The Saga of Poor Kyle’s Poor Teeth

Long-time readers of Archives of Our Lives might recall that my husband, Poor Kyle, is missing his three front teeth.

Here’s how the story goes: Poor Kyle was in fourth grade (Grade 4, Canadians!).  He had a bike.  He was riding his bike down Mayberry’s Main Street, when, in an unfortunate instance of randomness, the bike’s front wheel fell off its frame, and Wee Poor Kyle, in turn, fell off the seat.  He collided with the pavement and erased his face, essentially:

Poor Kyle's Poor FacePoor Wee Kyle.  Just look at that face.  (Image courtesy of my mother-in-law.)

His two front teeth died and became unsightly, so they were given cosmetic caps.  Over the years, one already-weak tooth broke off completely, so a third tooth was shaved down make room for a bridge.  I’m getting the story all wrong, I’m sure.  But it went something like that.

Caramel Apple WeddingThe most recent bridge collapsed at our wedding reception when we chomped into this apple.  It made for an awkward honeymoon, that’s for dang sure.

At present, it would be silly to continue getting bridges, because each bridge weakens yet another otherwise healthy tooth.

So now, Poor Kyle has a retainer with three false replacement teeth, which he wears around in public.  This is a temporary solution (temporary as in, “this’ll do until we can bite the painful bullet and pay many thousands of dollars—two times the cost it would be to pay off Tamra Camry, in fact—to get him implants, which even then aren’t insured and have no lifetime guarantee).

Poor Kyle's False TeethThe very chompers.

False Teeth RetainerPoor Kyle was not happy to surrender his false teeth for this photo op.  But he did it.  For me.  He’s a good man.

Thanks to the permanently temporary retainer, if you were to meet Poor Kyle walking down the street today, he would look something like this:

PK and Camille in OregonA fine-looking fellow, if I do say so myself.

(Actually, come to think of it, if you were to meet Poor Kyle walking down the street, you’d probably also see a winged pig flying through the clouds, because my husband will not go on a walk down the street for love nor money (and I’ve tried offering both), so long as there is a vehicle he could drive instead.  {Although, a few days ago, he did suggest we walk to his parents’ house, and I was so excited at the idea that I had my shoes and socks on before he could even say, “In thirty minutes.”})

But more often than not, when he’s at home chillin’ with me, he looks like this:

Toothless KyleHow’s that for a face only a wife could love?  It’s a good thing I didn’t know about his dental drawbacks before we got married; I’m not sure how I would have handled having a toothless boyfriend. As it is, we’re both cool with it.  My husband is toothless—big whoop.

Toothless PK on the BeachMore recently, Poor Kyle was spotted sporting his cheesy, toothless grin on the tropicalicious beaches of Grand Cayman.  That’s comfort at its finest, I’d say.  Take off the shirt, take of the flip-flops, take out the teeth...sigh…

Despite the fact that Poor Kyle is secure with his appearance (and I’ve come to terms with it), things can nevertheless get a little awkward when we’re eating dinner with people who don’t know about his missing teeth.  He has to take his teeth out to eat, you see, and he’s mastered the art of sneakily tucking the retainer away during meals, but it’s kind of impossible to contribute to conversations without making it obvious.  For example, when meeting David and Shalynna, the wonderfully sweet couple who loaned us their house in Grand Cayman last month, there were a few moments at dinner where we were sure he’d been exposed.

I was tempted to face up and simply say, “Hey, Poor Kyle’s gonna take out his teeth now, so don’t freak out, okay?”  It seemed less awkward to get it out in the open like that, as opposed to sneaking around and never relaxing throughout the entire meal.  But it just wasn’t my place to tattle on Poor Kyle’s poor teeth.

In fact, it still isn’t.  But I just did.  And, for the record, I do feel lots better now.

Now, who’s ready to have us over for dinner?

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in fiascos, It's All Good, Married Life, oh brother what next, Poor Kyle and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Saga of Poor Kyle’s Poor Teeth

  1. shalynna says:

    Camille! You are too good to me. Another shout out? I hardly deserve it. :) And Kyle must feel so flattered that this entire post was about him! Ha- what a good sport. David gets mad if I write the tiniest personal info about him.

    I work with teeth, so obviously I notice them. I did notice Kyle’s at dinner, but do you want to know what came to my mind? I thought that he must have really thought we were funny or was having a good time because he was smiling enough for me to notice! I’ll have to ask David if he noticed. He’s sleeping right now.

    I have a piano student, had a crush on a boy in high school, a friend in high school, have two parents and an uncle who all have retainers with false teeth (and many of them have to take them out for eating). Tell Kyle not to be offended, but there are plenty of people like him so it’s no biggy to me. :)

    But if you ever want to discuss implants in the future… I am an advocate and I love talking about teeth so contact me.

    That is all for my novel of a comment at 6:00 AM!

  2. Michele says:

    My honey has one of those as well! But it is for a bottom molar so you can’t really see the hole in his mouth when he isn’t wearing his tooth retainer.

  3. Holly Decker says:

    glad you cleared that up my friend. and i too, am like you… i would want to clear it up! come on over to dinner!! :)

  4. Kat says:

    What a fun post! Kyle is brave for sharing! That totally sucks about the wedding ceremony and honeymoon! Isn’t it wonderful they have a decent “fix” for all of our cosmetic quandries?

  5. ann marie says:

    Wow.. the things you can do to “fix” things now..

    I think you are awesome. Too many people are so concerned with “appearance” that they would NEVER admit things like this to the public. I love that you love everything about him.. who cares about fake teeth… Many of us will be sporting them one day… :) Most people nowadays sport around “something” fake.. ha-ha

  6. I have to say I had wondered what was done about the poor guy missing his front teeth, and had also noticed how nice his smile looked in the Cayman pictures. :)

    Thanks :) I know what you mean about impants, a friend of mine in high school had a tooth implant, it was a HUGE process… and im sure very expensive, but luckily her mom worked for the surgeon, so I think it was extremely discounted.

    I do feel for PK in eating settings. that would be hard.

  7. Sarah says:

    Lol! Poor guy… if it were me I probably would have noticed as well for I too love teeth. You can tell your friend Shalynna that because I wish I was her and actually worked with teeth.

  8. Christal says:

    you have the best husband mine would kill me if I did a whole post on him! My sister has false teeth cause of a playground accident long ago. We all have issues some are more noticeable but its okay cause thats what makes us right!! I love your blog and bluntness you are awesome!!

  9. Anonymous says:

    We love PK, anyway. He’s my favorite brother-in-law, missing teeth and all. In fact, it just makes him all the more endearing. Wish you were here…

  10. niki says:

    i love it! hahaha. so awesome.

    i love that you didn’t know until you were married.

    we want you over for dinner! we’re not scared! my babe just got braces and is hating life. he can empathize a little… pk is fetching with or without his chompers.

  11. You had a candy apple at your wedding instead of cake???
    Good call!!!!!!

  12. Katie says:

    Kudos to PK for giving up his teeth for the photo op! I think nuances like this are what make people unique. My husband has a mole by his ear that looks exactly like a bubble on pizza crust. I call it his Pizza Freckle, even though we both know its a mole. I don’t think I’d love him as much without it, actually.


  13. Kami says:

    My husband had a similar experience!! He was in a car accident when he was 10 ish and had his two front teeth knocked out. The dentist shoved them back up there and they did fine until he was about to go on his mission. They did some surgery and now he has permanent fake front teeth! Luckily he got the surgery done before we met so his parents paid for it all. Fake teeth (or no teeth) you still love them!!

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