I can be kind of harsh sometimes, in case you didn’t notice.
It is for this reason that I think I would make an excellent advice columnist. I’ve always thought Ann Landers was way too tactful. Unfortunately, no newspaper will have me as a journalist. Don’t worry, though—I’ve moved on to bigger and better things {well, maybe not bigger, but certainly better [or at the very least, different]}. I always get a kick out of the Google™ searches that end up directing people to my blog. {Half the time, people end up at posts that have nothing to do with what they’re looking for, which technically means I’m going about my blog all wrong—I should be writing to optimize for search engines and all that techno mumbo-jumbo, but it’s too complicated. Instead, I just write what I want to write.}
A lot of people turn to the internet for advice, it seems, and although they don’t often find what they’re looking for on my blog, I nevertheless feel compelled to help them with their problems. Because did you know? I’m really good at dishing out unsolicited advice.
See how smug? That’s the first requirement of an advice columnist—a smug disposition.
For example, someone found my blog recently by asking the internet, “Is my marriage salvageable?” (First of all, should I be worried that such a question landed them at my website? Maybe Poor Kyle and I need a good dose of couples therapy.) At any rate, here’s how we’re going to play: I’ll be Ann Landers. Google™ searches will be my questions. I’ll help these people if it’s the last thing I do.
Q: Is my marriage salvageable?
A: Well, I’d like a bit more information before I can properly analyse the inner workings of your private life. Did he cheat? Did you? How are things going under the covers? Do you love him? Does he love you? What about the children? You see, a question like yours usually stems from a number of outside forces, and without the details, it’s hard to say. But off the top of my head, the answer is…probably not. Easy come, easy go. Move on, dear.
Q: Yard sale I need one sofa in Arizona.
A: Technically this isn’t a question, or even a complete sentence, but I think I understand what your illiterate self is trying to say. You live in Arizona. You need ONE sofa—no more, no less. Preferably a cheap one from a yard sale. Is that right? Try Craigslist™ for people selling sofas cheap. Or, at the very least, you can look through the “Garage Sale” section for upcoming events near you.
And while you’re at it, find yourself an English tutor—maybe that will help.
Q: Pregnant with a crabby husband.
A: Oh, you poor dear. I can’t imagine how awful that must be, to be pregnant with an adult human being, and a crabby one at that! It sounds truly horrid—that’s the stuff nightmares are made of. My recommendation? Schedule a C-section, stat.
Q: What should I write in my mom’s letter to her for her birthday?
A: That I can’t tell you, but I do know this: If you steal your card content from my blog, please remember to credit the author; there are copyright laws to consider, after all. Also, I’m pretty sure your mom will suspect something if you don’t think of it yourself. Moms have a sense about those things. And cheaters never prosper. If you’re really grasping for straws, try starting with “Dear Mom, I love you.” That’s never failed me.
Q: How can I get the nasty smell out of my mouth after getting wisdom teeth removed?
A: Brush gently. And since misery loves company, read about my own horrid wisdom teeth removal experience (in order) here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Then watch this—it will cheer you right up. And also…my condolences. I would only wish this misfortune on my very worst of enemies.
Q: When I poo, oil comes out as well.
A: Sounds like you’ve got quite the profitable anus, my friend. Do you know how much oil is going for these days? I suggest you harvest that liquid gold and start selling it on the black market. You’ll make millions. (I’m assuming this question landed you on my post about my No ‘Poo Experiment, in which I discuss the natural oils associated with human hair, and the negative impact modern-day shampoo has on it. I’m so sorry to have misguided you, my oil-pooping friend. Best of luck to you.)
See how good I am at giving advice? And that’s not even advice anyone was asking me personally—think of what I could do if I had real live people asking me real live questions!
I want to try it. I’m sure it’s my calling in life. So today, for one day only, I am opening up the lines to you, my readers. Do you have a question weighing heavily on your mind? Are you trying to find your place in life? Have you been struggling to decide between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip™? Do you need help to quit smoking? I am soliciting you to solicit me for advice. For once in my life—just once—I’d like to give suggestions when people are actually looking for them. So ask away; I’ll do my best.
You can even be anonymous if you want—I am the only person who ever sees your email address. Do keep in mind, these questions will be posted on my blog at a later day for all the world to see, and this is a (mostly) family-friendly blog. So keep them clean.
Pingback: In Which I Experience the Slap-in-the-Face Realisation that I Don’t Know Everything. | Archives of Our Lives