I’ve Been Avoiding This All My Life…

…Yet here it is.

I’ve made an appointment to have a wisdom teeth removal consultation, free of charge.  Kind of makes it sound like a tree trimming service, doesn’t it?  (Oh, how I wish it were; I’d much rather have my trees chopped down than massive holes drilled into my face.)

It has to happen, because those greedy fatsos (and yes, I have all four of them) are crowding the rest of my teeth, causing them to become more crooked with every passing second.

Don’t think I didn’t notice it, because I did.  No amount of flossing will save me this time…

I know it has to be done…but it’s not going to happen before I whine and complain about it for hours on end.  I’m not kidding: I really don’t want to have my wisdom teeth removed.  As a matter of fact, undergoing that particular surgery is one of my biggest fears in life, second only to childbirth, and right ahead of awkward small-talk.  On the hierarchy of things I would rather not do in my life…well, it pretty much reigns supreme.  I bet you’d like to see that list, wouldn’t you?  Okay…

Things in My Life I Would Rather Not Do

1.  Give birth

2.  Have four holes drilled into my face bones and four giant teeth wrenched from their sockets

3.  Engage in awkward small-talk

4.  Face confrontation

5.  Walk down Main Street completely naked

6.  Sing a solo in public

7.  Own a cat

8.  Try to bake dinner rolls

9.  Read a poem

10.  Starve

So there you have it.  As you can see, I am very anti-wisdom teeth being pulled.  It is not the surgery that worries me—it’s the post-op.  The road to recovery is long and hard, so I’m told.  My fears originated in high school, when I witnessed my friends’ and relatives’ recoveries from the procedure.  I heard horror stories of being sent home from the surgery armed with hand-held suctions and syringes, to help remove food particles that would likely get lodged in the massive hollows of the jaw.  I have been privy to tales of woebegone souls who suffer from sock-jocket or dry-locket or whatever the horrible affliction is called that often accompanies the recovery.  I have seen the bloody rags, dripping with viscous saliva, that are used to quell the flow of blood to the throat.

I can handle my face swelling up to the size of a small planet, truly.  But I can NOT handle the thought of an entire pea embedding itself into my gums.

I am queasy now, which is a direct result of my inability to deal with crap like this.  Just think how I’ll be when I actually go through with it.

That will be a post you won’t want to miss.

About Camille

I'm Camille. I have a butt-chin. I live in Canada. I was born in Arizona. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Hello. You can find me on Twitter @archiveslives, Facebook at facebook.com/archivesofourlives, instagram at ArchivesLives, and elsewhere.
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33 Responses to I’ve Been Avoiding This All My Life…

  1. Kathryn says:

    That’s funny. My two worst fears in life were childbirth and wisdom teeth removal too. I went with my sister when she got hers out and I thought she was going to die on the ride home. She survived. I survived. I was a little swollen, but able to be up and about the next day. And now I’m left to come up with some new worst fears.

  2. anna says:

    I have good news for you: childbirth and wisdom teeth removal are the easiest things I’ve ever done.

    Ha ha. I’m a dirty rotten liar.

    Seriously, if you have a good surgeon (aka the oral surgeon that took mine out) take the teeth out, it really isn’t bad. I had all four out and they were impacted (meaning they had to be broken, then removed). I had almost NO swelling and when I went in for my week after post-op appointment, my holes were nearly closed (take vitamin E capsules, I swear it helps you heal quicker).

    Good luck!

  3. I’ll tell you a funny little story about wisdom teeth so you can forget your fears…

    When Clint (husband) got his wisdom teeth out senior year in high school, he planned a party. He made fliers the week before inviting people to come to his house the day of and requested treats like smoothies, ice cream, etc. And they came. With treats. Even one of his teachers. True story. Also, he was fine the same day (it’s not so bad for everyone).

    As for mine, I don’t really remember much of it at all. Must have been all that pain medication…

    Oh, one more story: I had a friend who had SEVEN wisdom teeth to get pulled. SEVEN. How does that even happen? See, it won’t be so bad for you.

  4. ps. You just got three comments in a row from Melzer girls. We must love you.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Millie,

    I promise it’s not that bad. You’re going to be fine. And if you can get your wisdom teeth out, SURELY you can get a teensy amount of blood drawn to have your thyroid checked. Surely. But I’m sorry; I shouldn’t bother you about that when you’re in distress. Really, though. Just do it.

