Saturday Steals: How to Never Look Fat Again

**Thank you for joining this week’s exhilarating round of Saturday Steals! To participate, write a post at your own blog about your own steal, and then add the link (to that post) to the link list below.**

While I was in Arizona for nearly six weeks, I got a phone call from my husband. Well, I got a lot of phone calls from him, but only one particular call bears relevance to this post.

“Hey, you got something from Purolator today.” (Purolator is like FedEx or UPS.)

“Really? That’s strange; I wasn’t expecting anything. What was it?”

“I don’t know; they left a piece of paper saying they were sorry they missed you.”

“They didn’t leave the package?”

“Nope.”

“ARGH! I will never rest until I know what is in the package that is waiting for me! I will climb every mountain, turn over every rock until I find that parcel and rip it open with my bear hands! Or I will just call Purolator and ask them to hold it for me until I get home from this holiday.”

A few days later, I was back in Canada. Stopping by Purolator’s office was my number one priority, before even buying groceries (and trust me: we were in DESPERATE need of groceries after being out of the house for six weeks).

When I finally received my package, and after I tore it open with my bare hands, imagine my shock to see this:

How to Never Look Fat Again, a hard cover book with 250 glossy, glorious pages (in colour!) choc full of advice on how not to look fat.

It comes with tips like these:

“Only ballerinas and four-year-olds can look slim in a skirt this fattening. Yummy, but too many calories.”

And this:

“High Fat vs. No Fat: How to dress for your body style.”

And this:

“10 Ways to Battle Arm Flap.”

Such a book is surely necessary in my life, of that I have no doubt.

But what I do wonder is…

…how did this book happen to come my way in the world?

It’s unusual, considering that I never ordered this book, nor signed up for it to be sent to me through any sort of giveaway. The name of the person who sent the book was on the order form, but it’s not a name I’ve ever heard before. There was no accompanying note or letter to tell me why I had received this gem of literary intelligence, and so I am left to conclude only one explanation:

SOMEBODY IS ANONYMOUSLY TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING, SPECIFICALLY “CAMILLE, YOU DRESS LIKE A FAT COW. HERE, MAYBE THIS CAN HELP.”

Is there any other explanation?

There cannot be.

To my anonymous donor who so lovingly sent me this extraordinarily thoughtful gift at a time when I surely needed it most:

Thanks for the thought, but I would’ve preferred the cash.

***********************

So now it’s your turn! What have you stolen lately? Write your post and link to it below.

Ready? Begin!

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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10 Responses to Saturday Steals: How to Never Look Fat Again

  1. HeatherPride says:

    Oh no, surely that is not what they were trying to tell you. It’s obvious they wanted you to write a book review instead!

  2. Geevz says:

    Random book in the mail=awesome. Books that make you feel fat= not awesome.

  3. Regift it! I don’t think you need it at all!

    Also, I could not stop laughing that you said “bear” hands. Rarrrr!

  4. Alaina says:

    Dude, I would have thought the same thing..I’d be like “no thank you!”

  5. chelsie says:

    That book looks like a true gem of a book!!!

  6. Dutch girl says:

    Hahaha! :-D
    That Charla Krupp is one scary lady… I bet she makes a lot of money. Maybe you can “write” a book like that. It’s #5 NY Times Bestseller: http://charlakrupp.com/content/index.asp
    This is a sign: you can become rich!

  7. Dutch girl says:

    HAHAHA! This is hilarious: http://charlakrupp.com/content/author.asp?id=Note
    “What makes my book unique is that I’m telling you to think of your clothes as food.”
    :-D

  8. Maureen says:

    Hmm, if only my clothing choices could actually make me lose weight. Now that would be something.

    I finally actually posted a Saturday steal! I’ll try to link it up…

  9. Pingback: Archives of Our Lives » I’m a Fool and Saturday Steals Recap

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