So I Married a Mentalist

One thing that infuriates me about my husband is his staunch refusal to justify my infuriation.

That is to say, he never grants me the satisfaction of being rightfully upset with him. He’s developed this incredible knack for turning it right around and placing all the blame back on me.

The worst thing is that he’s usually right—or at least, his crazy-killer mind techniques usually convince me that he’s right. I’ll be upset about something, like, say, his coming home late without bothering to let me know in advance, and I’ll be stomping around slamming cupboard doors and glaring daggers into the back of his head, but instead of apologising and grovelling like any decent sitcom husband would do, he’ll simply get mad at me for being mad at him.

In the blink of an eye, he’s the one stomping around slamming cupboards and I’m all like, “Dang, I’ve done it again—I’ve gone and screwed up and now my husband’s mad at me.”

So invariably I’ll come shamefacedly back to him, saying “Oh, PK, I know I should’nt’ve gotten mad at you, I know you deserve a better wife than me, please let’s not let this ruin our night” and suddenly BAM! ALL MY FAULT!

How does he do that? He’s some sort of Patrick Jane of marriage spats, I think. A mentalist. A wife whisperer.

I feel a little deceived, too, because he was never like this back when we were dating. Before we got married, he was all the time apologising for crap I was mad about, and I’m pretty sure he knowingly let me believe I was always right. It isn’t fair, I think, for him to suddenly flip the Yes Dear switch as soon as he got a solid commitment out of me, as soon as I said I Do. At least for my part, when we were dating, I never acted differently as a girlfriend than I intended to act as a wife. One time I even straight up told him that he could scratch my back all he wanted but I hated doing it for other people so not to expect much in that department. That’s the kind of girlfriend I am: completely transparent from the start. None of this sneaky mind control with me. I’m an open book, relationship-wise.

And of course it annoys me, but what can I do? The whole point of his scheme is to keep me from feeling justifiably annoyed, ever. If I get annoyed about not being able to be annoyed, he’ll just flip that like all the rest and in minutes I’ll be apologising for ever feeling upset about not ever getting to feel upset.

It’s a genius plan.

I only wish I’d been the first to develop it.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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5 Responses to So I Married a Mentalist

  1. Alaina says:

    Brilliance. That’s what that is. Brilliance.

  2. anna says:

    My favorite thing to do is find a way to make Jason feel responsible and take the blame for all of our marital problems, regardless of who is at fault. You’d be surprised with my success rate. :) We both agree I should have been a lawyer.

  3. Mayde says:

    Oh, I feel your pain. My husband is a master mentalist, too. Sneaky husbands…

  4. abby says:

    I’m not married, but my boyfriend does it. It’s always turned around and I can’t figure out how he does it!

  5. Deanna says:

    My husband is kind of the opposite, but the same. Whenever I get mad about something he overly apologizes. He immediately starts being all sad and practically crying and saying how I deserve better and he’s a horrible person and why would I want to be with him, blah blah blah. So then I feel really guilty for getting mad at him in the first place and then I have to work really hard to reassure him that he is in fact a good person and I’m sorry I got mad. It takes me a whole night to get him to feel better. Then I feel jipped that I didn’t get to be sufficiently angry. I think it is just a girl thing. We feel guilty for everything and anything.

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