This one could apply to approximately 4/5 of my teachers and professors throughout the course of my life.

Dear Emjie,

If at any time this year I have doubted myself or my ability to succeed, it has been your doing.

You who looked at me with that cynical, condescension that made me feel like a cockroach.

You who sneered at me with those beady, beady eyes and made me want to punch you.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t punch you.

Because you’re older.

Wiser?

And so feeble that a punch might’ve killed you, and then you really would have ruined my life.

I would have been a felon, been put in prison for years or for ever, all because of your horrible bedside manner.

The only faith you showed in me was the faith that I would fail.

The only motivation you inspired was that I might prove you wrong.

One night I had a dream about you.

Yes, Gee-emme, you even invaded my dreams.

My dreams that I normally love so dearly.

My sleep that I normally cherish.

You even took that.

In my dream, my nightmare, you were enormous—you were the size of a university campus.

Every professor was you.

Every assignment was you.

Every shaded window looking out on the coulees was you.

And while I realise this may sound like a love poem, I assure you:

It.

Is.

Not.

You were everything bad on a feverish rampage to destroy everything good.

I shriveled and died in the presence of you, which was every presence.

My words choked in my mouth because I could not speak to you.

You stole my voice.

And I hated you.

When I woke up and saw it was just a dream,

I still hated you.

But I like this poem—these words that I’ve written to you. Because of you.

They prove you have not beaten me.

And you will not beat me.

So I forgive you.

All my best,

cpsf

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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3 Responses to This one could apply to approximately 4/5 of my teachers and professors throughout the course of my life.

  1. chelsie says:

    Amen

  2. TeamHaynes says:

    I love the tag- watch out or I’ll blog about you. It’s almost like a Taylor Sw…..I MEAN, sounds like a country song!
    Pretty much what you said is how I felt in school. Well, how I feel NOW in school. So close….yet sooo very far away. Now YOU my dear are sooo very close! You even have Paris to prove it! Oh, how lovely it will be.
    I hope you are/were a LOST fan because my favorite phrase comes from John Locke, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.” Ooo, it’s like Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa!

  3. Spencer says:

    What’s the equivalent of internet beat nick finger snapping… Because that’s what I would be doing right now if only I knew.

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