{The Longest Post Ever Written About the Shortest Relationship Which Never Happened}

Once upon a time in 2005, there was this guy I never dated.

We didn’t date for about a month.

It went something like this: first I sort of thought liked him but then he grew a beard and started wooing me [or so I thought] and even though facial hair makes me think itchy thoughts, I was seduced against my will [and better judgment], but then as soon as I started liking him again, he realised he’d won the game and moved on with his life. All before I had a chance to fully pick apart my own feelings on the matter, so in other words…

drama.

And he is the most exasperating guy I never dated. His name is Brad but don’t expect to ever see it spelled that way; he much prefers “bRAD.” And when he types, his sentences look something like this: “taking caRe of Aged granDparents” or “snoRings mAke noisy sounDs” or “dRinking root beer tAstes gooD.” I suppose he thinks life’s more rad that way…

Anyway, in most situations, I would never see such a person again. Unfortunately for me, I have a dear friend who lives in his same house, so avoiding Brad is completely out of the question. The good news is, we have both successfully blocked that month out of our conscious memories, so seeing him on occasion is much less awkward than one might think. [I actually like him as a human now more than I ever did when we weren’t dating.]

The point of this post is not to dredge up old memories or make Poor Kyle feel jealous. [Making Poor Kyle feel jealous is nigh on impossible. He just doesn’t have the jealous gene. It’s kind of infuriating sometimes.] The point is…

discussing people with multiple personality disorders. A problem from which, though not yet diagnosed, I am quite certain Brad suffers.

See, throughout the month when I wasn’t dating Brad, I learned a lot about him–all of the different hims. There would be times–wake boarding or taking photos or speaking Hungarian or just being a decent kind of fellow–when he really was rad:

That’s Rad Brad on the left, being normal and, well…rad-ish.

Other times, though, Rad Brad would be sullen and distant, deep immersed in thoughts I could only assume were morbidly over-analytical. Suddenly, the Rad Brad we all knew and admired turned into a very distressed Sad Brad:

The anguish in his eyes is as obvious as the weight I’ve gained since my wedding–there’s absolutely no hiding it.

His personality could change at a moments’ notice, for absolutely no reason I could see. One time I asked Rad Brad (who, in retrospect, was probably actually Sad Brad at that particular moment) a question about the relationship we didn’t have, and he said coldly, “You have just reminded me of all the reasons I never wanted to date girls. Thank you.” And that’s when I realised there also existed a Mad Brad:
A very mad Brad indeed.

The good news is, all of the bad Brads have started to give way to the very best Brad–Glad Brad. He tries to fight it, but I–in my infinite wisdom–can see it peeking through more frequently these days. And I’m pretty sure he’s not on drugs, which means he’s getting better all by his own sheer determination. Good job, all you Brads! It used to be that Glad Brad only appeared when his nephew was around, but perhaps the Brads’ hearts are being softened as of late. He has even commented (and with kind words! [even if he is just trying to be extra nice because he suspects I’ll be blogging about him soon {which day of reckoning has finally come}]) on some of my most recent posts here at Archives of Our Lives. For whatever the reason, I’m happy he’s becoming the best version of himself:



And that’s the raddest news of all.

Except maybe the news that he takes good pictures and started his own website (before me, dang it all). Once I had a Brad Burnham original framed and sitting on my dresser, but I tossed it long ago [not because it wasn’t lovely]. So when he becomes famous, I can tell people I threw away a million-dollar photograph. And that’s saying something. But I digress. Do swing by and check it out [after all, lending him more traffic is the least I can do for writing this post about himselves]–he sells his work, and if I ever decide to purchase one of his pieces, it would be this: the one I like to call “F
inding Faith Against a Yellow Wall.”

*Photos courtsey of bradburnhamphotography.com. Thanks to all the Brads.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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11 Responses to {The Longest Post Ever Written About the Shortest Relationship Which Never Happened}

  1. HeatherPride says:

    Wow, my favorite Camille post ever! It was so nice to meet all the Brads – although a bit exhausting….I’m so glad you ended up with Poor Kyle….not that it matters since apparently for that one month you were NOT dating Cad Brad.

  2. Jami says:

    Camille, I feel like your posts are better when you are in AZ…not that they aren’t good in canada, but they are just better in AZ! Have you found a way to move back here yet?

  3. Anonymous says:

    How in the heck DiD you eveR get all those pictures of bRAD? DiD he know why you weRe taking them?

  4. Anonymous says:

    Camille, For all the worrying I did about you writing about me I think nobody enjoyed this post more than me. As a matter of fact I read is several times and will probably print it as well and go through it with a highlighter, marking all my favorite parts.

    @Anonymous-Camille didn’t take those pictures, she just stole them (with the help of my sister, who is always stealing pictures). I took the second and third ones myself and I assume those are the ones you are talking about.

    bRAD

  5. Lindsey Burnham says:

    Actually, I didn’t help her steal any of these pictures–she did it all on her own! And I’m not ALWAYS stealing pictures, just when I need to…

    I love love loved this post, and what I love even MORE, is my brother bRAD! (ever single part/one of him!)

  6. Anonymous says:

    wow this post was funny. but isn’t it a little…awkward?- Is bRAD married?

  7. Camille says:

    Awkward? No, not in my opinion. See Brad’s comment? He’s thrilled to be featured on my blog. And no, he’s not married. Why?

  8. Anonymous says:

    That was awesome, I am really glad I came to your blog instead of reading more economics. When I realised that the post was about brad I started over just to not miss anything. So funny.

    TOM

  9. chelsie says:

    LOVED! LOVED! LOVED!!!

    The best part was seeing the making of a camille post. I was there every step of the way seeing those little wheels moving, good job!!

  10. Anonymous says:

    Brad looks a little like a caveman, judging from the pictures. I think he needs a good woman to civilize him. JK

  11. erin k says:

    Reading your blog is always better than studying! Thank you bRAD for being such a fantastic blog topic!

Comments are closed.