The List

I was seventeen when I first heard about the concept of The List.

Bob and me when I was more or less 17—young and idealistic.

Have you heard of it? The List of the top five or ten celebrities with whom, whether married or not, you would totally be allowed to sleep if you ever met, no questions asked? Your spouse could never question you, never judge, never begrudge, because s/he would have a list of equal proportions wherein the same applied. A Cheater List.

Lots of couples have them, apparently.

I will give you exactly one guess whether Poor Kyle and I have any such list in our marriage.

The answer is no. ABSOLUTELY: NO.

If I live to be 100 I will never have a list like that. I do not believe in them–or rather, I do believe in them: I believe in their total disrespect for the marriage institution and everything it entails. I believe in their sneaky lightheartedness, in the way that they might start out all fun and games, but of course that only lasts until someone loses an eye. Or a soul.

I do not have a list like that because I fully believe that if Poor Kyle ever approached me and said, “Hey Babe, just so you know, if Britney Spears or Eva Longoria or Portia de Rossi or Anne Hathaway or Gwenyth Paltrow ever run into me and want some, I’m totally hooking up with them,” my heart would break.

I do not think it’s all in good fun; I think it’s in very poor taste. Bad marital form.

We’ve already established that I am clingier and pettier and stressfuller and more territorial than the average wife, but even if I were a normal person I don’t think I could fathom how any healthy couple can straight up say, “So-and-so is just hot enough that I would give you up for her in a heartbeat” and come out better for it in the end.

I cannot. I will not. To me, it’s no better than pulling down the pants and ripping off the blouse. If Poor Kyle told me he had a list like that I would feel cheated on.

Poor Kyle and I, we have a lot of lists:

A list of things to fix up around this old house.

A list of places we’d like to travel together (Australia, England, Ireland, lots and lots of tropical islands).

A list of goals we’d like to accomplish together (get debt free, become self-employed multimillionaires, possibly billionaires, have a nice little family full of children better than yours [that’s mostly my own personal goal], build our dream house complete with pastures and horses and our private air strip for RC airplanes…you know…the usual).

A list of names we’d like to give our kids.

A list of restaurants we’re dying to try and movies we can’t wait to see.

Our lives are ordered around lists; they make us happy and they give us balance and I hope we make them till we’re eighty. We love lists.

But we don’t have a List like that.

And, God willing, we never will.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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9 Responses to The List

  1. Jake says:

    I’m totally with you on this one. I don’t even get offended when R says that so and so is totally hot, because when it comes right down to it, I know that she would turn down a proposition from so and so (and possibly already has), to preserve what we gotst.

  2. Chloe says:

    MJ and I have a lot of lists, but not that kind of list.
    I can’t understand the concept of that list. I just can’t. I think it’s disrespectful and I would be hurt (and I guess MJ would be too).
    As you said, we have a good list of places we would like to go TOGETHER. And a list of dreams we would like to come true someday, TOGETHER.
    But I’ll never understand that list.

  3. Lindy says:

    I take it more as a little bit of fun, but saying that we don’t have one of those lists so if we did, or if Jim wanted one (because I couldn’t imagine making one), I think I would possibly be more hurt. It just simply wouldn’t ocur to me to sit down and make a list of guys I fancy- its just seems like a weird thing to do! I’m way more likely to make a shopping list! xxx

  4. Gretchen says:

    I am TOTALLY with you. Do people really make those lists or is that only in movies? Seems like it’s just asking for problems. Not that anybody who’d made a list would EVER happen to run into Eva Longoria or whoever and then actually convince her to have sex with them! But it just seems so disrespectful, like it fosters distrust. Ew.

  5. SuziCate says:

    I’ve never heard of a list like that…maybe I live in a marriage cave, but no way would I like either of us to have one!

  6. Hm… I feel my life is missing lists.

    Clearly I’ve fallen behind my peers, list-wise.

    Oh, there’s shame.

  7. Kate says:

    OK-so I DO get where you’re coming from because I totally am the same way —
    I am clingier and pettier and stressfuller and more territorial than the average wife
    –but I think it is harmless because it’s a bit of fun that I would never act out on. However, I totally give you credit where credit is due about something being harmless until it’s not harmless.
    I used to joke all the time (from a place of insecurity) about my husband having a girlfriend or 2nd wife. And then I saw a secret on PostSecret that said she did that until her husband left her for his girlfriend. After that…it just never seemed funny anymore!

  8. Pingback: The list of 5. | Recommended Daily Dose

  9. Kate says:

    I borrowed some ideas from this post, because it really got me thinking. I gave you credit though…hope that’s ok!

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