The Longer I Stay Married, The Less I Know About Marriage

Dear B,

Oh, B!


It’s beautiful. It’s the most beautiful beautiful I’ve ever seen.


It looks so perfect there on that hand of yours.

You’re getting married. I am excited for you, you know. And I’m immensely glad I nagged you for so long to tell me as soon as it was official–that phone call was one of my life’s most thrilling moments.

The fact you agreed to keep me on the line with your cell phone in your purse while you and Tanner went to tell your parents…well, that was just icing on the proverbial cake. I just closed my eyes and could picture the entire scene as it was unfolding, with you and Tanner narrating, and your family as the audience. It made me homesick; it made me happy.

When we were in Mr. Finn’s algebra class together, we bonded over our love of You’ve Got Mail and our disdain of boys in general–irony was the spice of our lives…remember?

We’re singing quite a different tune now that we’re in our twenties, huh? Even up to the day I got engaged, my mantra was “Guys, in general, are jerks.” You held out for a while more–longer than me by far; you did good. But times are a-changin’, and its time we commune over something other than our loathing of the fouler sex.


You’re getting married, and I have moved to Canada like I always said I would. Since I can’t be there this summer (at least, not the entire summer) to bond like we usually do when we aren’t in school, I won’t be able to pass along my six months of knowledge to you in person. So I’ll just have to do it on my blog:

The Lies Everybody Fed Me About Marriage, Which I Unquestioningly Swallowed

1. Marriage is hard. That’s bogus. The truth is, marriage is impossible. More than half of marriages end in divorce these days, and I can totally see why. Take two human beings–both of them too stubborn for their own good–and stick them together. Cramp them into the same tiny house, sharing the same bathroom, trying to agree on the same food for dinner and the same channel on T.V. Give the woman PMS and give her husband a logical sense about him. Give them college tuition (x2), air conditioning bills in Arizona summer, and ramen noodles. Give them work, and school, and the chaos of cramming a trailer full of wedding gifts into whatever starter home they can afford. And then give them a joint chequing account. It’s no wonder people get divorced all the time…no wonder at all. But you, my dear, are getting married in the temple, and that makes it really serious, which of course you know. So that means divorce is probably not going to be a consideration for you.

And without an escape from the impossible situations in which you will surely find yourself, you are going to need to get really creative in order to keep your sanity. But knowing you, it will be a barrel of laughs the entire time.

2. The consummation is magical. Talk to Jami about this. I can’t bring myself to do it on the internet for all the world to see. (Hi, B’s mom!)

3. Going to bed angry doesn’t solve anything. Another lie. I go to bed angry all the time, and then have nightmares that Poor Kyle is hooking up with his ex-girlfriend (one hussy in particular seems to pop into my dreams after the most unsettling of arguments). I wake up seething at Poor Kyle, who really didn’t do anything except disagree with me before bed (poor, poor Poor Kyle). But once I realise he didn’t do what I dreamed he did, nothing else–our argument from the night before; the toilet seat in the upright and locked position; the fact that the lawn still isn’t mowed–seems as bad. You know? So I say: go to bed angry all you want; your nightmares will be so horrible, everything else will look rosy.

I’m sure there’s more advice to be given, but what can I say? I’ve only been married six months, after all–I know nothing.

But anyway, congratulations! I’m so happy for your happiness.

~S~

*Photos unabashedly stolen from Brad Burnham photography. I’m not sorry, either.*

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in Married Life. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Longer I Stay Married, The Less I Know About Marriage

  1. Anonymous says:

    love the music! and the post! it’s nice to hear your take on marriage- hahaha. congratulations lindsey!!!

  2. Anonymous says:

    What a sweet and sentimental post. Loved it.

  3. Adell Atwood says:

    Millie,

    Congrats to Lindsey! This is so exciting. I’ve very happy for her and Tanner. What a sweet post…

  4. Lindsey Burnham says:

    Oh S! THANK YOU!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You are such a good friend. I’m so happy that we get to be at the same phase of life again {sort of…}

    I love you dearie!

  5. Mikelle says:

    Congrats ot Lindsey! And thanks for making me laugh, as usual, Camille. I depend on it.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Camille, this was so so funny!
    bRAD

  7. lindser-lou says:

    oh my goodness! SO it IS true!!?! i kept checking both of their blogs to hear something about it – so thank you for keeping me up to date! this is so exciting!!!
    Now only chelsie will be left!…but something tells me not for long! :)

  8. theycallmeaft says:

    oh camille i LOVED this post! you and lindsey are just the cutest/greatest people ever!

    congrats linds!

    …that deleted comment was me. sorry. there was a typo and i just couldn’t keep it like that.

  9. Jami says:

    I feel famous getting mentioned in one of your posts! Those are all true lies! Marriage is CRAZY hard…and sex does suck for awhile…then you become professional! Lindsey is great, and so is tanner, I can’t wait to see this blessed event!

  10. Anonymous says:

    what a lovely post. lindsey, you must be so happy. tanner’s love for you show’s so intently.
    camille, i’m happy you shared this time with your friend, with us.

    (funny how mormon names travel..my dentist, who took out my wisdom teeth, was a kay burnham, here in edmonton.)

  11. Pingback: Marriage Warning: Side Effects May Occur | Archives of Our Lives

  12. Pingback: {I Lost 10 Pounds in Five Hours} | Archives of Our Lives

  13. Pingback: {Call Me Greedy, But Say it Softly} | Archives of Our Lives

Comments are closed.