The Me in Me

In honour (or maybe a better term would be “begrudging acknowledgment”) of St. Valentine’s Day this week, I am going to write a series of love letters.

But first, a tangent:

Perhaps people may be wondering why I don’t seem to care much for St. Valentine’s Day. “What has she got to whine about? She’s newly married and brimming with bliss. This should be her best St. Valentine’s Day ever.” Yes. It should. But. I still cringe when I think back to the fifth grade when I had to give everyone a Scooby Doo valentine, even Evelyn who brought her mom to the “Talk About our Bodies” day at school [and “talk about our bodies” they did {I’ve hated “the awkward” for as long as I can remember}]. Of course there were the insecurities that maybe I wouldn’t get valentines from everyone, which would be the ultimate disgrace, since it would mean the other kids would be going out of their way to snub me. And then there was the sting of disappointment when, really, none of those valentines were at all juicy or exciting. No budding romances to be had.

Then in junior high and high school, I suffered through the oh-so-common indignities of not receiving any Cuddle Bugs or Cootie Cuties or whatever it was that, like, the Pom & Cheer club totally sold for, like, only a dollar, right? Y’know? Pom & Cheer girls got out of homeroom to deliver these secret admirer valentines. I remember Jazlee and Lorna and Rachel and the gang would always get gaggles of goodies, whereas I really…didn’t. It was fine, though, because I was raised by clever parents who taught me that literacy was a Great and Natural Escape. So I wrote poems–bitter diatribes for me and my fellow “slighted” girls. Bitterness works wonders; it heals all wounds. I really believe that.

If Lindsey would ever get her act together and clean out the shed and find for me “Ode to St. Valentine’s Day,” I would gladly post it here for all to read. It was a real masterpiece. I think it started out:

Pain, misery, squalor and muck,
All of these qualities prove that boys suck.

Or something. Later on, it seemed that no matter how many dates I accepted or boys I kissed, I always ended up “between relationships” on the 14th of February. Which is no fun at all, for a young adult who otherwise dated often enough. The more thought I gave it, the more it bothered me that the world would have the nerve to announce a holiday in honour of love. Why was it necessary to give flowers on a holiday? Being the exact same thing all the lovers worldwide are doing, I soon came to think of the tradition as cliché, blasé, and a variety of other chic-sounding French words. And two years ago, four months after meeting Kyle, we got into one of the biggest fights of our relationship of St. Valentine’s Day, because of my forward-thinking ideas and notions. It was wretched.

This year, though, I am married {weird}. High on love and drowning in all my newlywed bliss, right? It should be the best St. Valentine’s Day of my life. But the me in me won’t get my hopes up. I’m almost more married to the bitterness than I am to Poor Kyle–let’s face it: I’ve known it longer and more intimately.

So that’s it. All the gory details of why I struggle with the holiday that we all know and…love?

In the end, it wasn’t a tangent at all, but my entire post.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in looking back, Married Life, Poor Kyle, self-actualisation, what I'm about. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The Me in Me

  1. Loralee Choate says:

    I have stopped making Valentines a big deal in my mind.

    It’s not worth it.

    We go to dinner and call it good.

    Sigh.

  2. Anonymous says:

    for petes sake…make everydeay a valeantines day.

  3. Raygon says:

    Hey, you know Arizona became a state on Feb. 14? A much better occassion to celebrate.

  4. Anonymous says:

    i TOTALLY know what you mean about the whole akward elementary and junior high valentines day thing- disappointing.

  5. Cristin says:

    I also hated the whole junior high sale of cootie cute valentine gram whatevers. Especially because the cheerleaders would make the biggest deal when they would deliver them and it made me feel stupid that I never got one. I still sound bitter don’t I?

  6. Geneva says:

    Well my feminism tendencies extend to valentine’s day too. “what, you expect me to sit around helplessly and judge my self worth by whether or not a MAN gives me flowers or candies or whatever? Yeah, right!” And while my girl power has sunken a little since I’ve been married, it still manifests itself by trading off V-day. One year I make the plans and am not disappointed because I get to choose and the next year it’s John’s turn and I get to enjoy not having to think about it. Probably won’t work for most couples, but works for us. Ditto goes for anniversaries.

  7. Lindsey Burnham says:

    I’m so sorry! Someday I WILL find that amazing poem…

  8. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    I understand wholeheartedly! I always felt like the biggest dork in the world on Valentine’s Day when all those cards and flowers got passed out, and I never got one. I even thought about sending myself one. Pretty pathetic, huh? No, I never did send myself one…

    Now that I’m married, Clint and I don’t ever celebrate. Well, not much at least. I totally agree; Valentine’s Day is TOTALLY overrated.

    P.S.: Preston LOVES Yael Naim. PLEASE bring your computer when you come in a couple of weeks so I can download her songs onto our computer and i-pod.

  9. Jami says:

    camille, there were only two times that I ever got a flower on valintines day…the first was the more pathetic, some boy who delivered the attendance sheet in choir my sophmore year had a crush one me (yes I know..something really great to brag about), and he would always wink at me! He was greasy and gross( I guess that I am greasy and gross right now, but that is besides the point), he gave me a rose on valintines day, and do you know what I did with it..I gave it away to some other girl, can’t even remember her name. So, I am really hoping that spencer will do something great this year, so that I will start to really like the holiday.

  10. angela hardison says:

    I hear you about Valentine’s Day. The few years before I got married I was always somehow in-between boyfriends, usually slaving away on school projects at ASU feeling sorry for myself.

    About your comment – I have a digital SLR, nothing too fancy, but it does make a huge difference in the photo quality. On some of those photos I used quick Photoshop techniques to fake lomography… definitely not hard to do I promise!

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