Promising Blogger Shredded to Death

25 January 2010
Alberta, Canada

Twenty three year-old blogger and promising young novelist, Camille Archives of Archives of Our Lives, died today after struggling through the popular twenty-minute workout DVD, Jillian’s 30-Day Shred.

According to the last blog post she published, Ms. Archives was dedicating this new year to total success: she was committing to achieve straight As in school, to make money from her blog, and to get in better physical shape than ever before. Part of her lifestyle overhaul was to test and review Jillian Michaels’s daily workout regimen, and report her progress to her blog readers.

“She hadn’t even announced her plan officially,” commented Archives’s husband, Poor Kyle. “It was gonna be a great surprise.  She was going to record herself doing the 30-Day Shred workouts, and keep track of her muscle growth.”

dead cpsf

The doctors are calling Archives’s death a case of Total Body Failure Breakdown Collapse Syndrome, which is a rare and painful case of a victim’s body completely shutting down—every organ, cell, and atom.  Dr. Rainn Reed, Archives’s family physician, claimed he had “never seen anything like it.”

“I’ve heard about these kind of cases with victims of extreme torture, such as terrorist hostage situations in Iraq, or boot camps in the Israeli military, but never here in North America,” said Reed. “I thought we were more civil than that.  By all accounts, Archives was a healthy, vibrant, vivacious young woman. I would’ve put money on her living to be 100—maybe even 1,000.”

Poor Kyle agreed with the doctor, stating that Archives was “a picture of good health.”

His account of Archives’s final hours are gruesome, and may not be suitable for younger readers:

“I came home from work at about 5:oo p.m., and she was down in the basement, sitting on the couch in front of the television, but not watching anything. The workout DVD was turned on, and there was upbeat techno music looping on the main menu, and some brown-headed nazi woman was bouncing up and down with weights in her hands, screaming something about sexy abs not coming for free.  Camille looked pale, more pale than I’ve ever seen her, and she’s pretty pale from living in Canada for so long—I mean, really, I didn’t think she could get any paler. I never thought any person could be so pale.”

After stopping for a moment to compose himself, Poor Kyle continued his statement:

“Her face and neck was drenched with sweat, and she was completely motionless.  You know, it’s not often I see Camille just sitting without a book, or a snack, or her laptop to occupy her.  She doesn’t usually just sit like that.  I was very worried right off the bat.  Then I asked her how her day was and she just…gurgled.”

According to Mr. Archives, Camille died thirty minutes later, as she attempted to climb the stairs out of the basement.

He was sitting on the couch next to her, playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II on his PlayStation3, when Archives attmepted to get up off the couch.

“She was acting very weak and asked for a boost,” said her husband, “but I thought she was just being dramatic, so I pulled on the waistband of her stretchy pants when she tried again. I was just teasing. After she finally got up, she seemed really shaky, but I didn’t offer to help because I was killing virtual people with virtual guns, and talking to my teammates in Australia, and that seemed more important. The next thing I knew, I heard an enormous thump, and when I peeled my eyes off the television, I saw her body tumbling down the stairs, head over rear.  All the way down she sort of…jiggled. It was kind of funny, but really awful at the same time.”

If Poor Kyle is distraught over his late wife’s fate, he doesn’t seem to show it. Looking on the bright side, he remarks, “I mean, I thought she was healthy (except for her indiscretions with Diet Dr. Pepper but we all got issues, right?), and that I was just wasting my money on that life insurance policy. Now I’m really glad I got it. I only had to put up with her for two years—what a great return on my investment!”

At the time of publishing, Jillian Michaels had not made any comment.

Camille is survived by her husband, Poor Kyle; her sister, Anonymous; her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Camille’s Parents; and one extremely darling nephew.

In her will, Camille requested an eco-friendly burial, so her husband, Poor Kyle, plans to dig a hole in the backyard, wrap Ms. Archives’s body in a burlap sack, and toss her in there.

“Course,” he said, “it’s pretty cold out now, so I might have to wait til the ground thaws. No matter, though—her body will be preserved in the snow on the back deck til spring.”

Condolences may be sent to the family at: camille[at]archiveslives[dot]com. If you wish to donate to a memorial fund, please be advised of Camille’s final wishes in her last will and testament. She wrote:

“Why the eff are you donating to me now that I’m dead? It won’t do me any good. If you wanted to give me money, you should’ve done it while I was still alive and really needed it. Now you’ll have to live with the guilt. Ha!”

