What to do for an itchy ear

My right ear’s day started normally enough. Woke up, heard things, the usual…

Happy Regular EarLittle did it know there was evil lurking just moments away…

…evil in the form of an Itch.

20120415-221638.jpgAt first it was only a little itchy…Start of an itchy ear2Then it got a little worse…

start of an itchy earAnd after a few hours it had completely taken over my life:

debilitating itchy earIt was official: I had an Itch in my right ear.

No, that doesn’t do my condition justice.

MY EAR WAS EFFING ITCHY. Not on the outside earlobe like from a pimple or a bee sting—but deep, deep inside my ear canal. Deep in the ear depths that no sane Q-tip or pinky finger could ever dream of delving.

Can you imagine the misery of such an Itch? Eternally unscratchable. Ruthless. Debilitating.

My every thought revolved around the Itch. I couldn’t carry on a conversation because all I could think about was getting away from people so I could scratch the Itch.

It became my one and only purpose in life: What Can I Use to Scratch This Itch?

Of course I tried Q-tips which, I am certain, made my problem much worse. I am always really careful with Q-tips not to go too deep because I’m hard of hearing as it is (and practically legally blind too, yay for disabilities!) and the last thing I need in life is a busted eardrum to boot. So I didn’t go nearly as deep with the Q-tip as my Itch required, but I still Q-tipped vigorously enough to (I suspect) scratch the inside of my ear with the tiny cotton fibers.

Q-tips make everything worseOf course, I don’t know for sure if that’s what happened. I’m no doctor. All I know is that after I Q-tipped the Itch became impossibly more itchy.

It was taking over.

High on its success, the Itch soon implemented Phase Two in its plot to destroy my life: MIND CONTROL. It began planting sinister thoughts in my head in an effort to convince me that there had never been a time when the Itch wasn’t my supreme ruler.

it's always been this way itchy earI’m ashamed to admit it, but before long I began to succumb to the brainwashing. I started to forget what a normal ear felt like. I teetered on the edge of total despair, weak and impressionable and very nearly doomed.

My right ear was under siege. It was a bloody reign of aural terror.

Hope seemed utterly lost. I laid on the couch, beaten, my right ear pressed against a throw pillow, sagging in hopeless acceptance, when suddenly (no doubt spurred on by my left ear, which was tired of the histrionics) it occurred to me: I had two unburned Hippie Ear Candles in my hall closet left over from the last time I tried to be a hippie.

Flaming Hippie Ear CandleI prepped the paper plate and arranged myself horizontally on the living room floor. Poor Kyle lit the candle and I gave in to the chills as the fire crackled down the hollow candle and tickled my ear (a delicious change from the mind-numbing Itch I’d lived with all day).

Seven minutes later the candle had finished with me and as I unwrapped it to see what had come out of my ear I realised a glorious thing:
Flaming Hippie Ear Candle Saves the DayThe Itch was gone.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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5 Responses to What to do for an itchy ear

  1. chelsie says:

    I have never heard of this before in my life! How weird. I am glad it got rid of that angstful itch!

  2. Joel says:

    Now I feel like I need to buy some of these just in case!

  3. Irene says:

    ear candles????????????????????,, where can i get those??? never heard of it in my life, but i always have ear problems, infections mainly since childhood, it’s chronical :(

  4. Spencer says:

    Though I’m glad your ear itch went away, I thought you might benefit from the truth about hippie ear candles. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14979962

  5. jeff says:

    so have the wax in the right ear, trying to clear it with mineral oil, know too many hippies to trust them, will go with lavage by me doctor if need be. hope you have a great mom’s day. love, unc jeff.

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