I am not doing the gallon challenge.
I promised Cristin I would do it as my second official act of Project: Proxy.
But I can’t.
I don’t take my promises lightly, and breaking this one has been a difficult decision for me, but ultimately, it came down to one simple thing: to attempt the gallon challenge would be to go against nearly all of the ground rules I set for myself when beginning Project: Proxy.
Namely, those rules deem that the gallon challenge is:
b) illegal, and
c) seriously life-threatening.
How, you ask?
a) immoral: One gallon of milk cost some poor mother cow a lot of pain and misery. It’s bad enough I utilise their babies’ milk for my own nourishment; can I really allow myself to waste an entire gallon for a passing fancy? How many pregnant cows must lose their babies and stay in a permanent state of lactation for me to have my laughs? I cannot condone such wastefulness.
b) illegal: It goes against my legal code to waste $5.00 on a gallon of milk just to purposely vomit it back up again. I should be arrested for even thinking of committing such an heinous crime.
c) seriously life-threatening: The gallon challenge is a very dangerous, possibly even life-threatening practice. Well, according to this guy, anyway (but that is enough proof for me). And anyway, even if participating in the gallon challenge didn’t pose the risk of exploding my esophagus or screwing up my body’s electrolyte levels and killing me instantly, there would still be the unsettling fact that I’m almost guaranteed to throw up, and for me to willingly enter into such an unpleasant ordeal would be seriously damaging to my psychological health, because I really really hate throwing up.
For reals. I would be such a bad bulimic.
So, I’m sorry, Cristin. But I just can’t do it.
Submit something else, if you feel you can ever trust me again.
How about you ask me to draw a picture of what it would look like if I had fulfilled my promise?
Sure, I’d love to. Thanks for asking: