes, luscious hair, or glow of any type.

And after eighty-four months, to show for all my discomfort, I will give birth to a $20,000 piece of paper, which will neither cuddle nor look cute for nakie pictures.

After eighty-four months I will officially be educated.

So then why do I feel so very dumb.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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12 Responses to Pregnant. Pause.

  1. Katie M says:

    Oh sista-friend, do I feel you! School is a big pain in my (growing) rear, and they tell me it’ll all be worth it in the end, but I think they’ve put on the pregnancy blinders and are forgetting all the papers and the tears and all nighters and are all basking in the glow of their successful careers. Those are the new Moms you just want to punch.

  2. Shesten says:

    Only 20 grand? Not bad for seven years. Seriously. ;o)

  3. DeAnna says:

    You better have one heck of a “baby” party when you “give birth”!!!! A well deserved party!!!!

    And you totally forgot the worst pregnancy symptom, Morning sickness, that should be known as whenever-sickness.

    I love this post!!!

  4. Liz says:

    I read the first part of this on my iPhone while I was distracted, and thought you were really pregnant.

    I really like this post, too. Quite clever. :)

  5. hahaha.

    you know what? you are alot like my hilarious husband, who says/writes things and i almost don’t know how to comment or respond because there’s no way my response could do justice to what was said.

    so, just know that i think this is really funny.

  6. Alaina says:

    Try $100k. That’s what I left law school with….

    On a side note, I read your title for your blog and totally thought you were actually pregnant :-)

  7. Jordan says:

    You stinker. For a hot second I was excited (and scared) for you.

  8. Geevz says:

    Maybe nakie pictures with a diploma? Brains are sexy right?

    Really funny post and you’ll make it to the end and all of us will be proud of you!

  9. chelsie says:

    Oh, I feel the same way but not about school about life. This ulcer has given me symptoms of a person who has a child growing in their womb. . .

  10. TeamHaynes says:

    I’m so sorry you are having difficulty. I can definitely get the image of you big as a house, hair frazzled, sweat beamed forehead, swollen ankles and all. You better believe I will be there one day hating life just waiting waiting…waiting. I guess that’s the awesome part about having a diploma baby. You feel like crap in the beginning because of morning sickness, (because you know you have so very looong to go) then you start to glow and get confidence, (people compliment your major and say, “Wow, that’s great!”) and you keep chugging along, and then you hit where you are at. BUT, the best part is, through all the blood, sweat, and tears, there is a silver lining. A light at the end of the tunnel, a river of hope, a star in the sky…a baby…or a degree in this case. And then you get to travel and be free. At least until grad school right?

  11. Mayde says:

    You poor thing! I know exactly how you feel. But at least you’ll have something to show for all your hard work. I dropped out of grad school after 6 weeks and still owe $6000. Now, I want to go back, but am dreading all the money, stress, and time required. Stick with it and it will be worth it in the end! I love the pregnancy analogy, but don’t ever scare us with a title like that again! (Unless you really do get pregnant, in which case, yay!)

  12. Cristin says:

    That’s what you don’t learn about school until you get out. When I finished it was anti-climactic, as in “Oh crap, what do I do NOW!?” Good luck with labor and delivery.

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