There’s No Such Thing as Edward and Bella

I just finished reading that book. My initial reaction–before being swayed by all the vicious reviews, was that it was clever and witty. [My favourite part was the titles of the ‘Jacob’ chapters, specifically, “What do I look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have.” I wish I’d thought of that.]


But I didn’t think of it, and I haven’t written a best-selling series, and to make myself feel better about my own mediocrity, I criticised the main characters’ extreme implausibility. No, not their everlasting youth and beauty—I’m convinced that immortality really is possible, and beauty to boot. Rather, I found myself gagging at the bliss of it all—a ga-ga plot line which, in my opinion, was a bit far-fetched.


So the perfect Edward can’t read Bella’s steel-trap mind. Big deal.

Guess what? Poor Kyle can’t read my mind, either. Which is why we have conversations like this:

PK: That’s a nice sunset.

Me: Yeah, it’s beautiful.

PK: …

Me: He’s being so quiet. Maybe he’s remembering how much I love sunsets in Arizona. He probably doesn’t want to say anything about it because he thinks it will make me miss home—he doesn’t want to upset me. How sweet. Or maybe he’s not saying anything because he thinks I whine about home too much, and he can’t stomach another word about Arizona. What a jerk. I mean, I moved all the way to Canada just to be with this guy, and he can’t even call his lawyer to set up an appointment to get my immigration paperwork finished and sent off, so it’s not MY fault I can’t go to school yet, or get a job. And okay, I COULD be teaching piano lessons, but I just haven’t had time to print out a flyer for it yet, even though I actually do very little all day, as people seem to think. Nevermind that the house is not very clean—I’ve started making the bed, at least. And our printer’s out of ink anyway. Next time I go back to Arizona and people ask me, “How’s married life?” I’m going to tell them it’s totally overrated for a nag like me.

PK: Wouldn’t it be cool if we could stack eight flatbeds on top of one goose-neck trailer, tow it behind this big white Ford™, and hook up all the lights to work?
Me: I suppose you’d like me to get right on that, wouldn’t you? You’re a real piece of work, you know that?

PK: Huh?

Baffling, isn’t it? The way my mind works, bouncing from one absurd conclusion to the next. By the end of our trip to North Dakota, I’d done two things: finished reading “Breaking Dawn” by Stephenie Meyer, and realised that Poor Kyle has never loved me at all.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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12 Responses to There’s No Such Thing as Edward and Bella

  1. Lauren says:

    Hahaha! I love how you got all of that from Breaking Dawn. My dear friend…Edward IS real..to me at least.

    But it’s true…it would be stupid if Edward could hear Bella’s thoughts. I am sooooooooo glad Ted can’t read mine. It would be disasterous.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    Glad to hear the music is back! I do the same thing with jumping to conclusions. (By the way, Breaking Dawn should be underlined or italicized, not put into quotation marks. Come on, Mill.)

  3. Joel says:

    I thought that the book was pretty boring, overall. It had its moments, don’t get me wrong, but overall was severely lacking. More death and destruction is always better!

    And I’m equally glad that I can’t read Aimee’s thoughts as she is.

  4. A Letter To Kayleen says:

    no excuses. after the first year of marriage (has it even been a year yet?), husbands should know what we’re thinking at all times. i don’t think it’s asking for much.

  5. HeatherPride says:

    Wow, that’s just so ….. right on – a typical exchange between a man and a woman! I actually just finished the book yesterday. I liked it, not as much as the previous ones but it captured my attention. I’m going to be the only one in the over-30 crowd who goes to the theatre to see Twilight. I am a giant dork that way.

  6. Zach and Whitney says:

    Camille I love you! Your posts are always the best. I dont think husbands will ever read our minds no matter how long we have been married to them. They dont think about things like that.

  7. Anonymous says:

    How about this? If he doesn’t read your blog, maybe he doesn’t want to read your mind either.
    Ya big nag.
    J/K.
    Kisses.

  8. Anonymous says:

    haha you’re so funny. poor kyle, so confused. ew that book is such a big chunk of cheese i can barely stand hearing about it. i’m glad the music is back, but why doesn’t i’m yours work? my fav song

  9. Geneva says:

    Poor husbands. I don’t think they will ever understand how doing not very much of anything can be so time consuming. My house is always messiest when I have zero commitments. I think I have less need for structure when unemployed.

    Subway tiles? We really are twins. I was going to do the ever popular HGTV glass tiles because I could get the recycled kind and feel green. But I’ve changed my mind. I want something very bold and modern and I was afraid of putting all the energy and commitment only to hate it in a couple years. So I have come up with the perfect cost efficient plan. Restickable wallpaper. Sherwin Williams makes it in super fun patterns. One roll is all my kitchen will take. Two hours and $20 later, I have commitment free flair. I’ll let you know how it turns out. I still need pics of your kitchen though.

  10. angela hardison says:

    Sometimes when people ask Clint “How’s the married life?” he responds:

    “Oh, it was okay…”

    Fortunately I think it’s hilarious.

  11. Jami says:

    well Spencer and I have been fighting all weekend about this very subject! I just wish that he could read my mind sometimes. But I do think (now that the fight is over) that it really makes couple work on communication skills!
    Also, I realize that I just totally tried to be “right”. Like when you write a post that is kinda negative, and then someone comes back and tells you something like what I just said…I HATE that when people do it to me, and I am sorry I just did it to you.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I’m already being referred to as ‘the old ball and chain’ and I”M NOT EVEN MARRIED YET! Sheesh.~A

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