25 January 2010
Twenty three year-old blogger and promising young novelist, Camille Archives of Archives of Our Lives, died today after struggling through the popular twenty-minute workout DVD, Jillian’s 30-Day Shred.
According to the last blog post she published, Ms. Archives was dedicating this new year to total success: she was committing to achieve straight As in school, to make money from her blog, and to get in better physical shape than ever before. Part of her lifestyle overhaul was to test and review Jillian Michaels’s daily workout regimen, and report her progress to her blog readers.
“She hadn’t even announced her plan officially,” commented Archives’s husband, Poor Kyle. “It was gonna be a great surprise. She was going to record herself doing the 30-Day Shred workouts, and keep track of her muscle growth.”
The doctors are calling Archives’s death a case of Total Body Failure Breakdown Collapse Syndrome, which is a rare and painful case of a victim’s body completely shutting down—every organ, cell, and atom. Dr. Rainn Reed, Archives’s family physician, claimed he had “never seen anything like it.”
“I’ve heard about these kind of cases with victims of extreme torture, such as terrorist hostage situations in Iraq, or boot camps in the Israeli military, but never here in North America,” said Reed. “I thought we were more civil than that. By all accounts, Archives was a healthy, vibrant, vivacious young woman. I would’ve put money on her living to be 100—maybe even 1,000.”
Poor Kyle agreed with the doctor, stating that Archives was “a picture of good health.”
His account of Archives’s final hours are gruesome, and may not be suitable for younger readers:
“I came home from work at about 5:oo p.m., and she was down in the basement, sitting on the couch in front of the television, but not watching anything. The workout DVD was turned on, and there was upbeat techno music looping on the main menu, and some brown-headed nazi woman was bouncing up and down with weights in her hands, screaming something about sexy abs not coming for free. Camille looked pale, more pale than I’ve ever seen her, and she’s pretty pale from living in Canada for so long—I mean, really, I didn’t think she could get any paler. I never thought any person could be so pale.”
After stopping for a moment to compose himself, Poor Kyle continued his statement:
“Her face and neck was drenched with sweat, and she was completely motionless. You know, it’s not often I see Camille just sitting without a book, or a snack, or her laptop to occupy her. She doesn’t usually just sit like that. I was very worried right off the bat. Then I asked her how her day was and she just…gurgled.”
According to Mr. Archives, Camille died thirty minutes later, as she attempted to climb the stairs out of the basement.
He was sitting on the couch next to her, playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II on his PlayStation3, when Archives attmepted to get up off the couch.
“She was acting very weak and asked for a boost,” said her husband, “but I thought she was just being dramatic, so I pulled on the waistband of her stretchy pants when she tried again. I was just teasing. After she finally got up, she seemed really shaky, but I didn’t offer to help because I was killing virtual people with virtual guns, and talking to my teammates in Australia, and that seemed more important. The next thing I knew, I heard an enormous thump, and when I peeled my eyes off the television, I saw her body tumbling down the stairs, head over rear. All the way down she sort of…jiggled. It was kind of funny, but really awful at the same time.”
If Poor Kyle is distraught over his late wife’s fate, he doesn’t seem to show it. Looking on the bright side, he remarks, “I mean, I thought she was healthy (except for her indiscretions with Diet Dr. Pepper but we all got issues, right?), and that I was just wasting my money on that life insurance policy. Now I’m really glad I got it. I only had to put up with her for two years—what a great return on my investment!”
At the time of publishing, Jillian Michaels had not made any comment.
Camille is survived by her husband, Poor Kyle; her sister, Anonymous; her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Camille’s Parents; and one extremely darling nephew.
In her will, Camille requested an eco-friendly burial, so her husband, Poor Kyle, plans to dig a hole in the backyard, wrap Ms. Archives’s body in a burlap sack, and toss her in there.
“Course,” he said, “it’s pretty cold out now, so I might have to wait til the ground thaws. No matter, though—her body will be preserved in the snow on the back deck til spring.”
Condolences may be sent to the family at: camille[at]archiveslives[dot]com. If you wish to donate to a memorial fund, please be advised of Camille’s final wishes in her last will and testament. She wrote:
“Why the eff are you donating to me now that I’m dead? It won’t do me any good. If you wanted to give me money, you should’ve done it while I was still alive and really needed it. Now you’ll have to live with the guilt. Ha!”
Archives’s husband, Poor Kyle, is negotiating a contract with the Lifetime Original Network™ to turn Archives of Our Lives into a low-budget made-for-television film.