  6. Allison says:

    Oh my. I really think you are over reacting! I’ve had my wisdom teeth pulled. It’s not a big deal. They did knock me out to do it. I didn’t even get to 2 on my count to 10 and I was out. It was all over when I came to with just a little swelling, but I felt good enough to go straight to the mall for some shopping!

  7. afton says:

    i have would my wisdom teeth pulled out any day over having a cavity. with the wisdom teeth they knock you out for the procedure and then send you home with drugs! and they’re awesome. with a cavity (yes i’ve had many. my teeth tend to suck no matter the amount of brushing i do) it just hurts during and after. my wisdom teeth pulling post-op recovery wasn’t a good one (the nausea and peas stuck in the gums) and yet it gives you a cool story for many years to come. a cavity? well that only gives you a half smile, and nobody likes that.

  8. Cristin says:

    I got mine out when I was 25. Just make sure they knock you out. It feels great.

  9. Tisha says:

    I had 6 of the suckers and 5 of them were pulled with no freezing or anything. The dentist just popped them out and I went to work. The next one took a little more work and, fortunately, some freezing, but, other than a temporary drooling problem, it was relatively easy! Hope yours goes the same!

  10. Katie says:

    All of this is true. It totally sucks. But you get to eat ice cream for weeks!!! You better start getting your spoon ready now.

  11. Comments above speak the truth, easy peasy it is. General anaesthetic, so the procedure is a cinch, little bleeding from the sutured gums for a week, sutures usually fall out on their own. I was so hungry after mine (3, impacted) after 24 hr fast (for general anaesthetic use), i had my driver/accompaniest take me to McD’s for a slightly bloody, but satisfying big mac.

    Nothin get’s stuck, the sutures (stitches) close the holes completely. In a year, you won’t even be able to tell your gums were once opened up.
    If ya wanna scare yourself straight, ask your Aunt Debbi about having 4 Ceasareans. Cousin Kristy has had 2 so far.
    With your stature, you’ll not likely suffer the same fate in this huge baby prone Family.

  12. And hey, funny coincidence, the dude who took mine out 30 years ago was a Dr. Kay Burnham. Mormon of course.

  13. Geneva says:

    I was scared stiff at the thought as well. I had just had some serious foot problems the month before that hurt so bad and I knew it was going to hurt worse. Not true. The wisdom teeth deal wasn’t bad at all. Pain killers take it all away. The next day I went to church and people told me I looked pretty. I just gave them blank stares and notified them that I had just had my wisdom teeth out. Apparently slightly swollen face looks good one me. I’m sure it will on you too. Are there any ice cream places in mayberry? dairy queen? maple leaf yogurt?

  14. Camille says:

    Kathryn– Oh, I have lots of worst fears I could loan you! Try “major apocalypse and no water barrels to get us through,” or “a ‘monthly’ starting with no supplies…”

    Anna– Ooh, vitamin E capsules! I embrace a good home remedy. Thanks! And don’t worry, I’ll be put under…though whether the surgeon is good remains to be seen.

    Angela– Another Clint story! It’s my goal in life to get him to read my blog. I guess that means I should start reading his (on a regular basis, that is). And I only now figured out that Anna is your sister-I knew Kathryn was your in-law, but I didn’t catch the Anna connection. Silly me.

    Anonymous my sister– You’re a nag.

    Allison– I know a couple people who came straight home and partied…but SHOPPING? Heavens. I’m sure I’ll be laid up, if only because my mind tells me I’m in a bad way. I will probably milk this for all it’s worth. “Poor Kyle,” I’ll say, “I need a foot rub because my mouth hurts all the way down to my toes…”

    Afton– I am kind of excited for anesthetics. I’ve always wanted to try the whole “count backwards” trick.

    Cristin– I would wait that long, if I wasn’t already teething them. They hurt!

    Tisha– SIX????? Oh dear. I’m so sorry! I guess I don’t have anything to complain about. I can’t believe you went to work afterward.

    Burnt Cookies– Stitches in my mouth are another thing that gross me out! Oh, there’s no consoling me…I’m doomed.

    Katie– That’s just it! I’ve sworn off sweets until June. The best I can hope for is apple sauce, and nobody can get very excited about apple sauce.

  15. whitney says:

    My recovery was not bad at all. I didnt swell that much. And I only had to take Ibuprofen for pain. The anesthectics is pretty awesome, best sleep Ive ever had. When my little brother Kyle got his out, after his surgery he was flirting with all nurses and dancing around. You would probably have a funny story to tell to.

