Dear Abby, Meet Your Match.

I can be kind of harsh sometimes, in case you didn’t notice.

I Don't Like People

It is for this reason that I think I would make an excellent advice columnist.  I’ve always thought Ann Landers was way too tactful.  Unfortunately, no newspaper will have me as a journalist.  Don’t worry, though—I’ve moved on to bigger and better things {well, maybe not bigger, but certainly better [or at the very least, different]}.  I always get a kick out of the Google™ searches that end up directing people to my blog.  {Half the time, people end up at posts that have nothing to do with what they’re looking for, which technically means I’m going about my blog all wrong—I should be writing to optimize for search engines and all that techno mumbo-jumbo, but it’s too complicated.  Instead, I just write what I want to write.}

A lot of people turn to the internet for advice, it seems, and although they don’t often find what they’re looking for on my blog, I nevertheless feel compelled to help them with their problems.  Because did you know?  I’m really good at dishing out unsolicited advice.

Smug Look on My FaceSee how smug?  That’s the first requirement of an advice columnist—a smug disposition.

For example, someone found my blog recently by asking the internet, “Is my marriage salvageable?”  (First of all, should I be worried that such a question landed them at my website?  Maybe Poor Kyle and I need a good dose of couples therapy.)  At any rate, here’s how we’re going to play: I’ll be Ann Landers.  Google™ searches will be my questions.  I’ll help these people if it’s the last thing I do.

Q:  Is my marriage salvageable?

A:  Well, I’d like a bit more information before I can properly analyse the inner workings of your private life.  Did he cheat?  Did you?  How are things going under the covers?  Do you love him?  Does he love you?  What about the children?  You see, a question like yours usually stems from a number of outside forces, and without the details, it’s hard to say.  But off the top of my head, the answer is…probably not.  Easy come, easy go.  Move on, dear.

Q:  Yard sale I need one sofa in Arizona.

A:  Technically this isn’t a question, or even a complete sentence, but I think I understand what your illiterate self is trying to say.  You live in Arizona.  You need ONE sofa—no more, no less.  Preferably a cheap one from a yard sale.  Is that right?  Try Craigslist™ for people selling sofas cheap.  Or, at the very least, you can look through the “Garage Sale” section for upcoming events near you.

Phoenix Craigslist™ Garage Sale ListingsAnd while you’re at it, find yourself an English tutor—maybe that will help.

Q:  Pregnant with a crabby husband.

A:  Oh, you poor dear.  I can’t imagine how awful that must be, to be pregnant with an adult human being, and a crabby one at that!  It sounds truly horrid—that’s the stuff nightmares are made of.  My recommendation?  Schedule a C-section, stat.

Q:  What should I write in my mom’s letter to her for her birthday?

A:  That I can’t tell you, but I do know this: If you steal your card content from my blog, please remember to credit the author; there are copyright laws to consider, after all.  Also, I’m pretty sure your mom will suspect something if you don’t think of it yourself.  Moms have a sense about those things.  And cheaters never prosper.  If you’re really grasping for straws, try starting with “Dear Mom, I love you.”  That’s never failed me.

Q:  How can I get the nasty smell out of my mouth after getting wisdom teeth removed?

A:  Brush gently.  And since misery loves company, read about my own horrid wisdom teeth removal experience (in order) here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.  Then watch this—it will cheer you right up.  And also…my condolences.  I would only wish this misfortune on my very worst of enemies.

Q:  When I poo, oil comes out as well.

A:  Sounds like you’ve got quite the profitable anus, my friend.  Do you know how much oil is going for these days? I suggest you harvest that liquid gold and start selling it on the black market.  You’ll make millions.  (I’m assuming this question landed you on my post about my No ‘Poo Experiment, in which I discuss the natural oils associated with human hair, and the negative impact modern-day shampoo has on it.  I’m so sorry to have misguided you, my oil-pooping friend.  Best of luck to you.)

See how good I am at giving advice?  And that’s not even advice anyone was asking me personally—think of what I could do if I had real live people asking me real live questions!

I want to try it. I’m sure it’s my calling in life.  So today, for one day only, I am opening up the lines to you, my readers.  Do you have a question weighing heavily on your mind?  Are you trying to find your place in life?  Have you been struggling to decide between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip™?  Do you need help to quit smoking?  I am soliciting you to solicit me for advice.  For once in my life—just once—I’d like to give suggestions when people are actually looking for them.  So ask away; I’ll do my best.

You can even be anonymous if you want—I am the only person who ever sees your email address. Do keep in mind, these questions will be posted on my blog at a later day for all the world to see, and this is a (mostly) family-friendly blog.  So keep them clean.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
This entry was posted in ask me anything, blogger finger, do what I say, self-actualisation, what I'm about and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Dear Abby, Meet Your Match.

