One time I got married.
That was so many days ago . So much has changed since then.
I’ve lost my new husband, you see. For a while I was the only thing with which he cared to spend his time. He had eyes only for me. The honeymoon was basically bliss, to be sure–as most honeymoons are. We returned from the lush tropics of the Caribbean and he was so helpful around the house. “Of course,” he assured me, “any time you cook dinner I will gladly do the dishes. It’s only fair, dear.”
“Of course we won’t be one of those boring married couples who only watch T.V. at night…”
“Of course we’ll still be romantic and…umm…tender.”
But those days are gone. Lost. Out of reach. Beaten. Never to return. They’ve surrendered to the worldly wiles of other, more inviting devices…
…Xbox 360, namely.
It was bound to happen sometime. Like after we have children and I am no longer able to retain my stellar physique [tongue-in-cheek, naturally]. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Two months married, is all. And already I’ve learned where I stand.
But don’t worry. I have begun to occupy myself with other pastimes. It is my goal to make certain all my dating friends understand what they are up against. “Hey,” I told one friend in particular, “you know all those nice things your boyfriend is doing for you right now? Rubbing your feet, going on walks, answering the phone when you call him? If you two ever get married, all of that will end. Just so you know.”
“What?” she exclaimed, “But…but…that’s so depressing!”
No. That’s life.
**Happy New Year! I am looking forward to sharing “Oh-Eight-the-Great” with all of you! Stay tuned for these stories and more; as long as the years keep coming, I will write about them!**
–C. P. S. Fairbanks