  16. DeAnna says:

    I got mine out in sets, the top two in highschool and the 2nd two before I got married. I think I should’ve laid off the T3s a little with the first two, I really don’t remember much of that week, although I know I passed my math diploma with flying colors. The 2nd two I took Extra strength Tylenol instead and was fine pretty much with a day or two. I had laughing gas and freezing, I would take that over anasthesia any day! Good luck!!

  17. Lauren says:

    I am sorry I must tell you this, but since we are friends, I feel it is my duty.

    Getting my wisdom teeth out was the single most horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life. Can we say “dry socket”? It had we puffed up for 3 weeks.

    Anyway, I will be praying for you.

    In other news…your list of most loathed things was brilliant. “Read a Poem”…definately a scarring experience. Sylvia Plath? Kill me now.

  18. Lauren says:

    Oh! When I had my tumor removed, my anethestesiologist was hott. With TWO t’s.

  19. Allan says:

    Ooow, first time under general anaesthetic? Fun, fun.
    I started at 100, got to 96.

  20. sarah says:

    Guess what? I thought I’d never have to get my wisdom teeth out because my orthodontist said I might not have to. The way they were coming in looked like I might be okay. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU… One of them started bothering me. When did this happen you ask?? After I got engaged and was trying to plan a wedding. After that experience of pain I was A-OKAY with getting those suckers out. I couldn’t even sleep at night because the pain was so bad. During the day it would be on and off again pain. It would be good for like 5 min. and then bad for 5. and the pattern continued. The day I went in to get that wisdom tooth out I didn’t even care about an anesthetic because I just wanted the tooth out. That is how bad it hurts if your wisdom teeth get crabby. The reason I’m telling you all this is so that you will understand how much better it is to have them out than in. Plus, think of the things you can have… icecream, shakes, yogurt, popsicles, fudsicles, pudding, etc… Those are all yummy things to eat. The holes will close up in no time. AND, it’s kind of fun to squirt food out if you do get some in your holes… Okay so maybe I’m wierd but I promise it’ll be worth it. :)

  21. HeatherPride says:

    It kind of sucks, but having had both the wisdom tooth surgery and participated in childbirth (both versions!) I can say with confidence that you have nothing to fear. Seriously. Aside from looking like a chipmunk for a week or so, it’s no sweat. Just find a dentist who will make sure you’re asleep through the whole thing.

  22. Amy says:

    I can’t believe “walking down main street naked” is #5. As for the teeth..best of luck. I was swollen for 2 weeks and had bruises on my face for a month. (not to be a downer or anything) haha.
    And also I would LOVE it if you posted recipes. Especially any desserts.

  23. Holly Decker says:

    well, at least you feel there is PURPOSE behind removing them.
    i have some weird issue with wisdom teeth removals. i mean, why would God give us teeth that we dont need? SERIOUSLY? i am convinced that its a made up profession- just so people can get money. and i told this to the man who took mine out. i had to have them removed just because i was going on a mission… and that, is not reason enough for me. so… now i wonder… what would life be like with four more teeth? was it really all that necessary to remove them? *sigh* these are questions i have to ask God when i meet Him.

  24. NobodyNose says:

    That. Sucks. Yeah. I’m not even gonna try to encourage or console you. Cause that’s gonna suck. Real bad.

  25. anonymous says:

    ooooooooooooo harsh. good luck! atleast we get some entertainment out of it, right??

  26. Carmen says:

    I wouldn’t be so afraid of the childbirth. Seriously, it isn’t that bad. Honest! So don’t be afraid of it. As for the wisdom teeth I can’t comment since I have never had mine removed. Hope it goes well. Oh, and baking dinner rolls, if I can do it well so can you.

  27. Kimberly says:

    Drugs my friend, lots and lots of drugs. I was more scared of the needle for the anthestic than just sitting through it buzzed off my rocker. So I chose to be awake and high on some valium. Then it was quick once they yanked it and I was outta there. After that, more drugs for the pain. But as I had blogged – DONT forget to take FOOD with those drugs! Oh and milk this for all its worth…facing the fear alone is harder than anything and also exhausting, so have him wait on you hand and foot, you’ll deserve it! I hear ya girl, I have the same fears you do, its not easy, but once its over, you’ll feel like you conquered the world!!

  28. Heber says:

    Dear me…I’m not sure if I should laugh or console…hmm…

  29. melissa says:

    It’s not bad at all. I ate regular food that night. I don’t think I even had pain meds. So don’t get worried from all the scary stories.

  30. Allan says:

    Dang you kids stay up late. 3:35am, Mellisa?
    Nice consoling message though. Way to go.

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