Archives’s husband, Poor Kyle, is negotiating a contract with the Lifetime Original Network™ to turn Archives of Our Lives into a low-budget made-for-television film.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in failures, health and vitality, It's All Good, mediocrity, oh brother what next, sad things, woe is me. Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Promising Blogger Shredded to Death

  1. Emily says:

    Camille, this post is awesome! :) My roommates and I are doing one of Jillian’s workouts, too. I’m still alive… but just barely!

  2. haha.

    (i don’t type ‘haha’s very often, but somehow, that’s almost always how i want to comment on your posts. you are hilarious.)

  3. Cristin Lassen says:

    That was hilarious, but please don’t write like that every post. I know people who write their entire blog that way and it drives me crazy. At least you were funny.

  4. lindsay says:

    this is probably the funniest thing i have ever read! seriously, it made my night camille.
    did you see the CB blog? i posted something for you there, if you are still alive.

  5. Jeff L. says:

    Sooo….do you accept PayPal, surviving kin? And is there like a minimum donation or anything? Should we be expecting a post in the near future, or am I naive to think I’ll even get a response?

  6. holly your fan says:

    this reminded me of a scene from the movie “overboard”… tell me you have seen it?!
    anyways, Camille… your death will not be in vain, because i will now never attempt this workout.
    and PK… good luck at ever finding a wife as semi fabulous as Camille… whoever you end up with will pale in comparison… and this i know for sure.

    archives of our lives will go down in blog history as the best of the best.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Oh dear. It couldn’t have been that bad! But this certainly warranted a chuckle from me at my computer screen. You forgot to say that PK will be haunted by your ghost if he remarries.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Oh, and what about Flint? You forgot about him! Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you purposely left him out…

  9. karla says:

    I just came across your blog from “its a love story” and this post is dang funny!! I have been looking for a new workout but I want to stick around a few more years:)

  10. Kristen says:

    The same thing nearly happened to me when I tried to workout to the same exact video. I only survived because I skipped most of the cardio…..

    This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read!

  11. Casey says:

    Hehe. You are funny. You a little sore today?? ;)

  12. Whitney says:

    YOU CRACK ME UP!! P.s Im doing Jillian 30 day shred right now too. The first time I died but magically the times after I remained alive. It really works. Jillian know her stuff. Even though she is a man in a womans body. Keep it up sister.

  13. Mikelle says:

    Haha. I’ve been doing the 30 day shred too, but not very consistently. I do want to die on level 3, but it feels so good to know I worked out hard. My husband was home the 1st time I did level 3…good thing! I thought I was going to throw up, and had to go lay down for a couple of hours. He just laughed.

  14. Carmen says:

    Haa you are hilarious. You are making me scared to try it out though. Great post.

  15. Can’t wait to see the movie (I guess).

    I don’t know why, but I never got into those workout tapes (even now that they’re on DVD). Perhaps it all stems from being a wrestler who knew how to work out every muscle in their body using free weights alone (I guess I’m a purist).

    Good luck with your routine,

  16. Geevz says:

    awesome post.

    word on the jillian deal. The only video that made me want to puke after.

  17. RatalieNose says:

    Um this made my day!!!!!!!!
    I hate funerals!!!!!!
    But I’ll still come. : (

  18. Lisa says:

    Hilarious post! I do hope you recover soon… I so look forward to reading your blog every day! And I feel your pain – I just started the P90X workouts and have never been so sore in my life.

  19. Tisha says:

    So, um, if you’re dead and all, any chance I could borrow your copy of the workout? I’d even settle for a burned copy! lol Maybe I’ll just ask PK next time I see him!

  20. chelsie says:

    I got your message and was refreshed to hear you were alive. And better off than me because I just decided that a pre-new year’s resolution resolution would be to decide on what motivation is going to get me to follow through with these resolutions… like study for 3 hours get a ddp, follow through with resolution “A” get ____. This is the only way I am successful at anything and since I am sick of failing I need to decide on a motivation.

  21. This was hilarious. I loved every bit. Maybe on my top three favorite posts of yours.

    I love Lifetime movies. It would be an honor to be the subject of one. :)

  22. Katie says:

    “After she finally got up, she seemed really shaky, but I didn’t offer to help because I was killing virtual people with virtual guns…” AWESOMENESS. You rocked my mid-afternoon slump. Thanks!

  23. Chloe says:

    THIS IS AWESOME!! LOVE it!!
    This is my favorite post!!
    It’s hilarious!!

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