  1. ann marie says:

    LOL! I am dying over the “when I poo .. Oil comes out..” That is hilarious!

    You are a funny girl Camille. I started keeping track of all of my googled keywords.. but then lost the paper. I had some funny ones to. Sad/funny thing is that some of my good friends found me googling stuff.
    I had to remove it after people were stealing my organizing posts.. so I don’t get it anymore.

    Questions.. I don’t know alot about you.. so I could ask alot. I’ll start with..
    1- Do you want to live in Canada forever now?
    2- What is your favorite movie?
    3- Do you have a big regret?

  2. ann marie says:

    Oh and.. Yay! I was first!

  3. Anonymous says:

    First off, let’s see how many people you have offended with this one…

    Second off…Hmm…I’m not sure that I want to ask your opinion, because I think you’re not going to be objective. A good advice columnist needs to be objective, or at the very least as removed as possible. If you can assure me that you will advise with your senses instead of your biases, I will ask advice. If not, I won’t.

    I’ll start thinking of something to ask…

  4. anna says:

    I can’t even get over the last question that led to your blog. If I were you, I’d consider that to be one of my life’s greatest accomplishments.

  5. Kat says:

    “Profitable Anus”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha! Dying! Glad that was one of the first things I read this morning. How can my day be bad when you actually said, “Profitable anus”? It can’t!

  6. Deemarie says:

    I am writing a letter to the Associated Press. You need to be the next Dear ABBY!! :)
    A question: If you’re working from home, but have no actual work to do, do you still log your hours?? Yeah, that’s my world right now…

  7. Jenn says:

    Love the last one, and your response – awesome! I can’t think of any good questions to ask right now, but I will keep thinking.

  8. Joel says:

    THAT was funny! Just give up on the marriage, huh? Hope PK doesn’t read that. First signs of trouble and she’s gone, man!

    And I think its funny how many people seem to put complete sentences into Google. It’s a blasted search engine looking for keywords! I type things like “Protein column purify GST” or “Pizza Ann Arbor” or “Mars NASA rovers.” (See there with the quotes?) Seems funny to put all those extra words in a search. Google just pitches them anyway. So I (almost) support couch search person in their search methodology.

    I’ll ponder some advice questions as I go about my day…

  9. Holly Decker says:

    first off, what tool do you posess to know how people come across you? how do you know what they actually type in the search box? its amazing.
    secondly… that poo question was straight up funny. i just might read that to Jeff today.
    third of all… my QUESTIONS.
    1. i know your maiden name and your last name… heck i even know your first… but what is that MYSTERIOUS letter p in the middle? penelope? princess? paula? its driving me nuts not knowing.
    2. when did PK become PK? and does he have a nickname for YOU?

    now for my advice questions…
    hmm…
    do you have any packing advice? because frankly, i feel that packing is REALLY hard with a new born. like… how many diapers do i keep out? should i just start packing the night before since i have so many items that i need? how on earth do i pack up things when i clearly need them. i mean, adults understand and can go a few days without a shower- but babies… they have ROUTINES. and this whole packing process is ruining it.
    do help if at all possible. and sooner than later…
    thanks.

  10. jacque says:

    thank you camille for making my day and making me laugh. i love your blog!!

  11. KissLessinAz says:

    Um this was hilarious!

    Dear Camille,
    I’ve only been kissed twice in my life and they were both terrible things bestowed upon me by incompetent jerks. I want a REAL first kiss from a REAL man.
    How do I go about this?
    Distressfully,

    KissLessinAz

  12. Crissie says:

    LOL! No questions, just had to say how funny I found this post.

  13. anonymous says:

    this made me laugh!! you would make a great advice columnist

  14. This is my favorite post you have written thus far!

  15. I know that the product Alli acually makes you poop out the fat in your foods with your usual excriment. That is probably what the person was talking about, or they have naturally added something to their diet which is acting as a cleansing aid :) your response was definitely funnier, though most of the responses did appear to just be comical, and not necessarily subjective.

    I have a random and even in my own definition UNIMPORTANT question.

    DO you choose those ugly critters that appear next to my comments? Mine appears to be particularly ugly… and wanted to know if this is a personal attack or if the internet just seems to find my IP address particularly unsightly… is there any way to choose pretty flowers or nature icons next to he comments instead? I see some people do have flowers next to their comments… are they the favorites?!?!

  16. Carmen says:

    You make me laugh right out loud! Hmmm well I don’t have a question for you at the moment, but I will think of one.

  17. Pingback: In Which I Experience the Slap-in-the-Face Realisation that I Don’t Know Everything. | Archives of Our Lives

  18. khj says:

    you have ruined my day

Comments are closed.